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That damn song! It has such a great message about life though. Letting go is easier sung than done though.

My husband and I had an impromptu date night on Friday. We went to a local club that we belong to. Its fancy. You have to wear dress clothes. The food and service is excellent. And they make the BEST French Martinis!

My husband went to the club in the late afternoon to meet some customers. He asked me to join him when I got out of work. It was a nice, unexpected, surprise. Luckily I found a sitter on short notice. I got myself dressed up – and looked pretty effing hot if I may say so- and met him there. We had a nice dinner and some drinks. We had good conversation and enjoyed each other’s company.

Our conversation got a little heated a few times. But nothing out of control. I often think if we don’t ever disagree, fight, or have tempers flare – then we don’t care. We’ve been there before. We’ve been in a place where neither of us really cared. We didn’t put in the effort. Our marriage wasn’t worth fighting for.

So while we had a few heated moments, the overall conversation was good. The evening was good. Just the two of us spending time together was good. It was a reminder to me as to why I’m staying. Why I’m putting myself through the agony.

We are pretty much past the discovery stage. I’m not asking the questions I once did. Sure, “why?” comes up from time to time. But I’m not asking the detailed questions about how they met, what they talked about, what did they do in San Francisco, when did they stop talking, why did they stop talking? All those questions that swirled in my mind have calmed. I don’t think of them much at all. And if I do, I remind myself of his answers. I’m not comparing myself to her. Again, I will on occasion catch myself, but I can quickly recognize it and change my thinking. I do still wonder at times if they’ve had contact since September when I found out about her. I do still wonder if I know the whole story about them. Those fears don’t consume me like they used to. Be they are still there. Under the surface.

My biggest questions now are, “Can I trust him? Should I trust him? Can we make it work? Can we be happy? Can we truly get over all of our shit and let go? Can we let go and build a new future?”

We talked about how we are both in the pool, but still hanging onto the ledge. Afraid to let go. I’m afraid to let go and be vulnerable. Only to be crushed again. Only to learn later on that their affair was more than what I know. That they saw each other more than he said. Afraid that I will give my heart to him completely and it won’t be enough. I know he is afraid too. He’s afraid that we’ll be connected for awhile, but then become complacent and then go back to our “old” ways. We won’t be emotionally or physically intimate anymore. He will feel unloved. Unfulfilled.

He did say he sees the boundaries he crossed with her. He learned. He has promised that he would come to me if he’s feeling those old feelings again. So we can work on them together. And then, if I was unwilling to work on it, he would leave me before crossing the boundaries again.

I recognize how much I hurt him. How I left him feeling so many horrible emotions about himself. He felt he wasn’t worthy of love.  He didn’t feel that I cared about him at all. He is still somewhat surprised to see how devastating his actions were to me.

All in all, we both verbalized that we are moving forward with each other. We are both working towards a future together. Although neither of us will just put it out there and say “I want our marriage to work. I’m willing to do whatever it takes. I’m fully committed to you.” I think we have taken that as a “sign” that we aren’t meant to be together. I look at it as just needing some time. Time to get our emotions in check and think a little more clearly. We are stable now. Our marriage is stable.

Recovering from an affair is one of the most difficult experiences in life. I think the death of a child would be the only thing more painful. I pray I never have to know. An affair sucks. Its unfair. Its the most selfish act a person can commit. Its devastating. It destroys families. No matter how someone behaves, they don’t deserve to be betrayed on this level. Its all true. But I have been able to recognize and admit to myself, that my husband’s affair (and I would think most) didn’t happen in a vacuum. He didn’t just wake up and decide he wanted to hurt me. It wasn’t premeditated. Which on some levels, does help me. He got to a point in our marriage where he gave up. He thought we were over. He got so filled with pain himself that he acted out. That doesn’t mean its my fault. Or that his actions are acceptable. I guess it means he’s human and fucked up.

The part that sucks, and most betrayed spouses get stuck on, is that I was in the same crappy marriage. I felt unloved and unfulfilled too. Except I didn’t cheat. While he was out meeting another woman, carrying on an affair, getting his emotional needs met, meeting her in SFO, then continuing to travel way too much – I was home. I was severely depressed. I was crying myself to sleep most nights. I was handling the stress of working full time, and being a single parent while he went off and played like a single man.

I was very bitter about that for a long time. A small part of me still is I suppose. What helps me is admitting that I did alot of damage to him while not really knowing it, or on some level caring. So I can see how he could behave in a similar way. Causing alot of pain. But not really seeing it, not really caring. Unable to see past his own hurt.

“The pain will not go away by getting angry or bitter, it will go away when you learn to accept life’s challenges with grace and ease”. – Leon Brown