Yes, more song lyrics.
The last few days were tough. But today is Monday, the start of a new week. The week of Thanksgiving. I’m shifting my focus to more positive things. I’m going to choose to think of what I have instead of what I don’t . What is good and right in my life instead of how I’ve been wronged and what’s bad.
The past few days I’ve described my life as a shit sandwich. I was dealt a raw deal. I had things done to me that I didn’t deserve. I can wallow in that self pity or I can raise myself up, dust off and throw away the shit sandwich. I have the choice to let it go and build something better. Healthier. This is definitely the hardest thing I’ve experienced. But I’ve lived through other things that at the time I thought were impossible. And I survived those. I will survive this too. Sometimes it takes the worst pain to bring out the best change.
As I switch my mindset its amazing how much clearer I can see things. The dark clouds are blown away and the sun can shine through. I can feel the warmth of the sun. The sun gives me hope. Lifts my spirits. But you can’t appreciate the sun unless you’ve lived through some storms. Lived under the dark clouds.
I’ve been struggling with a few key details of my husband’s affair. He told me that talking with her was effortless. I took that very personal and thought it had to mean something. Had to mean that they were more compatible. A better match. Today I see that it was effortless with her because they had no history or expectations for a future. He didn’t want anything from her other than to be heard. And he didn’t even care that it was her doing the listening. She was able to hear him because he told her he only wanted a friend. So she came in with no expectations as well. Once she started having feelings for him and complicating the situation, he started to back off and keep her at a distance and decided he no longer needed her in his life. She no longer served a purpose.
I’ve also been struggling to comprehend how he didn’t realize that what he was doing was wrong nor did he know that he was having an affair. I know that he knew it was wrong on some level simply by the fact that he hid his relationship with her, was secretive with his phone and email, and had her in his contacts under a “stage” name. What I’m starting to grasp is that he was able to justify his actions and compartmentalize so much that he didn’t see his actions for what they were. He was in the middle of an affair and had no idea that he was. Even after they had sex he didn’t think it was an affair. This is so difficult for me to understand. My therapist and all the reading I do is helping me to see that people involved in an affair, especially one like his that is based on “friendship” where they are just talking and live on opposite sides of the country, don’t see it. They aren’t aware that they are crossing a line. That boundaries were crossed way before they even got to San Francisco and had sex. He is able to look back now and see it more clearly. The fog has lifted. While that doesn’t change history and the pain they caused me, it helps to know he sees it now. I’m starting to comprehend that how I think I would have acted doesn’t mean that’s what he could have done. Or even what I would have done if I was the one having the affair. Its easy for me to see it all and think I would have behaved in a particular way. But the truth is, I don’t know for sure. I only know that I didn’t cross that line.
So this week, the week of Thanksgiving, I’m going to focus on what I can change. What’s good in my life. I’m going to continue to live in the sunshine. If the dark clouds roll in, I’ll put on a bright light so I can still see.
Today I’m grateful for many things.
I’m grateful to be alive. I am grateful for my health and the health of my family.
I am grateful for my daughter. She is absolutely amazing. She’s the only reason I’ve been able to pull myself out of bed some days. Her capacity for unconditional love is nothing short of phenomenal. She is funny, charismatic, smart, independent and beautiful. She brings so much joy to my life. If I fail at everything else I do in life, I take comfort knowing that I did at least one thing great.
I am grateful for my job. While its not my dream job (I don’t think I will ever figure out what that is) and the pay isn’t spectacular, I have flexibility and alot of freedom. That has helped tremendously in this journey.
I am grateful for myself. My ability to to change. To see life differently. To look into myself and see how I could improve. To see how I’ve failed others and own up to it and apologize for it. To learn from those mistakes. To stay positive and look for this experience as an opportunity for growth and a better future.
I am grateful that I have a roof over my head, a car to get me where I need to go, no worries about having enough money to pay bills. My family doesn’t go to bed hungry or cold.
I’m grateful that I deleted my social media accounts. I don’t miss them at all. I’m no longer wasting time on there. I’m focusing on the people in front of me. I am also grateful that I have stopped stalking her online. It has helped my anxiety. It has helped me move forward and take the focus off of her and back onto me. What controls your mind controls your life.
I’m grateful for a really good therapist. She has been invaluable to me in this process. I would not be as far as I am without her. I look forward to my sessions with her.
I am grateful that my husband didn’t have an affair with someone I know. Someone from my home town. That my home wasn’t invaded by this. I can live in my home and city and not worry about either of us running into her. I can go to a restaurant and not worry that he took her there. I’m grateful that it only lasted a few months. That they only had sex once. That she didn’t get pregnant. That she didn’t give him a disease. That he didn’t love her. That even though he ended up having an affair, he wasn’t looking for one.
I’m also grateful for my husband. He is a good man. A good man that did a really bad thing. His affair doesn’t define him any more than my abortion defines me. I’m grateful that he feels remorse and is sorry. I’m grateful that he can now see that he had an affair. I’m grateful that he talks to me and answers my questions. I’m grateful that he is still my source of comfort. He holds me when I cry, cuddles me at night. He compliments me. Shows me he cares.
I’m grateful that we haven’t given up on each other yet. We have a lot of pain between us but we also have alot of love. I’m grateful that we don’t hate each other. I’m grateful that we aren’t rushing to make a decision about our future. Its frustrating to live in limbo and we’re both ready to know where we’re headed. But we aren’t forcing anything on each other right now.
So I guess my life isn’t as much of a shit sandwich as I thought.
To move on I have to be strong. To be strong I have to be happy. To be happy I have to love like I haven’t been hurt.