So I’ve learned that this healing process is some shit. The majority of the time, I feel pretty good. Positive. Hopeful. But man, when the demons get me – they have a vice grip on me. The demons are my insecurities. Most times when they come knocking, I can keep the door closed. Not answer. Ignore them until they give up and go away. But there are times where I just can’t ignore them. They don’t stop knocking. They ring the bell over and over again. They scream my name. I give in. I open the door and let them in. Then I engage in compulsive and destructive behavior. Behavior that in the end, only hurts me. So why can’t I tell those bastards to go to hell when they come a’knocking?!?!
I did some things I’m not proud since learning about his affair. I’ve stalked her of Facebook. Found tweets even though I don’t follow her on Twitter. I found her Pinterest page and scoured it. If it exists on the internet, I’ve found it. At times I feel like I know her better than my husband. I have spent far too much time thinking about her. Researching her. Engaging in that behavior takes time away from me focusing on me. Healing me. Spending time with my daughter and my husband. Intuitively I know all this. Its getting the emotional side of me in check that proves to be troublesome at times.
Our marriage kinda sucked for a long time. We were ambivalent. One foot in the door, one foot out. We failed each other in many ways. One of the main reasons I’m still here is because I know he was unhappy. He told me. Many times. We talked about divorce and were in counseling before he met her. Our failures opened the door for us both to be susceptible, he just chose to walk through the door. He walked to get validation. He didn’t care who gave it to him.
He’s told me several times there was nothing special about her. Nothing special except the fact that she talked to him. Listened to him. Told him he’s great, built him up. He’s told me that its me he’s always wanted. Its me he wished he felt safe enough to open up to and be himself. Be himself without fear of me judging him. Making him feel stupid. Making him feel that he isn’t good enough. And that hurts. It hurts to know you damaged someone that you love.
Is the pain I’ve caused him any less severe than the pain he’s caused me? Was my behavior any better than his? If given the opportunity, could I have had an affair? Its easy for me to say no, because I didn’t. But if I did, I would want compassion, understanding and forgiveness.
Healing comes from taking responsibility. To realize that it is you – and no one else – that creates your thoughts, your feelings and your actions.
So until I find that sweet place of being healed, I guess I’ll keep fighting off the demons. And when they get the best of me, remind myself that I will fall down. But I will also get back up. And much like how his affair doesn’t define me, neither does this.