I’m not a big New Year’s Resolution type person. The symbolism of the new year is great. But I feel like every day is an opportunity to make positive changes in my life.
In June last year I joined a gym and hired a personal trainer. I was going 5 days a week without fail. I was eating healthy meals. I was taking care of myself for the first time in years. During my marriage, I lost myself. I made my husband, then my daughter, more important than me. I stopped having hobbies and interests. I became depressed. The therapy I started last year helped me realize that its ok -and healthy and necessary- to take care of myself. I felt good exercising. I was sleeping better. I wasn’t losing much weight but I was toning up. I felt strong. I started to feel more confident. Slowly, but it was a start.
Then I found out about my husband’s affair. Nothing, including taking care of myself, seemed important. I didn’t have the energy or the will to go. It took everything I had to get through work each day and take care of my daughter. I stopped eating healthy. But hey, I lost 20 lbs that I couldn’t get off before – so there’s a silver lining. I know the progress I made in therapy before finding out about his affair (just happens to be that while I was in therapy is when he was in his affair) has helped me get through thus far.
Now, I’m refocusing on me. The key to my healing is within. The more I build my self esteem and confidence the less his affair affects me. The more I know how valuable I am the more clarity I have. There was a time in our marriage that I felt I couldn’t live without him. Now, I know I can. I don’t need him as my husband. I can live a completely happy, fulfilling life with our only relationship being co-parents. I know that I can live on my own. Sometimes I think that would be easier than working toward a future together. In alot of ways, I was a single parent for all of 2013 and most of 2014 while he was involved in his affair, traveling so much and generally not committed to our marriage. I’ve already lived without him in any way that mattered (love, partnership, friendship) and made it through just fine. Its freeing to know that I don’t need him. I want him as my husband but I don’t need him to be my husband.
2015 is the year my life gets better. I can’t change one thing from my past. I can’t predict the future and worrying about it only robs me of the present. The only thing I have is today. I choose to live each day to the best of my ability. I choose to focus on gratitude, positivity and what is good and to continue to work to push the negativity from my mind. I choose to focus on what I can change. I choose to focus on myself and do what makes me happy, fulfilled and confident. I choose to take care of myself again. I choose to put myself first. I choose to reengage with my friends and family. I’m also choosing to try one new experience (or further develop a skill) each month. I know that there will be days where the darkness and negativity and pain win. There will be days filled with anger. There will be days that I feel like giving up. I will simply forgive myself and do better the next day.