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Today is my 38th Birthday.  I can say my life is not where I ever imagined it would be right now. And that sucks. It hurts and its unfair. But that’s life, kids. Shit happens, right?

After a few days of feeling the negativity of my situation, I’m feeling better today. I got my emotions out. I got what was bothering me out. I am once again feeling more hopeful. More peaceful. I didn’t learn anything new. I didn’t develop a new coping tool. I just had to feel what I felt and let it out. Be heard. I guess be validated too.

I told my husband this morning that he’s a good person. A good person who really fucked up. And so am I. We are two good yet fucked up individuals. We are two very flawed people that have caused each other an intense amount of pain. Yet still can’t give up on each other.

So today, my birthday, Christmas Eve, with a new year around the corner and months of being scared to – I am committing to my marriage. I’m jumping in. I’m letting go of the edge. I am doing this fully aware that I may end up hurt, even more than I’ve been already. I am doing this knowing that I am taking a risk. That even though I’m committing, I still have healing and work to do. That I will never arrive at a destination in this journey. I will always be a work in progress, on my journey. And I’m ok with that.

So for my birthday, I’m giving myself some gifts. I’m giving myself the gift of self-forgiveness. I’m giving myself the gift of opening up again. I’m giving myself the gift of living again. Fully living. Appreciating life. I’m giving myself permission to feel what I feel when I feel – and not apologize for it. Not hide it. I am giving myself the gift of self confidence. I am beautiful, inside and out. I am giving myself the gift of self acceptance. I am flawed. I have done things I wish I hadn’t. But its who I am. I’m giving myself the gift of self respect. I know what I deserve and won’t settle for less.  I am giving myself the gift of self awareness. I’m giving myself the gifts of happiness, appreciation and gratitude.

My life is still blessed. I still have alot to be thankful for. I have my health. The health and love of my family. I have the most amazing, smart, funny, beautiful little girl who thinks the earth revolves around her mommy. I know she feels loved. And I help make her feel that way. She feels safe with me. She trusts me. She loves me. I have a husband that wants to start a new marriage with me. One that is based on love, honesty, acceptance, respect, friendship. I have a husband that saw that he could have something with someone else (in some ways possibly better for him) but he chooses me. I know some people can look at the negatively and sometimes I do. However, he knows for a fact someone else out there wants him. Loves him. They communicated better than he and I do. Mind you there are alot of reasons for all of that, but in the end his experience with her was nothing but pleasant. Our marriage brought him pain. Misery. Hate. Yet, he stands before me ready to commit to a new marriage with me. Not because he feels guilty or that he has to. Because he wants to. Because its me he loves, and always has.

So today December 24, 2014 I put it out there to the world that I am committing to my husband. I am committing to creating a new marriage. A better marriage. A new and better bond. I am scared as hell, but also very excited by the possibilities it brings. I am not going in blind. I am not going in believing the fairy tale. My prince doesn’t ride a white knight and my tiara is missing some diamonds. We are flawed. And that is better than perfection.

You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.