Yesterday was a really tough day. I felt disconnected most of the day. I felt “off”. I had questions swirling in my head again. Questions were becoming less frequent. I was getting closer to acceptance. It took me awhile to realize why I felt that way. I realized late in the evening, after I went to bed, that it was the new information I learned. While the information itself wasn’t earth shattering, it was still new information. I had processed the fact that they ended their affair in November 2013 and had contact twice and some likes on Facebook. I worked through that. Now, with new information that whole process starts over. I wish waywards could see that. That by not being honest upfront, they are actually making the healing process harder and take much longer. As if we weren’t hurt enough by the affair, the scabs keep getting ripped off with new information. Now we bleed again.
I started to go to individual counseling in the spring of 2013. Coincidentally around the same time his affair began. What I’ve learned about myself, who I want to be and what I want from life has helped me in ways I can’t even express.I truly believe I would not be able to function on any level today if it weren’t for the progress I’ve made in myself. Its sad that just when I was ready to improve myself and invest more into this marriage – my husband checked out. Gave up.
My experience with having an abusive boyfriend, getting pregnant and having an abortion at the age of 15 shaped me in alot of ways. I swore I’d never be a victim again. My self esteem and worth as a human being was as low as it could possibly get. I had nobody to talk to. I had to hold it inside. I had to try and deal with what I’d been through on my own. I had to deal with a very adult situation as a child. On my own. I had no friends I could talk to. My parents didn’t ever ask me how I was doing, never suggested counseling. They didn’t make it ok to talk about. So I put on a brave, happy, unaffected by this situation mask. I put on a performance for the world. I wanted to feel normal. Like a teenager. I was envious of my friends that seemed so carefree. They weren’t living a lie. The thing about not facing your demons, is that they will ALWAYS catch up to you. At some point, I couldn’t put on the brave face anymore. I started to withdraw from life. Some of the closest people to me didn’t recognize it. Or if they did – didn’t bother to verbalize it. This makes the feelings even worse. Feeling like you are falling down the rabbit hole and nobody even cares. Nobody is there to grab your hand and help you back up. Over time, I became depressed. It destroyed me. It affected the way I treated my husband. And in some ways destroyed him. Would he have cheated if I fulfilled his needs? I don’t know.
He has some issues from childhood that he needs to address that I feel have contributed to our marital issues and his affair. He has never felt good enough. For his parents. For me. At a young age he was very driven to succeed in life. That’s not a bad trait. However, when you do it for approval from others – its dangerous. He needs validation from others to feel good about himself. The fact that she gave him validation is what made their affair possible. Even though they had sex once, I can believe their affair wasn’t about sex. We live on opposite sides of the country. He would have found someone more accessible if it was about sex. His need for validation is one of the biggest things that scares me about reconciliation. If he isn’t happy with himself, doesn’t feel good enough on his own regardless of what me or anyone else thinks – can he truly be happy? If we hit a patch of me not validating him enough, is he going to run out and have another affair? Its not fair to me to be the keeper of his self worth and happiness. And it will always fail. I put him in charge of my happiness, so I know first hand how destructive this is.
Reconciliation. Its a tough one. Neither of us knows for sure what we want. I’ve read that when its time to leave, you’ll just know. I suppose the fact that neither of us has left is a good sign.
Most of the time, I think its what I want. For the most part, we have been amazing to each other post D-Day. He made me breakfast this morning. He is giving me compliments. Showing his attraction to me. We’ve taken a trip. Had more date nights. I’ve been calling myself a remix, version 2.0 due to the major changes I’ve made in my life and my attitude. He’s noticed the changes and told me he could fall in love with the remix every day of the week. (While its amazing and comforting to hear that – its not the reason why I’ve changed. Its for me). The sex is utterly mind shattering and frequent. Its more than just sex. Its the intimate connection. We are connecting on other levels too. Our conversations. Understanding for each other. I was out of town for work two nights earlier this week. When I got back he left work and met me at home for a nooner. I know some women would look at that as just sex. But its more than that to me. There was a time where he would have not done that. Work was too important, I wasn’t a priority. After some great sex, we went to lunch. We took separate cars since we were going different places after. We went to a grocery store with a really good cafe. I picked up a few misc items after lunch. While I was in the store, he moved my car to a closer parking space so I wouldn’t have to walk in the snow. He also brushed my car off. I’ve done some nice things for him. Last night he had an issue at work. I stopped in to see him after I took my daughter to the doctor which is near his office. My daughter and I stayed with him while he was stuck at the office. We couldn’t help him, sometimes couldn’t even talk to him. But we stayed. Not because it was so exciting for us. But I wanted to show him my support. To let him know he’s not alone. I’ve given him more compliments. Taken more notice of him.
If we could remove all the hurt we caused each other, I think we’d both agree we are happy living in the present and our marriage is actually pretty good. The trick is removing the hurt. When someone figures out the secret formula for that, I hope they share it. Until then, what we are doing really isn’t going too terrible.