This process is long and hard. I’m learning that taking simple, small steps every day will get me where I want to go. I can’t, don’t have to, nor should I be expected to make a giant leap to my destination. Small, consistent steps. I may stumble and fall backwards here and there. But as long as I get up and keep moving forward – I WILL get there. I will find peace. Self worth. Love. Acceptance. I will heal. I will heal by taking one small step every day.
I am working to stop myself from compulsive behaviors and continuing to waste my time and energy thinking about her. Thinking about them. Stopping myself from stalking her on the internet. Looking at the details over and over again. Trying to find either evidence of more deceit or evidence of him being truthful. Its a vicious cycle that I believe the longer I’m stuck in, the harder it will be to get out. Its a cycle I want out of. Its unhealthy. Counterproductive. Its not behavior that is going to get me where I want to be. Its keeping the focus on her. The focus should be on me. She was an intruder in my life and has overstayed her welcome. The crazy thing is that my husband invited her and now I’m the one struggling to get rid of her. She’s like an annoying house guest that won’t leave. You finally get them out of your home, but they aren’t really gone. They left, but you are changed from the experience. She may have left the premises, but she didn’t take all her baggage with her. And I’m the one that has to throw it out. Fortunately, trash night comes once a week.
I will take that trash to the curb, one step at a time. The bag may be heavy. I may have to drag it. I may struggle. But I will get there, by taking one step after another.
Yesterday’s small step was to delete my Facebook account, along with Twitter, Pinterest and Instagram. After D-Day I only used Facebook to stalk her and investigate any tie I could find between them. I became a slave to my obsession. So I’m breaking the chains. I know I’ll still have anxiety and urges. But the more I can work through this and deny the urges, the healthier I will be.
Today’s small step is that I used the time I would have wasted on social media focusing on improving myself. Instead of playing private investigator, I read tips on how to improve my self esteem. That is what is going to heal me. Make me the person I want to be. Help me live in the moment. Realize my worth. This type of positive action is going to be a catalyst for change in my life. One small step at a time.
Its actually quite freeing.
The moment you can visualize being free from the things that hold you back you have indeed begun to set yourself free.