I find myself blogging less frequently. Sometimes its because I have nothing new to say. I’m still in pain. Still on a roller coaster ride. It is definitely getting better. More manageable. Sometimes I don’t blog because I’m actually focusing on the present and don’t really think about writing.
In my effort to practice an attitude of gratitude I look at the world a little different and appreciate what I do have.
Recently one of my husband’s employees wife was taken to the hospital. A few days later she was diagnosed with lung cancer. We don’t know any details on what stage the cancer is or what her prognosis looks like.
We went to a wedding on New Year’s Eve. An acquaintance of ours, a woman in her mid 30’s and mother of two year old twins, is battling breast cancer. She’s lost her hair to chemo. From what I hear, her cancer is aggressive.
My grandmother is actively dying. She needs a feeding tube and has refused. So she lays in a hospital bed waiting to die. I can’t even imagine what that’s like. She has had no quality of life for about 10 years now due to Parkinson’s. She’s been wheelchair bound. Her eyesight is almost gone. She can’t communicate due to the damage to her muscles from the disease. The only thing she had left was being able to drink and eat food. Now that’s gone. She has suffered for far too long.
My sister in law has faced more than her fair share of misery. Her first husband was an alcoholic, abusive and cheated on her (he got his mistress pregnant and got an STD). They had 3 boys. When she was pregnant with their third, a mass was found around her lungs. She had to have surgery while pregnant to remove the mass (which was benign). A portion of her diaphragm was removed and some left paralyzed so she’s had some issues from that since. After one especially bad night, she finally left her husband. She eventually got remarried. After a series of miscarriages, finally got pregnant. She lost the baby around 7 months and had to deliver him knowing he was already gone. Her husband has never been the same. He is a miserable person now. Almost impossible to be around. Over the summer she got her tubes tied. Due to some complications with that surgery and the paralyzed diaphragm from the previous surgery, she can’t breathe. Her organs are all in the wrong place. So she is having yet another surgery next month. A risky one. One that the doctors haven’t performed many times. She is freaking out to say the least. She thinks she is doing to die.
In all of these cases, these woman are in a painful situation. One where they are faced with death. Their own mortality. I can’t even imagine the fear they must have. The feelings of why them, that what they are facing isn’t fair.
In the wake of my husband’s affair I have felt like I was going to die. Felt like I wanted to die just to stop the pain. Asked why me. Felt like it just wasn’t fair. I didn’t deserve this. And all of that is true. But life isn’t fair. Bad things happen to good people. The only control we truly have is of how we act and react to what life throws at us.
I can say with 100% conviction, I’d rather face my husband’s affair than what any of these women are facing. I know I will survive his affair. Yes, I’ll have scars and I’m forever changed. But I don’t have the threat of death around the corner. I get to choose how I live the rest of my life. I get to choose a better, happier life for myself. I get to see my daughter grow up. I get to be a part of her life. A chance to make an impression on her. I get to start a fresh, new relationship with my husband. I don’t know what that looks like yet, but its an opportunity I have. A chance to create something new and better. I also have the opportunity to focus on myself. To find and do what gives me satisfaction, fulfillment, joy. I can invest in myself. Establish new hobbies, new friendships, new purpose.