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I’ve been trying to focus more on what I have. What I can change. Not live in the past. Not worry about the future. All I truly have is right this very moment. The problem is, I’m pretty much scattered most of the time. My mind racing. I feel like I’m being buried alive. Clawing to get out. Fight my way out and survive. But someone just keeps dumping more dirt on me.

For the most part I’m committed to making my marriage work. I want to have a happier future. I want to feel loved. Fulfilled. Worth it. And I want it with my husband. Despite our many issues we have always held on. Always wanted to be with the other. He’s told me that while he was talking to and was with her in San Francisco, that he wished it was me. That he was thinking of me.

We didn’t get this point in our marriage because we were hateful, vengeful and vindictive. We got here because we loved each other and didn’t know how to show it. Cherish it. Help if flourish. We allowed our pain to prevail. We looked at ways we were unfulfilled instead of the opposite. We let feelings of failure, resentment and anger creep in. And then become the norm. We got used to feeling unloved, not worthy. Not because its truly how we felt – but because we didn’t know how to communicate. And maybe some stubbornness. We didn’t have the proper tools to grow in our marriage. So we drifted further and further apart.

I think we both have a clear understanding of how we failed each other. What we needed to hear, see and feel to have avoided the destruction of our marriage. There were lots of symptoms of our disease. His affair was the most severe. The one that made us both stand up and notice. So that’s the past. I can’t live there anymore. I can choose to learn from it. Grow from it. Not make the same mistakes.

What about the future? I can’t predict what life will bring. If I could, I wouldn’t be in this mess right now. I can take action to try and work towards what I want for my future. I can make decisions that I think and hope will send me in the direction I want to go.

What holds me back is more him than me.  I need to see and feel that he is committed to me. Our marriage. To know that he learned from his affair. That he understands boundaries now. I need complete transparency.  I need him to take 100% full responsibility for his affair. I need him to not defend her, which he’s done. I need for him to realize that by defending her, he’s making the statement that she’s more important than me. That on one hand he’s telling me there was nothing special about her and she simply fulfilled an unmet need but then he defends her. When he defends her, he’s acting territorial. Protecting her. When he should be protecting me. Which pisses me off – and hurts pretty fucking bad. Its times like this I would have just shut down in the past. I would have put my wall up. My protective shield. But I’ve changed. I have learned that shutting down really only hurt me in the long run. So I’m fighting to stay open and vulnerable. I HATE being vulnerable. It scares me to know that I could be opening myself up for another round of being hurt. Staying vulnerable is me taking action to have a better future.

I need to be able to express my emotions and pain about the affair and have him not defend his actions. I don’t want to hear how I failed him in that moment. I want him to wipe my tears, hold me and tell me he is sorry. That he’s sorry and he will do whatever it takes to prove his love and commitment to me. I’m not asking him to sign up for punishment, or a lifetime of having to prove his love because I won’t accept it. I’m not looking for that. I want my husband to cherish me and our marriage. And I want to do the same for him. I want us to be so busy being happy in our relationship and showing each other love, respect, acceptance and intimacy that nobody could invade us again.

I am forever changed. The good news is that I’m in control of how I’m changed, because that is right now. All I really have. Right now I get to choose if this destroys me. Makes me bitter. Or I get to choose if I grow from this. I get to choose if I walk out stronger, wiser. More open. Vulnerable. Happier, because I’m in charge of my happiness and how I feel about myself. I choose the latter every time.