We just spent a few days in San Francisco. San Francisco is a place we’ve been to before and both enjoy. We went for a football game. San Francisco also happens to be the place where my husband consummated his affair. I knew it would be tough to go. I knew there would be triggers. Walking around wondering what hotel they had sex at? What bars did they hang out at? Where did they eat? What did they talk about? Did he think of me? But I wanted to go. I wanted to take the power away from that place. And from her. I wanted new memories.
While this trip was difficult and a few other issues were thrown in that could have really made for a bad trip, it was good and I’m glad we went. It actually went quite well considering the state of our marriage and the fact that we were in the same spot that he invited her to meet him for the weekend and they ended up having sex.
We both had anxiety about what the other was thinking. My fear of wondering if he was missing her. Thinking about the fun they had, the sex. He was anxious wondering about my anxiety and what questions I was going to ask. It definitely brought out my insecurities and I found myself doing comparisons again. I was almost over those. But I’m giving myself some credit and understanding. I was in a very highly emotionally charged situation. And I think I handled it well.
Being there resurfaced some old fears and brought out some new ones. I felt more anger too. We were within driving distance to her home town. I thought about going there. Finding her parents and asking them if they knew what kind of woman they raised. Going to her work and causing trouble. Finding her boyfriend and fucking him. Confronting her – asking her how it felt to be used. Letting her know that my husband said that there was nothing special about her, except the fact that she gave him attention. If she hadn’t said the right things at the right time, they would never have spoken again after Vegas. That he told me she needs alot of makeup. That she has alot of facial hair. Ask her how it feels to not be good enough for him to commit to. That once she said she loved him he started to push her away. That all he wanted all along was me. That she was a substitute. That he would never had sex with her if he wasn’t drunk. That I hope karma kicks her in the ass in the same way some day.
Of course I didn’t. Its nice to fantasize about destroying her and hurting her the way she hurt me. But in reality, that’s not who I am and it won’t help me heal. And even bigger than that is the fact that she owes me nothing. She didn’t marry me and vow to forsake all others. My husband did. So my rage against her isn’t totally fair. My anger is against both of them. I’ve been able to tell him my pain. He has seen it. I suppose I wanted her to see it too. I wanted to fuck up her life like they did mine.
It also struck me that the last time he had sex in that city – was not with me. We shared a room with our daughter and 18 year old nephew – and I got my period while there so there was no sex for us. So while she was a substitute and used, she can still say that the last time my husband had sex in San Francisco, it was with her and not me. And she may always have that. And wow does that suck. Part of the pain from his affair is that fact that he shared something with her. Even though it wasn’t real, wasn’t love – it was something. Enough for him to keep going to her. Share his emotions and secrets with her. Share his body with her. He shared something with her that I will never be a part of. And that sucks too.
I also learned some new information. He was drunk pretty much the entire time he was there with her. He told me they talked about me and he was thinking of me alot. He was still under the impression that they were just friends. He went to her hotel room to get high. While there he cried. Cried because of our relationship. She hugged him, showed him comfort and the progression of events that led to them having sex started there. While this doesn’t excuse his actions it puts it in perspective a little. I’ve been going crazy trying to figure out how he could go to her room and wind up having sex. I felt like he wasn’t being honest with me.
It also hurt to once again feel the realization that I played a role in how he was vulnerable to her. I know that I am not responsible for his affair. I can say that with the utmost certainty. But I did play a role in how our marriage deteriorated to a point that he had an affair. And that hurts. Its also most of the reason why I’m able to even consider a future with him.
I was in a pretty bad place last night and earlier today. I felt the sinking feeling of falling into a black abyss. I felt that life wasn’t worth living. All we do is get hurt. I read a new post by a fellow blogger about being grateful for what she has. It was exactly what I needed today. I’ve tried to keep that attitude but some days are harder than others. It was a great reminder. You can’t be both depressed and grateful at the same time. So true.
While my life sucks at the moment and I wonder if it will ever get better. I wonder if I will ever feel whole again. Loved again. Able to trust again. I do still have alot to be thankful for. Its time I get back to remembering those and living for the positives in my life.
The pain you feel today is the strength you feel tomorrow. For every challenge encountered there is opportunity for growth.