Its the holidays. My birthday was Christmas Eve. We had a wedding this past weekend and have another on New Year’s Eve. Its all about gifts right now. This got me thinking about gifts and blessings in my life. I started this blog as a means to express my emotions. Let my wounds bleed. A process to help me heal. Reading other betrayed spouse’s blogs has helped me in so many ways, its why I decided to start my own. Just knowing I’m not alone. Knowing people survive betrayal. Knowing the roller coaster of emotions I’m riding is normal. Knowing that there will come a day when the ride is more smooth. Knowing that I will find peace again.
Although I choose to have my blog public, I never expected anyone to read it. Let alone comment and give me support. This has been a very surprising and unexpected gift. I have a community of support from people I have never even met. Our bond is that we’ve all experienced the pain of betrayal from the person we love the most. We don’t know anything else about each other. But it doesn’t matter. We’re here. Giving support to perfect strangers. I wish I never had to come here for support. But I did. And its been a blessing. Every like, every comment – is a message that somebody out there knows what I’m feeling and is telling me to press on. Somebody I have never met cares.
We were all handed a raw deal. None of us deserved what happened to us. There is pain. Agony. Feeling shattered. Feeling numb. Crying until you can’t anymore. Wanting to die just to stop the pain. Feeling hopeless. If its a bad emotion and just sucks in general, add it to the list. Each of us has a different story. Some affairs were long. Some were with friends. Some with coworkers. Some with strangers. Some involved love. Some were just about sex. Some were about friendship at first. Some were short and less messy. The reasons our husbands strayed vary. In any case, we are all devastated and don’t know how to move on.
We are living in an emotional hurricane. But this place is like the eye of the storm. The calmness before the storm strikes again. Here, we aren’t judged. We are safe. We don’t have to explain ourselves. We are just encouraged. Understood. Accepted. Supported.
My journey thus far has been difficult to say the least. However, I’ve tried to maintain some aspect of positivity. I’ve tried to find the silver lining. The blessings I do have. Practice an attitude of gratitude. This attitude has helped me see what I still have. Its helped me keep my focus on that.
Sure, I’ve wallowed in my loss. My marriage wasn’t immune to an affair like I thought it was. My husband became a complete stranger to me. He did things I never thought he was capable of. I have felt the pain from these discoveries. We need to feel it. Allow ourselves to grieve. But we can’t get stuck. We have to keep moving. We have to look at the good still present in our lives. We can’t see the good if we’re too wrapped up in the negative. Yes, I feel sorry for myself at times. Yes, I have a range of emotions including anger. I’m not positive all the time. This shit gets me down. But the important things is I’m not staying down. I keep getting back up. And its getting easier every time. I’m not falling as far. Or staying down as long. I’m getting stronger.
Having this forum to express my emotions. Having strangers give me support and positive feedback has been amazing. Each of you are an unexpected gift to me. All wrapped up with a pretty bow.