You Reap What You Sow

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affair, d-day, healing after affair, infidelity

“When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help”  – Thich Naht Hanh

Life is not fair.

Its not fair that my pain and suffering before I met my husband spilled over into our marriage. He didn’t deserve it. He didn’t deserve to be treated the way I did. He deserved honesty from me. Intimacy. He deserved the best of me.

Its not fair that I got cheated on. I didn’t deserve it. I did not deserve the lies. The betrayal. The pain. The way it makes me question everything. I deserved honesty and intimacy. I deserved compassion, not punishment.

After we got married, we planted a garden and didn’t tend to it. We didn’t water it. We didn’t pull the weeds. We didn’t prune. We didn’t keep the rodents out.We just figured nature would take care of it. It would get the water it needed from the rain. But we didn’t account for drought. We didn’t plan for the garden drying up. While we didn’t see it at the time, our garden died right in front of us. We were too busy. Too angry. Too resentful. Too complacent. Too naive. We didn’t fight for our garden. We just let it die.

The good news is that a garden can be re-planted. You can heal the soil. You can introduce nutrients that will help it regenerate. You can use proper tools to keep your garden healthy and growing. You can water it. Prune it. Tend to it. Show it love. Show it attention. But you need to put in the work. Some days will be exhausting. Some days you’ll be covered in dirt. Its a ton of work, but worth it in the end. In the end, you can enjoy beautiful flowers and food to nourish your body. The hardest part is starting. Tilling the soil. Re-planting the seeds. Hoping you learned from your past mistakes. Hoping you can see this garden flourish. Hoping you will feel fulfillment from it. Its a little bit of a leap of faith, sure. But more importantly its a decision and a commitment to try again. Try harder. Utilize the lessons you learned from your past mistakes to do better.

True healing, true forgiveness and moving on is not looking to justify your actions and/or blame your spouse. Its not looking to punish the person that hurt you. It doesn’t say that the hurt never happened. It doesn’t’ mean that the hurt was deserved or that the action was acceptable. Its saying the hurt doesn’t control you. Its letting go of fear. Its letting go of a prisoner and learning the prisoner was you.

Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future

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affair, d-day, healing after affair, infidelity

I’ve been trying to focus more on what I have. What I can change. Not live in the past. Not worry about the future. All I truly have is right this very moment. The problem is, I’m pretty much scattered most of the time. My mind racing. I feel like I’m being buried alive. Clawing to get out. Fight my way out and survive. But someone just keeps dumping more dirt on me.

For the most part I’m committed to making my marriage work. I want to have a happier future. I want to feel loved. Fulfilled. Worth it. And I want it with my husband. Despite our many issues we have always held on. Always wanted to be with the other. He’s told me that while he was talking to and was with her in San Francisco, that he wished it was me. That he was thinking of me.

We didn’t get this point in our marriage because we were hateful, vengeful and vindictive. We got here because we loved each other and didn’t know how to show it. Cherish it. Help if flourish. We allowed our pain to prevail. We looked at ways we were unfulfilled instead of the opposite. We let feelings of failure, resentment and anger creep in. And then become the norm. We got used to feeling unloved, not worthy. Not because its truly how we felt – but because we didn’t know how to communicate. And maybe some stubbornness. We didn’t have the proper tools to grow in our marriage. So we drifted further and further apart.

I think we both have a clear understanding of how we failed each other. What we needed to hear, see and feel to have avoided the destruction of our marriage. There were lots of symptoms of our disease. His affair was the most severe. The one that made us both stand up and notice. So that’s the past. I can’t live there anymore. I can choose to learn from it. Grow from it. Not make the same mistakes.

What about the future? I can’t predict what life will bring. If I could, I wouldn’t be in this mess right now. I can take action to try and work towards what I want for my future. I can make decisions that I think and hope will send me in the direction I want to go.

What holds me back is more him than me.  I need to see and feel that he is committed to me. Our marriage. To know that he learned from his affair. That he understands boundaries now. I need complete transparency.  I need him to take 100% full responsibility for his affair. I need him to not defend her, which he’s done. I need for him to realize that by defending her, he’s making the statement that she’s more important than me. That on one hand he’s telling me there was nothing special about her and she simply fulfilled an unmet need but then he defends her. When he defends her, he’s acting territorial. Protecting her. When he should be protecting me. Which pisses me off – and hurts pretty fucking bad. Its times like this I would have just shut down in the past. I would have put my wall up. My protective shield. But I’ve changed. I have learned that shutting down really only hurt me in the long run. So I’m fighting to stay open and vulnerable. I HATE being vulnerable. It scares me to know that I could be opening myself up for another round of being hurt. Staying vulnerable is me taking action to have a better future.

I need to be able to express my emotions and pain about the affair and have him not defend his actions. I don’t want to hear how I failed him in that moment. I want him to wipe my tears, hold me and tell me he is sorry. That he’s sorry and he will do whatever it takes to prove his love and commitment to me. I’m not asking him to sign up for punishment, or a lifetime of having to prove his love because I won’t accept it. I’m not looking for that. I want my husband to cherish me and our marriage. And I want to do the same for him. I want us to be so busy being happy in our relationship and showing each other love, respect, acceptance and intimacy that nobody could invade us again.

I am forever changed. The good news is that I’m in control of how I’m changed, because that is right now. All I really have. Right now I get to choose if this destroys me. Makes me bitter. Or I get to choose if I grow from this. I get to choose if I walk out stronger, wiser. More open. Vulnerable. Happier, because I’m in charge of my happiness and how I feel about myself. I choose the latter every time.

If It Doesn’t Challenge You, It Won’t Change You

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affair, d-day, healing after affair, infidelity

My husband recently told me that when we were first dating as teenagers he knew I’d be the woman he was going to marry. I didn’t feel that way. Marriage, or even a long term relationship were far from my mind. I was fresh out of an abusive relationship and having had an abortion. I just wanted to feel like a teenager.  I chose him because he was always fun to be around. And more importantly, he felt safe to me. Somewhere along the way, I fell in love with him. I’m not even sure when it happened. But it did. His spirit. His energy. His confidence. His soft hopeless romantic side. He made me feel special. Loved.

But I held back a part of me. That part that vowed to never be a victim again. The part that never got to properly mourn my baby. The part that never got to heal from the abuse. The part that felt like a monster. I was a child, too immature to deal with the situation I was in. A child with no help or tools to deal with what I just lived through. My emotions were swept under the rug. Nobody could see them. But they were still there. Just out of sight. If anyone lifted that rug they would have seen the ugliness underneath. The dust and dirt just shoved under there instead of being properly disposed of. So it lived under the rug. At some point I was able to step on the rug; walk over it without being sucked in, but it still lived there. Last year, a little more than 20 years after my experience I finally opened up about my abortion and the abuse. I told my therapist and then my husband. I cried as if it just happened. It felt so good to get it all out. To finally have my husband see me for who I thought I was. A monster. Someone undeserving of love.

The strange realization is that because I thought I was undeserving of love, I acted that way. I made it impossible for my husband to show me his love. To accept it. I couldn’t accept a compliment, nor did I give many. I was unable to connect with my husband emotionally and physically. That’s not to say that I was a horrible person every day and never showed loved and compassion. I just never really let him in. Not all the way. And certainly not the way he wanted in. I hated myself and saw only the negatives in me. So that’s what I saw in others, particularly him. I focused on what he did wrong. How he failed me. I wanted him to be my knight in shining armor. Then we he wasn’t (because no man is) I resented him for it.

That’s not to say he’s perfect and blameless and didn’t contribute to our marital issues. Even before the affair he carries blame. He put me on a pedestal early in our relationship. He had unrealistic expectations of who I should be and how our relationship should be. When I didn’t live up to those, I had failed him in his eyes. He also looked at what was lacking and not what was good.

We basically have always wanted the same thing from each other. We just didn’t know how to communicate effectively and wound up doing more damage.

What I’ve learned through his affair is that life isn’t fair. Sometimes you have to accept that life isn’t going to turn out the way you hoped it would. That your perception of people and situations was wrong. That people will hurt you. That bad things happen to good people. Marriage is hard ass work. Its hard for people that have their shit together and its damn near impossible for the rest of us. Life will knock you down -even kick you while you’re there. But you have to get up. Keep fighting. Change your game plan. Change your perspective. Find an opportunity for growth in every situation. What could life be teaching me in this instant? What can I learn about myself, my husband, our marriage and our future from his affair? The answer is ALOT. I’ve already learned so much. I’ve learned how much pain my husband was in for many years. I’ve been able to deconstruct our marriage and see where and how we went wrong. I’ve been able to see my own flaws and own them, but also forgive myself. I am sorry for the pain I’ve caused. It was never on purpose, or even conscious. He didn’t deserve how I held back from him. He didn’t deserve not getting all of me. I’m learning that I am strong. That I’m capable of more than I thought. That I am worth loving. I am worth fighting for. I am beautiful. I am funny. I am smart. I am caring. I am loyal. I am capable. I am a good mom. I am good enough just as I am. I am me – and nobody else on earth can say that. There is nobody else just like me. I’m learning that if someone doesn’t see me or appreciate me, it doesn’t mean I’m not worthy. It doesn’t make me any less important. Their opinion of me doesn’t matter. Its my opinion of myself that truly counts.

If nothing else, his affair has forced me to look more closely at my life. Appreciate who I am and what I have. Change what I don’t like. Know that I have the power to make the rest of my life the best of my life.

The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new. 

He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.” – Bob Marley

What Are You Afraid Of?

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affair, d-day, healing after affair, infidelity

Fear is the anticipation of pain.

Fear of failure. Fear of being hurt – physically and emotionally. Fear of being vulnerable. Fear of giving someone a chance to hurt you a second time.

Do I stay or do I go? Why can’t I decide for sure? Is it fear? I think some of my inability to decide stems from the fact that I just don’t know where I stand right now. I’m heeding advice of not making a life changing decision any time soon. I need to get my emotions balanced out and my head on straight before doing that. I also need to see what changes occur in myself, my husband and our marriage. We are both currently behaving in ways that don’t do further damage. But are we behaving in ways to reconcile? To heal? To make amends to each other? I think in order to decide to stay I will need to see proof of new found fidelity, trust, love, compassion and commitment. I will need to see continued transparency, open communication and understanding. I need to feel special. I need to know that what he does for me he wouldn’t do for just anyone. I need to know he isn’t going to run at the first sign of danger. That he is in it for the long haul. That we can work through problems together, supporting each other. I will need to see a willingness to let go of the past. Let go of resentment. Let go of anger, hurt, pain. Let go of judging me now based on my past. Let go of assumptions. Let it all go and start over. Reinvent ourselves. Reinvent our marriage.

I need him to talk to me about his emotions. He said he got so used to compartmentalizing that he didn’t think about stuff. But he really didn’t do that. He just got used to not talking with me. Some of that is my fault. I made it very difficult for him to come to me. I can admit and accept that. However, he isn’t unable to talk to me. He’s afraid to. He wasn’t afraid to talk to her. He was quite good at talking to her, actually. Their whole relationship was based on talking. So he isn’t someone that doesn’t want to talk. He just needs to realize that he can talk to me.

He’s also told me that he feels emotionless most of the time from his ability to compartmentalize so well. He isn’t emotionless. He’s afraid of his emotions. Afraid of letting them out. I’ve seen him cry many times in the past few months, sometimes even in public. Hell, he cried in front of her the night they had sex. That’s not someone who is emotionless. That’s someone in intense pain. Pain that they stuffed down for too long. I know this pain. I’ve lived it. It doesn’t mean you don’t have emotions. You just learn to ignore them. You put up a wall so you don’t feel as much. Since the start of his affair in May 2013 he started drinking more. He got drunk alot. His behavior became more reckless. That’s not someone who is emotionless. Its someone running from his emotions. Avoiding them. Hiding, hoping they don’t find him in the dark. Its easier to run than deal with your pain. But eventually, the monster catches you and you have to deal with it. Except now its harder to destroy the monster and came out unscathed.

We have both told each other that we just can’t let go for some reason. Is it just history? Our daughter? Our assets? Or is it something bigger? Am I naive if I think its something bigger, like we’re meant to be together? That his affair was the kick in the ass we both needed to get over our past and build a better future? A future we both deserve.

In my quest to move on and be positive, to use this experience as a catalyst for change, I do alot of reflection and soul searching. In some ways I feel like we hurt each other so bad but yet held on. Doesn’t that count for something? Have some meaning? Or am I just looking for something that isn’t there? He felt our marriage was over and became vulnerable to an affair. But something in him decided to end that “friendship”. He told her that he wanted to work on us.  So he’s hanging on. With me but not really with me. He’s there and I can see that he’s trying. But he’s also holding back. Afraid. Afraid to love me. Afraid he’ll get hurt again.

I can’t say I blame him. I have the same fears.

We cannot start over, but we can begin now and make a new ending. 

I can see clearly now the rain is gone

Tags

affair, d-day, healing after affair, infidelity

Yes, more song lyrics.

The last few days were tough. But today is Monday, the start of a new week. The week of Thanksgiving. I’m shifting my focus to more positive things. I’m going to choose to think of what I have instead of what I don’t . What is good and right in my life instead of how I’ve been wronged and what’s bad.

The past few days I’ve described my life as a shit sandwich. I was dealt a raw deal. I had things done to me that I didn’t deserve. I can wallow in that self pity or I can raise myself up, dust off and throw away the shit sandwich. I have the choice to let it go and build something better. Healthier. This is definitely the hardest thing I’ve experienced. But I’ve lived through other things that at the time I thought were impossible. And I survived those. I will survive this too. Sometimes it takes the worst pain to bring out the best change.

As I switch my mindset its amazing how much clearer I can see things. The dark clouds are blown away and the sun can shine through. I can feel the warmth of the sun. The sun gives me hope. Lifts my spirits. But you can’t appreciate the sun unless you’ve lived through some storms. Lived under the dark clouds.

I’ve been struggling with a few key details of my husband’s affair. He told me that talking with her was effortless. I took that very personal and thought it had to mean something. Had to mean that they were more compatible. A better match. Today I see that it was effortless with her because they had no history or expectations for a future. He didn’t want anything from her other than to be heard. And he didn’t even care that it was her doing the listening. She was able to hear him because he told her he only wanted a friend. So she came in with no expectations as well. Once she started having feelings for him and complicating the situation, he started to back off and keep her at a distance and decided he no longer needed her in his life. She no longer served a purpose.

I’ve also been struggling to comprehend how he didn’t realize that what he was doing was wrong nor did he know that he was having an affair. I know that he knew it was wrong on some level simply by the fact that he hid his relationship with her, was secretive with his phone and email, and had her in his contacts under a “stage” name. What I’m starting to grasp is that he was able to justify his actions and compartmentalize so much that he didn’t see his actions for what they were. He was in the middle of an affair and had no idea that he was. Even after they had sex he didn’t think it was an affair. This is so difficult for me to understand. My therapist and all the reading I do is helping me to see that people involved in an affair, especially one like his that is based on “friendship” where they are just talking and live on opposite sides of the country, don’t see it. They aren’t aware that they are crossing a line. That boundaries were crossed way before they even got to San Francisco and had sex. He is able to look back now and see it more clearly. The fog has lifted. While that doesn’t change history and the pain they caused me, it helps to know he sees it now. I’m starting to comprehend that how I think I would have acted doesn’t mean that’s what he could have done. Or even what I would have done if I was the one having the affair. Its easy for me to see it all and think I would have behaved in a particular way. But the truth is, I don’t know for sure. I only know that I didn’t cross that line.

So this week, the week of Thanksgiving, I’m going to focus on what I can change. What’s good in my life. I’m going to continue to live in the sunshine. If the dark clouds roll in, I’ll put on a bright light so I can still see.

Today I’m grateful for many things.

I’m grateful to be alive. I am grateful for my health and the health of my family.

I am grateful for my daughter. She is absolutely amazing. She’s the only reason I’ve been able to pull myself out of bed some days. Her capacity for unconditional love is nothing short of phenomenal. She is funny, charismatic, smart, independent and beautiful. She brings so much joy to my life. If I fail at everything else I do in life, I take comfort knowing that I did at least one thing great.

I am grateful for my job. While its not my dream job (I don’t think I will ever figure out what that is) and the pay isn’t spectacular, I have flexibility and alot of freedom. That has helped tremendously in this journey.

I am grateful for myself. My ability to to change. To see life differently. To look into myself and see how I could improve. To see how I’ve failed others and own up to it and apologize for it. To learn from those mistakes. To stay positive and look for this experience as an opportunity for growth and a better future.

I am grateful that I have a roof over my head, a car to get me where I need to go, no worries about having enough money to pay bills. My family doesn’t go to bed hungry or cold.

I’m grateful that I deleted my social media accounts. I don’t miss them at all. I’m no longer wasting time on there. I’m focusing on the people in front of me. I am also grateful that I have stopped stalking her online. It has helped my anxiety. It has helped me move forward and take the focus off of her and back onto me. What controls your mind controls your life.

I’m grateful for a really good therapist. She has been invaluable to me in this process. I would not be as far as I am without her. I look forward to my sessions with her.

I am grateful that my husband didn’t have an affair with someone I know. Someone from my home town. That my home wasn’t invaded by this. I can live in my home and city and not worry about either of us running into her. I can go to a restaurant and not worry that he took her there. I’m grateful that it only lasted a few months. That they only had sex once. That she didn’t get pregnant. That she didn’t give him a disease. That he didn’t love her. That even though he ended up having an affair, he wasn’t looking for one.

I’m also grateful for my husband. He is a good man. A good man that did a really bad thing. His affair doesn’t define him any more than my abortion defines me. I’m grateful that he feels remorse and is sorry. I’m grateful that he can now see that he had an affair. I’m grateful that he talks to me and answers my questions. I’m grateful that he is still my source of comfort. He holds me when I cry, cuddles me at night. He compliments me. Shows me he cares.

I’m grateful that we haven’t given up on each other yet.  We have a lot of pain between us but we also have alot of love. I’m grateful that we don’t hate each other. I’m grateful that we aren’t rushing to make a decision about our future. Its frustrating to live in limbo and we’re both ready to know where we’re headed. But we aren’t forcing anything on each other right now.

So I guess my life isn’t as much of a shit sandwich as I thought.

To move on I have to be strong. To be strong I have to be happy. To be happy I have to love like I haven’t been hurt.

The City By The Bay

We just spent a few days in San Francisco. San Francisco is a place we’ve been to before and both enjoy. We went for a football game. San Francisco also happens to be the place where my husband consummated his affair. I knew it would be tough to go. I knew there would be triggers. Walking around wondering what hotel they had sex at? What bars did they hang out at? Where did they eat? What did they talk about? Did he think of me? But I wanted to go. I wanted to take the power away from that place. And from her. I wanted new memories.

While this trip was difficult and a few other issues were thrown in that could have really made for a bad trip, it was good and I’m glad we went. It actually went quite well considering the state of our marriage and the fact that we were in the same spot that he invited her to meet him for the weekend and they ended up having sex.

We both had anxiety about what the other was thinking. My fear of wondering if he was missing her. Thinking about the fun they had, the sex. He was anxious wondering about my anxiety and what questions I was going to ask. It definitely brought out my insecurities and I found myself doing comparisons again. I was almost over those. But I’m giving myself some credit and understanding. I was in a very highly emotionally charged situation. And I think I handled it well.

Being there resurfaced some old fears and brought out some new ones. I felt more anger too. We were within driving distance to her home town. I thought about going there. Finding her parents and asking them if they knew what kind of woman they raised. Going to her work and causing trouble. Finding her boyfriend and fucking him. Confronting her – asking her how it felt to be used. Letting her know that my husband said that there was nothing special about her, except the fact that she gave him attention. If she hadn’t said the right things at the right time, they would never have spoken again after Vegas. That he told me she needs alot of makeup. That she has alot of facial hair. Ask her how it feels to not be good enough for him to commit to. That once she said she loved him he started to push her away. That all he wanted all along was me. That she was a substitute. That he would never had sex with her if he wasn’t drunk. That I hope karma kicks her in the ass in the same way some day.

Of course I didn’t. Its nice to fantasize about destroying her and hurting her the way she hurt me. But in reality, that’s not who I am and it won’t help me heal. And even bigger than that is the fact that she owes me nothing. She didn’t marry me and vow to forsake all others. My husband did. So my rage against her isn’t totally fair. My anger is against both of them. I’ve been able to tell him my pain. He has seen it. I suppose I wanted her to see it too. I wanted to fuck up her life like they did mine.

It also struck me that the last time he had sex in that city – was not with me. We shared a room with our daughter and 18 year old nephew – and I got my period while there so there was no sex for us. So while she was a substitute and used, she can still say that the last time my husband had sex in San Francisco, it was with her and not me. And she may always have that. And wow does that suck. Part of the pain from his affair is that fact that he shared something with her. Even though it wasn’t real, wasn’t love – it was something. Enough for him to keep going to her. Share his emotions and secrets with her. Share his body with her. He shared something with her that I will never be a part of. And that sucks too.

I also learned some new information. He was drunk pretty much the entire time he was there with her. He told me they talked about me and he was thinking of me alot. He was still under the impression that they were just friends. He went to her hotel room to get high. While there he cried. Cried because of our relationship. She hugged him, showed him comfort and the progression of events that led to them having sex started there. While this doesn’t excuse his actions it puts it in perspective a little. I’ve been going crazy trying to figure out how he could go to her room and wind up having sex. I felt like he wasn’t being honest with me.

It also hurt to once again feel the realization that I played a role in how he was vulnerable to her. I know that I am not responsible for his affair. I can say that with the utmost certainty. But I did play a role in how our marriage deteriorated to a point that he had an affair. And that hurts. Its also most of the reason why I’m able to even consider a future with him.

I was in a pretty bad place last night and earlier today. I felt the sinking feeling of falling into a black abyss. I felt that life wasn’t worth living. All we do is get hurt. I read a new post by a fellow blogger about being grateful for what she has. It was exactly what I needed today. I’ve tried to keep that attitude but some days are harder than others. It was a great reminder. You can’t be both depressed and grateful at the same time. So true.

While my life sucks at the moment and I wonder if it will ever get better. I wonder if I will ever feel whole again. Loved again. Able to trust again. I do still have alot to be thankful for. Its time I get back to remembering those and living for the positives in my life.

The pain you feel today is the strength you feel tomorrow. For every challenge encountered there is opportunity for growth.

What’s Changed?

Tags

affair, d-day, healing after affair, infidelity

My husband and I saw each other from a negative perspective for years. We didn’t see the little things we did for each other. We didn’t hear the compliments, or if we did we didn’t believe they were sincere. Just about anything I did, he saw the negative. It was more proof of how I’d failed him. Wasn’t fulfilling his needs. Most people cheat because they’re paying attention to what they’re missing rather than what they have.

And I sat and did the same. Each day, driving a wedge between us. Further and further until it was canyon we couldn’t get across.

My therapist said this is metal filtering. In our case it has been negative. The good news is that you can positively mental filter too. Its choosing to look at the good. Its what I’ve been working on for a year and a half. Choosing to see the good in situations and people. I started to keep a gratitude journal. Its amazing what blessings I have in my life. But I have to be willing to look for them. Its not what you look at but how you see it. When you are trapped in negativity and being a victim – you don’t see what you have. You don’t see the good.

Our biggest fear if we reconcile is not knowing it won’t be like before. That it won’t be good for awhile only for us to fall back into old patterns.  We don’t. But what has changed is us. As individuals we’ve grown. We did couples therapy before but never worked on ourselves. I now see that until we, as individuals, were healthy we could never be satisfied as a couple. I’m also working with my therapist on how to change my thinking. Its an exercise of looking at a situation and asking “where’s the proof, could there be another explanation, and could there be exceptions”? Its tough but has already helped me reevaluate some situations that in the past I could have blown out of proportion. At some point, this will replace my negative way of thinking. I’m excited about that. I’ve lived a large portion of my life waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for the next disappointment. I’ve also learned that sometimes when you expect an outcome, you actually create the situation. Think positive and positive things will happen. Think negative, and that’s what you get.

I leave in a few hours for San Francisco. The place he invited her to meet him in August 2013. Where they spent a weekend together. And had sex their last night there. I’d be a liar if I said this doesn’t give me some level of anxiety. It will be very difficult to walk around Fisherman’s Wharf like they did. Wondering as we walk by bars and restaurants if they went to that one. Wondering if he is remembering their trip. Remembering the sex. Its going to be tough. Very tough. But I’m taking the power back. San Francisco will no longer be about her. Them. Their affair. It will once again be about us. Me. Our memories. Our good times. A new memory with our daughter. We’ve talked about my needs. That I’m going to need some extra attention. Reassurance that he is present. Only there with me. Not with the ghost of her. I’m going with the expectation of fun, new memories, focusing on us and living in the present. I’m far more likely to achieve this if I go with the right mind set. I want and deserve to have fun. So that’s what I’m going to do.

So here’s to change. Change for the better. Change for a more fulfilling life. Change for a positive attitude and all the opportunities it brings.

If you truly want to change your life, you must first be willing to change your mind.

Small steps get you where you want to go

Tags

affair, d-day, healing after affair, infidelity

This process is long and hard. I’m learning that taking simple, small steps every day will get me where I want to go. I can’t, don’t have to, nor should I be expected to make a giant leap to my destination. Small, consistent steps. I may stumble and fall backwards here and there. But as long as I get up and keep moving forward – I WILL get there. I will find peace. Self worth. Love. Acceptance. I will heal. I will heal by taking one small step every day.

I am working to stop myself from compulsive behaviors and continuing to waste my time and energy thinking about her. Thinking about them. Stopping myself from stalking her on the internet. Looking at the details over and over again. Trying to find either evidence of more deceit or evidence of him being truthful. Its a vicious cycle that I believe the longer I’m stuck in, the harder it will be to get out. Its a cycle I want out of. Its unhealthy. Counterproductive. Its not behavior that is going to get me where I want to be. Its keeping the focus on her. The focus should be on me. She was an intruder in my life and has overstayed her welcome. The crazy thing is that my husband invited her and now I’m the one struggling to get rid of her. She’s like an annoying house guest that won’t leave. You finally get them out of your home, but they aren’t really gone. They left, but you are changed from the experience. She may have left the premises, but she didn’t take all her baggage with her. And I’m the one that has to throw it out. Fortunately, trash night comes once a week.

I will take that trash to the curb, one step at a time. The bag may be heavy. I may have to drag it. I may struggle. But I will get there, by taking one step after another.

Yesterday’s small step was to delete my Facebook account, along with Twitter, Pinterest and Instagram. After D-Day I only used Facebook to stalk her and investigate any tie I could find between them. I became a slave to my obsession. So I’m breaking the chains. I know I’ll still have anxiety and urges. But the more I can work through this and deny the urges, the healthier I will be.

Today’s small step is that I used the time I would have wasted on social media focusing on improving myself. Instead of playing private investigator, I read tips on how to improve my self esteem. That is what is going to heal me. Make me the person I want to be. Help me live in the moment. Realize my worth. This type of positive action is going to be a catalyst for change in my life. One small step at a time.

Its actually quite freeing.

The moment you can visualize being free from the things that hold you back you have indeed begun to set yourself free.

Yes, I hear you knocking. No, you can’t come in.

Tags

affair, d-day, healing after affair, infidelity

So I’ve learned that this healing process is some shit. The majority of the time, I feel pretty good. Positive. Hopeful. But man, when the demons get me – they have a vice grip on me. The demons are my insecurities. Most times when they come knocking, I can keep the door closed. Not answer. Ignore them until they give up and go away. But there are times where I just can’t ignore them. They don’t stop knocking. They ring the bell over and over again. They scream my name. I give in. I open the door and let them in. Then I engage in compulsive and destructive behavior. Behavior that in the end, only hurts me. So why can’t I tell those bastards to go to hell when they come a’knocking?!?!

I did some things I’m not proud since learning about his affair.  I’ve stalked her of Facebook. Found tweets even though I don’t follow her on Twitter. I found her Pinterest page and scoured it. If it exists on the internet, I’ve found it. At times I feel like I know her better than my husband. I have spent far too much time thinking about her. Researching her. Engaging in that behavior takes time away from me focusing on me. Healing me. Spending time with my daughter and my husband. Intuitively I know all this. Its getting the emotional side of me in check that proves to be troublesome at times.

Our marriage kinda sucked for a long time. We were ambivalent. One foot in the door, one foot out. We failed each other in many ways. One of the main reasons I’m still here is because I know he was unhappy. He told me. Many times. We talked about divorce and were in counseling before he met her. Our failures opened the door for us both to be susceptible, he just chose to walk through the door. He walked to get validation. He didn’t care who gave it to him.

He’s told me several times there was nothing special about her. Nothing special except the fact that she talked to him. Listened to him. Told him he’s great, built him up. He’s told me that its me he’s always wanted. Its me he wished he felt safe enough to open up to and be himself. Be himself without fear of me judging him. Making him feel stupid. Making him feel that he isn’t good enough. And that hurts. It hurts to know you damaged someone that you love.

Is the pain I’ve caused him any less severe than the pain he’s caused me? Was my behavior any better than his? If given the opportunity, could I have had an affair? Its easy for me to say no, because I didn’t. But if I did, I would want compassion, understanding and forgiveness.

Healing comes from taking responsibility. To realize that it is you – and no one else – that creates your thoughts, your feelings and your actions.

So until I find that sweet place of being healed, I guess I’ll keep fighting off the demons. And when they get the best of me, remind myself that I will fall down. But I will also get back up. And much like how his affair doesn’t define me, neither does this.

I sense a shift in the force

Tags

affair, d-day, healing after affair, infidelity

Again with a movie or song quote.

Why is moving forward so damn hard? I’m just over two months from D-Day and am very proud of my progress. It just sucks that his actions are costing me so much. It sucks that I think about her and what they did more than he does. Not that I want her on his mind. But I don’t want her and their affair on my mind either. I want to be free of it. Peaceful. Happy. I do believe that I will be there one day and I know it takes time. I am not good at waiting. I am continuing to choose a positive attitude, I’m working on my self esteem and looking towards forgiveness and the possibility of reconciliation. And if reconciliation isn’t our future, then I want to be fine with that too. It all comes down to choices. My choice everyday to be better than I was the day before. Practice kindness and generosity.

If you are struggling, that means you are progressing.

We went on a date night last night. We were going to see a movie, but it sold out. So we had more time to hang out and talk. We had a really good conversation. We had some good conversation yesterday before we even left too. We are both feeling closer to each other than we have in a really long time. My husband paid me alot of compliments and told me any guy would be lucky to have me. It was all around a good evening. I said yesterday, if we could just erase the hurt we’ve caused each other and look at this moment – we’re actually happy. Loving. Respectful. Intimate.

My husband was trying to help our daughter with a toy today. In the process he nicked the bottom of it with a screwdriver. She got upset, cried and said “you ruined it”. His response was, “I’m sorry. How can I make it better?”. Very sweet. It occurred to me, that he hasn’t said those words to me. He has said he’s sorry multiple times, yes. But asking me how to make it better? Those words haven’t been spoken. Until I heard him say it to our daughter, I didn’t even realize that I’ve been wanting to hear him ask me the same.

Even though he hasn’t said those exact words, he has been great in this process. As crazy as it is, I’m grateful for it. While he is the source of my pain, I know that not all waywards stick around for their “penance”, have remorse, wipe away the tears, provide answers, or comfort. He’s more involved at home. More engaged. With me and our daughter. I’ve noticed changes within him. Good changes. Changes that remind me of why and how I fell in love with him, and continue to love him. It makes me hope for a better future.

Sometimes I think it would be easier if I could just shut off my emotions. Kick him out. Shut him out. Move on. Then I wouldn’t be going through this process. I’d rather have my finger nails ripped off than deal with this shit. But in order to truly heal, I need to feel this pain. I need to ask the tough questions of him and myself. Not to prolong this process, but to learn from it. Grow from it. So I don’t make the same mistakes. Someone once told me “Nothing in life is a mistake unless you don’t learn from it.” I also believe everything in life happens for a reason. While this is one hell of a “mistake” and tough lesson, in some ways I think his affair happened to get us out of ambivalence. We’d been living in marriage limbo for years. Neither of us really in our marriage, but neither of us leaving it either. His infidelity has forced our hands. We now have to make some tough decisions. We have to look at ourselves. Our own issues. Our own shortcomings. Our own baggage. Then look at some horrible things we’ve done to each other. His affair has taught us both that we aren’t willing to live like that anymore. That we both want and deserve better. Sometimes the biggest tragedies turn out to the best thing that could ever happen.

I was the woman that always said, “If you ever cheat on me I will take everything from you. I will break you”. I truly felt there was no coming back from that kind of betrayal. But you never know how you’ll act until you live it. And, I’m not that woman anymore. I started making positive changes in my life over a year ago. I am not the vengeful, resentful person I once was. She didn’t serve me well, so she doesn’t get to live within me anymore. My hope is that one day I can exorcise this pain, memories of his affair, the insecurity and thinking of her as well as I’ve dumped the “old” me.

I am not what has happened to me, I am what I chose to become.