One Step Forward, Three Steps Back

We had a pretty good therapy session the other day. We are continuing our boundaries discussion. Overall, it was good progress after feeling stagnant for quite some time.

There were a few negative feelings that cropped up for me though that I’m really having some trouble with.

A few years ago, right before and during his affair, he was having major problems with his business partner (which he is no longer partners with). He would come home every night and unload all of his stress and anger and irritation on me. It was ALL we would talk about. He would say how much he disliked this man and how he couldn’t work with him anymore, but then travel with him ALOT. That part was really confusing to me. But the bigger part of this is that I told my husband I couldn’t talk about this all the time anymore. That this was consuming our marriage. I did not say I wouldn’t talk about it with him at all, just that I needed a break as it was exhausting me. He took that and decided I was unsupportive, not there for him, I suck, blah, blah, blah. It was one of many factors he used to justify his affair. I brought this up to him. That this hurt. I was setting a boundary and he vilified me and used it to cheat. He said he understood. That at the time he didn’t recognize it as a boundary, but gets it now.

The other issue that arose for me is this lingering feeling that cheating has always been a boundary for me. And when it happened, I stayed. I did not leave as I said I would. I know its easy to say how you would act in a certain situation and then when it happens realize its not so black and white. But I think that’s been eating at me. I think that combined with unhealthy boundaries all around, its a bit much. Adding to that is a comment he made in therapy. When we were stating our boundaries, one of mine was cheating (dishonesty in general). I told him I will not give another chance in this arena. I told him that if he’s doing anything that he feels he needs to hide, he shouldn’t be doing it. If he is deleting texts so I won’t see them, he shouldn’t be doing it. If he does something that he knows/thinks I’d be hurt/pissed about, he shouldn’t be doing it. I told him I want to hear things from him, not other people. I don’t want to learn what is happening in our marriage because of my detective work. I want active and rigorous honesty. So the comment came when I said cheating again is a deal breaker for me. He said that he wouldn’t have given me a second chance at all. Ouch.

That hurts. I’m wondering why I am giving a second chance to someone who wouldn’t give the same to me. It feels shitty and I’m seriously questioning why I’m staying and if its the right choice. I brought this up to him later. He said I’m a stronger person than he is. Yeah, no shit.

We were talking last night and he was saying some things he admires in his siblings. I asked what he admires about me. He struggled to find something. Then said he admires the love and relationship I have with our kids. That they are who they are because of me. He sees that I handle pretty much everything that concerns them. All nice. But that’s all he could come up with. He did say that because of where we’ve been for so long, he was struggling to see through that, and be able to see me and what I bring. I kind of get that, but you don’t see anything else in me that you admire?

All of that wrapped together is weighing on me. I’m not feeling good about being in this marriage right now. I’m not feeling respected, valued and loved. Hell, how can he treat me that way if he can’t get through his own shit to see it? That type of thinking was present for him to have his affair. And apparently hasn’t improved.

 

 

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Another Year Over

It is New Years Eve. As it sit and write this, there are 10 hours left in 2018.

I’m not big on new year resolutions, though I am reflecting on what I learned in 2018 and how I can grow in 2019.

Sure I want to lose weight and live a healthier lifestyle. But more than that I want peace. Mental peace. Emotional peace. Physical peace.

I’ve long struggled with wondering if I know all the details. I recognize the fact that I may have the whole truth, even though I doubt it. I recognize I may have the details to the best of his ability to tell me, even though I doubt it.

Can I just accept that my husband had an affair and I will never know everything? Do I need to know everything? So far, I have not been able to just simply accept it. Its not even about the details. I’ve actually accepted my version of what I think happened. I wouldn’t be surprised or shocked by discovering more. I wouldn’t be hurt by the details if I learned more. I’d be hurt by the continued deception, especially since I’ve begged for the truth. I have begged for the truth, explaining its the only way through this for me. The truth is what will get US through this. I just don’t know that I’ve been given the truth. There are several timelines and things that just don’t line up for me. Does that mean that my thoughts are reality? Does my discomfort equal truth? Or is it fear? Is it both? Is my belief that I’m still being deceived affecting my ability to see things without bias?

Ultimately, my husband made decisions to betray me and share his life with another woman for a year and a half. He chose to keep secrets. He chose to spend his energy on her instead of us and our daughter. He chose to lie and treat me like shit. I know all the whys. I’ve worked through and accepted them. Sure, they still hurt and most likely always will to some degree.

What haunts me now, is this near constant feeling/fear that he hasn’t been honest with me. And I just don’t know what to do about it. I know I need to come to terms with it somehow. For my own peace. For me.

Happy New Year!

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Lack of Boundaries

After continued ups and downs, my husband and I are in a decent place. Today. Last week was a shit show. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.  Par for the course in post affair life.

We’ve both been drifting away from each other for some time. This is a trigger for me. My reaction is both “dig in and hold on tighter” and “run for the hills” at the same time. I react with both fight and flight. I’m not sure how that’s even possible. He gets triggered and reacts with flight. Its a cycle that we created before his affair.

Long story short, we were texting while at work. He stated things like “I’m sorry and we should work on this together” and “I want to help you heal.” Which was great. Its what we want from our straying spouses. I felt hope and like we could finally get through this. The conversation went a little further in which he told me his AP contacted “one time and I didn’t respond”. Now, I know any betrayed spouse reading this GETS IT. I’ve struggled since D-Day with believing I have the truth. Its not even about the details anymore. I just want to be in a relationship with someone I can count on to be honest with me. I’ve often thought that the last contact wasn’t the last contact. I didn’t believe that he would tell me if they had contact. And I was right. I thought the worst of him and he delivered. My reaction to this news was unemotional because I really wasn’t surprised and its what I believed all along. I did question the information he was providing me and pointing out how it didn’t match what I saw in an email when I first found out, timelines, etc. His reaction was of course defensive (flight mode). So it went south from there.

We had a very calm and rational conversation about divorce. That no matter what we try, we just don’t work. We love each other and are so close to getting “there” so often, but just don’t seem to get there. I didn’t like it. Divorce isn’t what I want. But I was at peace knowing I did absolutely everything I could to rebuild this marriage and it just isn’t happening. I spent the weekend at a friend’s. She was just what I needed. She told me she’d support me if I divorce, stay – whatever. She loves me and will do whatever she can to be there for me. It was great.

My second night away, he texted me some articles he thought would be helpful. I told him I wasn’t confused about why our relationship got here. I was confused how we went from Tuesday being “I want to help you heal” to Friday being “let’s split”. I told him he only wants to help me heal so long as it looks the way he wants it to look and doesn’t get uncomfortable for him. That’s not genuine. I told him of the hope I felt and that is what hurt the most. We ended up texting a little more. It was all calm and rational. No blame. Actually a lot of ownership. I came home on Sunday and we talked more. It was probably the most open, honest and vulnerable we’ve ever been. I was stilling feeling at peace with divorce.

After more talking, we both agreed it was the best conversation we’ve had. We both wondered if we turned a corner and could build on it or are we just repeating old habits? Did the nostalgia of good times kick in?

We went to our therapist for the first time in a long time. We filled her in on where we were, but not about the details that got us there. We mostly talked about boundaries and the fact that neither one of us have them. Its been the underlying current of dysfunction in our relationship from the start.

We both agreed we will see where this goes, so our homework is to establish and communicate our boundaries. I am starting with 3 and here they are.

I need the ability and safety to lovingly express my pain – every time. I need to be received with acknowledgement, support and love. If I am met with that, I do not feel the desire to continue to push for it. I feel loved and that you care about me and my pain. If I am met with anger, a dismissive attitude, contempt, etc. I feel hurt and unloved. If the negative reception continues, I will need to withdraw for my own wellbeing and may no longer be able to stay in this relationship.

I need active and rigorous honesty. Active and rigorous honesty means willingly telling the truth when its easier to lie and there may be consequences. It is pro-active and does not require me to question or snoop to learn details that affect my life and health. Simply put, if I learn something that would hurt or upset me, I’d rather learn it from you and not someone else or stumble across it on my own. This type of honesty is important to me because it shows integrity in the relationship. Dishonesty is a boundary for me. When there is dishonesty (overt and omission), it breaches this boundary and I’m no longer able to trust that there is a level of integrity in the relationship. I feel disrespected and unloved. If dishonesty continues, I will need to distance myself and may no longer be able to stay in this relationship.

I need to be spoken to with respect (lovingly), even during times of stress and arguments. When I am spoken to in a loud, aggressive tone and sworn at, I can’t see past any of that to what is being said. I can no longer hear the message nor have a desire to problem solve. When I’m spoken to in a conversational tone, free of insults and attitude, I hear what is being said and care to problem solve. If aggressive behavior continues, I will need to stop the argument and walk away until we can both have a calm conversation.

No matter the outcome to my marriage, defining and enforcing my boundaries is a win for me.

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Living in the Moment

We are home from our weekend trip. A trip to celebrate 18 years of marriage. There was a time I didn’t know if we would make it another year married. There was a time I wasn’t sure I wanted to. There was a time when people would ask me how long I’ve been married and I would think, “too long” or didn’t care to talk about it. We had one person comment that 18 years is a pretty big achievement, especially in today’s world. I used to think “yeah but you don’t know what this marriage is really like, you don’t know what he did”. I noticed that I didn’t have that mantra over the weekend. I took the compliments and the celebratory free drinks 🙂 and realized it is an accomplishment. And it is something to be proud of.

He has been buying wine from Napa Valley for a few years. While I don’t believe its tied to his affair, the wine was a trigger for me (grapes come from her home town not far from Napa Valley). Awhile ago we talked about finding a wine that is about us. That we find together. So when we were thinking of what to do for our anniversary, he suggested Niagara on the Lake (NOTL) or the Finger Lakes, both of which are less than 3 hours drive and both have wineries. We’ve been to both before. We decided on Canada assuming it would be less crowded. We were right. We stayed in a nice B&B, built in 1892. It was a beautiful old house. Updated without ruining the history.

It was a nice weekend. Weather was beautiful. We walked around town. Had great food. Had some drinks and listened to a band in an Irish Pub (always my favorite). We went to wineries. We had good conversation. Had good sex. We were both present – neither of us were preoccupied with other things. We talked about our wedding. How we did things for everyone else and should have taken more time for us. He said he wants to see me in my wedding dress again. And that we should get re-married, with nobody present but us. I made a dig about his affair. He didn’t get defensive. Just took it. He said several times that he is where he wants to be. When I’m able to stay in the present, its pretty good. I like where things are and where they seem to be headed. I still take it a day at a time.  I know that tomorrow could suck. I’ve learned that when I anticipate it sucking – it surely will. I’ve also learned, that if it does suck – I will be ok. I will make it through the day and a better day will come.

It is still incredibly painful to think about his affair. Not as bad as it once was, but it still hurts. If I allowed myself to simmer in the shit stew, I could drown there. So I don’t allow myself to unpack. I visit. I feel what I need to. I say what I need to. And then I have to leave it for awhile. I have to choose to get out of the pot. I have to choose to think about something else. I have to choose to live in the moment. Its all we really have anyway.

One Anniversary and Two Antiversaries…

I’m approaching my 18 year wedding anniversary. And 4 year DDay antiversary. And the 5 year antiversary of when my husband had sex with his OW was about a week ago.

The realization of these dates approaching hit me about two weeks ago. I broke down and felt the grief and pain again. He woke up every single day for a year and a half and chose to pursue and continue a relationship with another woman. He chose to lie, cheat, disrespect me, put his energy and time into that relationship and just be a shitty husband, father and human being. For a year and a half. The reality of it just sucks.

I still struggle with wondering if I’ve been told the whole truth. Not as bad as I once did. But its there. Lurking behind the shadows. Its there when he seems distant or distracted. Its there when things are really good. Its there when I’m triggered by certain locations that I wonder if they went together. I’ve talked to my therapist about this ALOT. And it sucks because there is no real way of knowing. In the beginning, I dug. As deep as I could. I questioned. And then questioned more, in different ways. I tried to trip him up. But his story didn’t change. And it hasn’t. I sway between wondering if this is my intuition or if its fear.  Or is it just realistic to assume that since he was capable of carrying on an affair for 1.5 years that he is also capable of hiding details he doesn’t want me to know? Its not even about the details anymore. Its about me not wanting to be with a man that will continue to betray me by not being honest with me. I have asked (begged) countless time for him to tell me if there is more to know. Every time he has said no, I know everything.

So what do I do with this? I’ve chosen to stay. I think for a really long time I had just chosen not to leave. But recently it feels more like I’m choosing to stay. So how do I come to terms with this fear? My therapist and I talked about whether or not this fear could be lurking about to prevent me from being vulnerable with him. Things have been pretty good between us lately. And this fear is kicking up. Its like a warning bell screaming to not get too close. Its my protective shell. My life preserver.

Our wedding anniversary is 9/2. We will be married 18 years. The last time we did anything for our anniversary was when he was involved with her (2013). It was no secret to either of us that our marriage was on the rocks at that point (of course I didn’t know just how rocky it was and that he just saw her about a week before). But we went to an amusement park. It was actually a fun time. I had him stop at a sex toy store on the way. I got a toy for us. After I found out about his affair, I recalled this memory. When I looked back in a different lens, I remembered him being weird. He was usually really excited about sex toys – and sex in general. But he wasn’t this time. He seemed disinterested (I guess sex with another woman does that?).  Anyway, we got to our destination. I drank too much (perhaps I was more aware of his attitude than I thought), but we laughed and had fun and had sex. Since DDay, I haven’t cared to acknowledge our anniversary. It hasn’t meant anything to me. We also no longer wear wedding bands (I took a hammer to them one night). The symbolism that once stood for something hasn’t mattered post affair.

We are leaving in the morning for two nights, for our anniversary. I’m not giddy about it. But I’m looking forward to it. I’ve even thought about what it would be like if he were to re-propose to me. Then I quickly tell myself those things don’t matter. A ring doesn’t make a person faithful. Then I wonder what I would say. Would I say yes? No? Do I question it because deep down I don’t believe he would? And “hoping” for something that doesn’t happen will just hurt? Or, do I really even want that? Do I just want it as a way for him to prove his love for me?

Its all so confusing. And its midnight. So I think I’ll just go, have fun in the moment and enjoy each day for what it has to offer. Oh, and the wine the region has to offer!

 

 

What Does It Say About Me?

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Its been awhile since I’ve posted. I wasn’t sure if I would ever post again, at least under this blog. I have made a commitment to myself to move forward. To stop reading about infidelity. To stop putting myself back there. Reading and blogging helped me for a long time. I needed it. It was my life line. I needed to bleed out all the pain. But, for me, it became time to do something else. His actions put me in pain. But I was making myself suffer. I needed to do something different, because what I was doing wasn’t getting me where I wanted to be.  I have made some progress that I wanted to share. My hope is that it can help someone else on their path to healing.

I recently realized that most of my struggle is what his affair made me feel about myself. Yes, his actions were wrong. But ultimately its how I felt worthless, unloved, unattractive, disposable, stupid, weak, abandoned and a million other bad emotions that hurt so much. I also realized that I haven’t made peace with how I feel about myself for staying. I was the woman that was sure I’d leave if he ever cheated. I never thought I’d try and stay and work it out. I have learned that how you think you’d act and how you do aren’t always the same.

My biggest fear has been finding out more of the story. That I’ll learn they saw each other more than the two times he told me. That they had sex more than once. Or that they had contact after the email I saw that he says was their final contact. I do take some small comfort in them having sex only once, while drunk and high. I take some comfort in him making arrangements to see her only once after they met. I am not saying it was ok, but I know that it could have been a long term affair that was much more involved. I still have some fear that his affair was just that – more involved. Its not so much the details of the affair. The betrayal hurts no matter what. But if I find out more details, it means he’s still lying to me.

But here’s the revelation. It says nothing about me if he is lying. Or had sex with her 100 times. Or saw her 100 times. Or had more than one affair. Those are his actions to live with. Not mine. Yes, it would hurt like hell to discover any more betrayal. But his actions have nothing to do with my value. His actions actually have very little to do with me at all and everything to do with him.  If he doesn’t value me, then I am capable of making the choice to leave.

My fear of finding out more details is really my fear of feeling stupid. Duped. Used. Naive. Weak. But in reality, I’m not any of those things. So what does staying say about me?  I am a woman who chose grace, compassion and forgiveness. I am a woman who refuses to harbor anger and resentment. Doing so only hurts my soul. It poisons me. It doesn’t allow me to be my best. So I chose the freedom that forgiveness provides. Forgiveness doesn’t say what he did was acceptable. It says I am not going to allow his actions to control me or change me. Staying says alot about me. I am a woman who can see beyond her husband’s betrayal at all of the good within him.

I believe as humans we make mistakes. We make poor choices. We all have something in our lives that we wish we could go back and change. But its also painful experiences that allow us to learn, change and grow. As much as it hurts, his affair has had some positive changes. Changes that I honestly don’t know we would have made if something so life altering didn’t happen. I may have continued to live my life unsure of who I am, what I want and what I deserve. His affair forced me to look myself in the mirror and face some harsh truths about myself – and him. I became someone I didn’t know. Someone I didn’t like. I’m happier with myself than I was before his affair. I am more sure of my worth than before his affair. I’ve learned to be more vulnerable. Its also given me the strength to know that I can live without him. That even if I want him in my life I don’t need him to have a happy and fulfilled existence. I’ve learned to stop making him responsible for my happiness. I’ve learned to not take things personal and internalize other people’s behavior. Overall I have more realistic and healthy views of love and marriage. His affair still causes me great pain and will for some time to come. But his affair is just that – his. Its not my baggage or burden. The more I’ve realized this the more I’ve been able to let go.

My Choice

How do I let go of this pain? How do I let the past stay in the past? How do I live in today, which is all I really have anyway? How do I stop the past from taking what today has to offer? There really is only one way. Choice.

There is no timeline. There is no, “once this happens” I’ll feel better. You have to make the choice to let go and THEN you start to feel better. After betrayal, there are steps that help in healing. Absolutely. You need time. You need to grieve. If you are staying with the person who betrayed you, they have work to do. You must experience the pain. But there comes a point where you have to take stock in where things are. Is he doing what I need him to do? If the answer is yes, then what good am I doing myself by hanging on to the pain? If the answer is no, then why am I staying and allowing myself to be further disrespected?  There comes a point where you have to make the conscious choice to let go. I don’t believe it happens without the choice. And I don’t believe you heal until you let go.

I’ve been reading alot about letting go and this article stuck out.  There are some thought provoking ideas in it, particularly on how we keep ourselves stuck.

Finally, fearsomely, there is that thing we do behind our own backs because we know we shouldn’t do it: We continue contact—with the very person, the very situation, that was destructive in the first place. We often don’t get better until we stop going there. You know that; you just don’t want to face it.”  At first this sounded harsh. But when I stopped to think, it makes sense. Its the old saying that a wound can’t heal if you keep picking at it.

I’ve kept a notebook of quotes and advice and general things that “speak” to me (both positive and negative). I read articles and books. I blog. Lately, I have started to wonder if doing all of these things is me picking at the scab. How do I expect to let anything go when I continue to put myself in it every day. Now, doing these things served a critical role and have helped me immensely. Blogging has been a huge help to me. To be able to just get it all out is amazing. But to connect with other women who feel what I’m feeling and to know I’m not alone – that can’t even be put into words. The support of strangers is amazing and at times lifesaving. And I wouldn’t change any of these activities, because its what I needed at the time. But the time has come for me to do something else. Something different.

“It’s hard to let go of the past in the absence of a positive view of tomorrow. You need a vision of the future. An investment in, a distraction through, or an excitement about something ahead will supply the energy and the will to push you beyond the past. Creating it requires deliberate mental focus.”  The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I want to be free of the past. I don’t want to think about his affair. I don’t want to feel the pain of his affair. I want to enjoy my husband and kids. I want to build a healthier marriage. But I can’t do that when I’m living in yesterday. I can’t have the positive future I so desperately want if I’m still carrying the past with me. I can only carry so much. And its time to unload. Its time to discard. Its time to clean out the negative images and thoughts in my head. Its time to clean out the notebook I’ve kept. I no longer need these things as I no longer live at this place. I’m moving and can’t take it all with me. I don’t need or WANT to take it with me. I also believe this is the end of this blog. I hope to continue to blog, but not about affairs.

You wronged me. I didn’t deserve it. I’ve been angry long enough. I am laying down my anger because I don’t need to carry it anymore.”  It all starts with choice. I’ve made mine.

Redemption

I recently watched a talk show that focused on infidelity. One of the couples had some great insight and advice. The husband cheated. She seemed genuinely happy and at peace with her choice to stay. It took time and hard work to get there.

This woman’s advice to the betrayed is to opt out of anger. You have to replace the thoughts of who he was with who he is. Tell him who you see now, not who you saw. Focus on the positive. Stay in the present. Don’t be around miserable, bitter people. Surround yourself with people who strengthen you and tell you the truth. Most of what needs to happen to heal comes down to choice. Your husband needs to prove himself again, yes. He’s got alot of work to do. But ultimately you have to make the choice to move forward. To let go of the anger and resentment. To let love back in.Because without that choice, he can do absolutely everything and it won’t make a difference.

Her husband’s advice to the one who cheated is to look at yourself. Take responsibility. You can find a way to justify your affair but its really a shortcoming in yourself. Its YOUR insecurity. Its your insecurity that you turned into your spouse’s issue. Disloyal spouses have triggers. You use the trigger to justify your affair even though you know its wrong. You have to identify the trigger in yourself and face it. You went looking for a missing piece of your life. But you looked in the wrong place. You needed to look inside yourself. Inside your home. You can’t fix what’s wrong inside your home by going outside it.  You have betrayed and devastated someone you claim to love. Someone you were supposed to protect. You have work to do to make things right. You need to reaffirm her. Regularly. You need to consistently show her you are a new man. Create an atmosphere for both of you to thrive.

On this show it was also stated that if everyone was held to their past and their mistakes we’d all be in trouble. I agree. I certainly would be. I have grown into who I am today. My successes and failures are a part of that. I’ve learned just as much from mistakes as I have what I got right.  To judge me based on how I used to act or something I did once, is unfair. I want him to focus on who I am today, not the mistakes I made years ago. So I must also do the same. However, I’ve first had to prove that I changed. He didn’t believe it or just take me at my word up front. I had to show through actions that I was different. He must also prove his growth and change to me.

As humans, we are capable of both good and bad things. It hurts like hell to be on the receiving end of the bad things. I do believe that, sometimes, normally good people simply fuck up. I also believe in redemption. Redemption is possible if they do their part to make amends and change.

While there is no definitive rule-book on healing from an affair (just don’t have one and you won’t need to do the work to repair the damage), there are steps that can be taken that facilitate healing. There are also actions -or lack of action- that further the damage, increase resentment and make healing more difficult and take longer. I found this article that highlights some great steps to take after an affair. I also found this article regarding rebuilding trust. They are like a road map to redemption and thus, healing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Letter to His Other Woman

Lindsay,

We have never met, yet you were a part of my marriage for 18 months. I know my husband invited you into our marriage, but let me be clear – you were not welcome.

Who do you think you are? What gave you the right to think that you could get involved with my husband? Yes, I know he contacted you after your initial meeting. But a 20 something gal with her shit together would have told him to fuck off. Seriously. But you aren’t that girl are you? You have to a special kind of train wreck to allow yourself to be treated as second rate. Which you were. Are you proud of yourself?

I’m not going to pretend that my husband isn’t at fault. He is. He acted like a massive piece of shit while he was involved with you. He is responsible for his own behavior. He is responsible for the pain he has caused me. He is the one who made marriage vows to me and then broke them. But you could have prevented yourself from being the other woman. You could have had a shred of self worth and human decency and told him, “You may cheat on your wife, but it won’t be with me”. Its actually not that difficult, I’ve told a few men those words. But I’m a woman with morals, dignity and self worth.

What was so attractive about a man that was actively betraying his wife? A man that was abandoning his toddler? Did the fact that he had a wife and child yet wanted to talk to you make you feel special? Did having to keep you hidden make you feel special? Did you think that while he was lying his ass off to me that he was being honest with you? Were you really that naive?

Do you even know why you? I definitely wrestled with it. I figured you HAD to have something I didn’t. You know what it was? You talked to him. That simple. He was so low he jumped at the first desperate girl that made herself available. Still feel special?

Our marriage was definitely at a very low point before he met you. He was also depressed and had given up. Its true I wasn’t fulfilling his needs. I made him feel rejected. This is what he used as fuel to justify his affair. He now understands that these are his issues and his affair with you was completely wrong nor my fault in any way. My point here is that had he either addressed these issues for himself or our marriage was better, you wouldn’t have been in his life at all.

I feel sorry for you. Its pathetic that you fell in love with a married man. That you thought destiny brought you together. That you thought you had this amazing connection. Its really sad that you thought you had some kind of future with him. Its sad that you finally chased David away because of this. I feel sorry for you that you emotionally invested in a man that didn’t want you. You were simply a means to an end. He felt like shit about himself so he used you to feel better. You were a filler. A boost to his ego.

I don’t feel sorry for any pain you are in. You brought that upon yourself.

I wanted to destroy your life and make you pay once upon a time. But that’s not me. I am better than that. I am better than you. I hope you get your life together before you play a role in destroying another marriage.

The affair you had with my husband has caused me immeasurable pain. I am still haunted by it every day. Being on the receiving end of betrayal creates deep wounds. I was cheated on by a man I gave half my life to. Hell, you are still the last woman he had sex with in San Francisco. So congrats to you. Hope it was worth it.  Yes, I was lied to. Duped. Taken advantage of. I sat at home and remained a loyal and faithful wife while he turned to you. I remained the consistent parent for our daughter. I tucked her in to bed, alone, the night you fucked my husband. I upheld my vows even though he broke them with you. And it hurts like hell.

But, even in this emotional hell I am fighting to get out of, I’d still rather be the betrayed wife. I’d still rather be me than you. I am the only one of the three of us that did the right thing when nobody was looking. I’m the one that wasn’t hurting another human being with my selfishness and ego. I am the one that wasn’t so broken that I devastated an innocent person that I’ve never met. That is your burden to carry.

M

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Holding On

 

Someone recently asked if we could draw a line. Just say – what happened has happened. It can’t be changed. Just take the lessons learned and move forward. Can we let “it” go? Or more to the point, can I let his affair go? Can I let go of the pain and allow us to move forward?

let it be

I want to let the past be. I’m tired of living this way. Its hard to stay on the right side of the drawn line when I’m triggered. Or when he acts like a jerk, is insensitive, selfish or just otherwise an asshole.

But hanging on to the pain is only hurting me. I have felt that if I just let it go, he won’t realize how serious it was. Or how close he was and still is to losing me. That he won’t learn the lessons. Or that my pain doesn’t matter. That my experience is somehow minimized and unimportant. In reality, I can’t make him see or feel anything. If I feel that he doesn’t care about me or the pain he’s caused me then I really have to decide if I can live with it or not. If I can, then I have to let it be. If I can’t, its time to leave. Taking emotions out, it really is that simple.

holding on

I guess that’s where I am and the decision I have to make. Do I hold on to my marriage or do I hold on to my pain?

your-journey-will-be-much-lighter-and-easier-if-you-dont-carry-your-past-with-you-quote-1