Again with a movie or song quote.
Why is moving forward so damn hard? I’m just over two months from D-Day and am very proud of my progress. It just sucks that his actions are costing me so much. It sucks that I think about her and what they did more than he does. Not that I want her on his mind. But I don’t want her and their affair on my mind either. I want to be free of it. Peaceful. Happy. I do believe that I will be there one day and I know it takes time. I am not good at waiting. I am continuing to choose a positive attitude, I’m working on my self esteem and looking towards forgiveness and the possibility of reconciliation. And if reconciliation isn’t our future, then I want to be fine with that too. It all comes down to choices. My choice everyday to be better than I was the day before. Practice kindness and generosity.
If you are struggling, that means you are progressing.
We went on a date night last night. We were going to see a movie, but it sold out. So we had more time to hang out and talk. We had a really good conversation. We had some good conversation yesterday before we even left too. We are both feeling closer to each other than we have in a really long time. My husband paid me alot of compliments and told me any guy would be lucky to have me. It was all around a good evening. I said yesterday, if we could just erase the hurt we’ve caused each other and look at this moment – we’re actually happy. Loving. Respectful. Intimate.
My husband was trying to help our daughter with a toy today. In the process he nicked the bottom of it with a screwdriver. She got upset, cried and said “you ruined it”. His response was, “I’m sorry. How can I make it better?”. Very sweet. It occurred to me, that he hasn’t said those words to me. He has said he’s sorry multiple times, yes. But asking me how to make it better? Those words haven’t been spoken. Until I heard him say it to our daughter, I didn’t even realize that I’ve been wanting to hear him ask me the same.
Even though he hasn’t said those exact words, he has been great in this process. As crazy as it is, I’m grateful for it. While he is the source of my pain, I know that not all waywards stick around for their “penance”, have remorse, wipe away the tears, provide answers, or comfort. He’s more involved at home. More engaged. With me and our daughter. I’ve noticed changes within him. Good changes. Changes that remind me of why and how I fell in love with him, and continue to love him. It makes me hope for a better future.
Sometimes I think it would be easier if I could just shut off my emotions. Kick him out. Shut him out. Move on. Then I wouldn’t be going through this process. I’d rather have my finger nails ripped off than deal with this shit. But in order to truly heal, I need to feel this pain. I need to ask the tough questions of him and myself. Not to prolong this process, but to learn from it. Grow from it. So I don’t make the same mistakes. Someone once told me “Nothing in life is a mistake unless you don’t learn from it.” I also believe everything in life happens for a reason. While this is one hell of a “mistake” and tough lesson, in some ways I think his affair happened to get us out of ambivalence. We’d been living in marriage limbo for years. Neither of us really in our marriage, but neither of us leaving it either. His infidelity has forced our hands. We now have to make some tough decisions. We have to look at ourselves. Our own issues. Our own shortcomings. Our own baggage. Then look at some horrible things we’ve done to each other. His affair has taught us both that we aren’t willing to live like that anymore. That we both want and deserve better. Sometimes the biggest tragedies turn out to the best thing that could ever happen.
I was the woman that always said, “If you ever cheat on me I will take everything from you. I will break you”. I truly felt there was no coming back from that kind of betrayal. But you never know how you’ll act until you live it. And, I’m not that woman anymore. I started making positive changes in my life over a year ago. I am not the vengeful, resentful person I once was. She didn’t serve me well, so she doesn’t get to live within me anymore. My hope is that one day I can exorcise this pain, memories of his affair, the insecurity and thinking of her as well as I’ve dumped the “old” me.
I am not what has happened to me, I am what I chose to become.