, , ,

My husband and I saw each other from a negative perspective for years. We didn’t see the little things we did for each other. We didn’t hear the compliments, or if we did we didn’t believe they were sincere. Just about anything I did, he saw the negative. It was more proof of how I’d failed him. Wasn’t fulfilling his needs. Most people cheat because they’re paying attention to what they’re missing rather than what they have.

And I sat and did the same. Each day, driving a wedge between us. Further and further until it was canyon we couldn’t get across.

My therapist said this is metal filtering. In our case it has been negative. The good news is that you can positively mental filter too. Its choosing to look at the good. Its what I’ve been working on for a year and a half. Choosing to see the good in situations and people. I started to keep a gratitude journal. Its amazing what blessings I have in my life. But I have to be willing to look for them. Its not what you look at but how you see it. When you are trapped in negativity and being a victim – you don’t see what you have. You don’t see the good.

Our biggest fear if we reconcile is not knowing it won’t be like before. That it won’t be good for awhile only for us to fall back into old patterns.  We don’t. But what has changed is us. As individuals we’ve grown. We did couples therapy before but never worked on ourselves. I now see that until we, as individuals, were healthy we could never be satisfied as a couple. I’m also working with my therapist on how to change my thinking. Its an exercise of looking at a situation and asking “where’s the proof, could there be another explanation, and could there be exceptions”? Its tough but has already helped me reevaluate some situations that in the past I could have blown out of proportion. At some point, this will replace my negative way of thinking. I’m excited about that. I’ve lived a large portion of my life waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for the next disappointment. I’ve also learned that sometimes when you expect an outcome, you actually create the situation. Think positive and positive things will happen. Think negative, and that’s what you get.

I leave in a few hours for San Francisco. The place he invited her to meet him in August 2013. Where they spent a weekend together. And had sex their last night there. I’d be a liar if I said this doesn’t give me some level of anxiety. It will be very difficult to walk around Fisherman’s Wharf like they did. Wondering as we walk by bars and restaurants if they went to that one. Wondering if he is remembering their trip. Remembering the sex. Its going to be tough. Very tough. But I’m taking the power back. San Francisco will no longer be about her. Them. Their affair. It will once again be about us. Me. Our memories. Our good times. A new memory with our daughter. We’ve talked about my needs. That I’m going to need some extra attention. Reassurance that he is present. Only there with me. Not with the ghost of her. I’m going with the expectation of fun, new memories, focusing on us and living in the present. I’m far more likely to achieve this if I go with the right mind set. I want and deserve to have fun. So that’s what I’m going to do.

So here’s to change. Change for the better. Change for a more fulfilling life. Change for a positive attitude and all the opportunities it brings.

If you truly want to change your life, you must first be willing to change your mind.