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I am still in a funk today. My emotions are all over the place and running high. I’m scared. Sad. Angry. Grateful. Numb. Hopeful. Resentful. Stressed. In pain. Easily agitated. A little violent too. I want to punch or kick something. I want to break something.

Its utterly confusing and exhausting! And part of this damn process. I’m sick of the process. I want to drop kick the process and tell it to go to hell. But at the same time, I need the process. I need something to cling to. Something to give me guidance and hope. Something to let me know I will be ok. I will get through this and be a better person at the end. Happier. Peaceful. More secure. Find closure.

I don’t know if its the holidays coming up. My birthday is tomorrow too. Perhaps its what Christmas and a new year represent. A new beginning. A fresh start. A time to let go of the past and forge a new path. Time for forgiveness. Compassion. Generosity.

I’ve been doing alot of reading. That’s stirring the pot a little. Making me think of things I hadn’t yet, and bringing up things I had moved on from.  And of course, the triggers still coming up at times. Reigniting the pain and fear.

We’ve been talking about his business partner and his wife. She recently found out about his affair (if there was even only one). We talk about how they are handling their situation.

I have to travel for work at the end of January. Work conference. That’s bringing up some emotions for me too.

He met her on a work conference. Then for a year and half continued to go to conferences and take personal trips on a regular basis. He was gone at least one week out of each month. He was off, having fun, living the life of a single man with his partner in crime (his business partner). Not a care in the world. Just travelling, getting drunk and shirking his responsibilities. He hid behind his business. It was so easy for him to hide his actions. I didn’t have access to his phone records or bill, his credit card statements. None of it. Its all paid for by the business. They charged a private party cabana in Vegas to their business card. He could have easily hidden so much more (and probably did). He invited her to meet him in SFO. We know what happened there. All the while I sat at home. I juggled my full time job and being a single parent. I got to answer questions from friends and family as to why he was out of town so much. His business partner has a reputation for being a cheater and liar. With them spending so much time together, I got to hear the whispers and judgement from others. I got to see his reputation get tarnished a little from his choice of spending so much time with a known cheater. I know people started to make assumptions. And their assumptions were correct! I got to hear friends make passive aggressive comments on how my husband lives a rock star life. I got to take my daughter to birthday parties and family functions alone. I got to answer once more about where he was. And act like it wasn’t killing me. I had to put on a front. Make it seem like I was ok with it. I had a few people ask me if we were still together. Some people thought he had a girlfriend (he was spending alot of time with his female cousin and she was posting pictures on Facebook). The fact that people would make that assumption is telling. I would tell people the travel was necessary for his work. Except it wasn’t. I got to cry myself to sleep almost every night. I got to take care of our house, our daughter, our dog – our life and not even hear from him much while he was gone. Last summer I finally told him about my abortion. Instead of giving me compassion and understanding, he dove deeper into his affair. I think it was shortly after telling him about it that he met her in SFO. I got diagnosed with clinical depression and put on meds. I got to answer my daughter when she repeatedly asked why daddy was never home. I took her to the zoo. She saw a father and daughter together. My four year old said “See, some daddy’s do take their little girls to the zoo.” Her statement broke my heart and still makes me cry. He didn’t see that. The pain she and I were living. He didn’t see how we both felt left behind. Neglected. Ignored. Unimportant. Not even worth his time. And today, it pisses me off. I know that he was able to justify his actions based on how I treated him. But I didn’t deserve it. No matter what, I didn’t deserve the way he treated me. My daughter definitely didn’t deserve it. What could she have done to justify this treatment? This neglect? His actions were his choice.

He didn’t make good choices. In fact, he made shitty, horrible, disgusting choices for a long time. He put his needs above all else. He acted in the most selfish way a human can. He didn’t think of anyone but himself. He didn’t think of the implications his actions could have on his business. He definitely didn’t think about me and our daughter. He didn’t think about how his affair partner could be hurt (although I’m not too worried about her). He was after only one thing. Making himself feel better. Getting his ego stroked. Having someone pay attention to him and tell him how great he is. I know that while he was in the fog of his affair he didn’t see life clearly. He was able to justify his actions. After all, I mistreated him for 20 years. I am mature enough to admit it – I did mistreat him. I didn’t give him all of me. I held back. I kept a wall up. I never let myself be vulnerable, emotionally and physically. I was rarely interested in sex. We’d have periods that spanned months without sex. Without physical intimacy of any kind. Yeah, I was fucked up. I brought my pain from the abusive ex boyfriend and abortion into my marriage and took it out on him. It was wrong. And he didn’t deserve it.

I know that I won’t feel like I do today forever. I may even feel better in a few hours. I’m not going to apologize for, feel bad for or hide my emotions. Its where I am right now. I feel what I feel. I need to deal with what I feel. Deal with it so I can move on. I know that I will persevere. I am strong. I have lived through the worst of it. I am not a victim, I’m a survivor.

Storms make trees take deeper roots” – Dolly Parton