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This may sound strange but I’m about to rant about things that I hate. What’s strange is that I’m not worked up. I am angry about what my husband did. But I don’t have the physical symptoms I once did when thinking of these things, at least at this very moment. My heart isn’t racing. I don’t have the heaviness in my chest or the knot in my stomach. I’m not tense. I’m not clenching my teeth. I don’t feel the need to break or punch something. I have anger in me. But its not controlling me.

I am pissed. No doubt about it. I am still in alot of pain. But it doesn’t consume me as it once did. I’m not sure if its easing up or just easier to manage. Either way its a good thing I suppose.

I am grateful and love alot of things. But, at this very moment, I feel the need to get all this off my chest and out of my mind.

I hate that my husband had an affair. I hate that he invited another woman into our marriage. I hate that he lied to me. I hate that he lied to himself in order to convince himself that she was just a friend. I hate that he told himself our marriage was over and that was how he justified engaging in an affair, but yet did nothing to actually end our marriage. I hate that he betrayed me. I hate that he shattered my trust in him. I hate how his affair has affected me. I hate that I became obsessive. I hate that I can’t stop thinking about it. I hate that I compared myself to her. I hate that I have to go to therapy and do a ton of work to get over his affair. I hate that he compartmentalizes so well. I hate that he seems pretty unaffected by the whole damn thing. I hate that he invited her to San Francisco. I hate that he had sex with her. I hate that the last woman he had sex with in San Francisco is not me. I hate that he didn’t realize or care how his actions could harm me. I hate that he abandoned me and our daughter for a year and a half. I hate that I don’t believe I know the whole story. I hate that I’m sure there are things about him that she knows that I don’t. I hate the triggers. I hate that Las Vegas and San Francisco make me think of his affair. Work travel makes me think of his affair. His business partner makes me think of his affair. I hate that the thought of him traveling for work gives me anxiety. I hate how he was able to hide his deception behind his business. I hate that no matter what, he will always think of her in a positive light. I hate that he thinks she was a good friend to him. I hate that he isn’t devastated by what he’s done to me. I hate that he can’t feel my pain. I hate that she’s so screwed up she was willing to be his affair partner. I hate the feeling that no matter what, she will always have a little piece of him. I hate that she got that time with him and I didn’t. He hate that he gave up on me. On us. I hate that the email exchange I found between them haunts me. I hate this roller coaster of emotions I’m on. I hate that I was pushed onto it by him. I hate that I still give a shit. I hate that my instinct is to fight for our marriage and make this work. I hate that I don’t hate him. I hate absolutely everything about his affair. Most of all, I hate that I didn’t deserve any of this. I hate that I didn’t deserve to be treated this way. Yet I was. And here I am. Stuck dealing with the aftermath of decisions that affected me greatly, yet I was never given a vote.

Whew. That’s alot of shit to hate. And that’s not all of it. I gave the advice to someone the other day to let the anger out. Feel it. Express it. But don’t let it consume you. Its not easy. However, allowing hatred and anger to control you, only poisons you. This feels pretty good. I feel like I’ve taken another important step today. I was able to get all those feelings out. But I’m not emotional about it. I’m not upset. I am not angry. I don’t want to cry or act out. I’m not in a pissy mood.

These emotions are part of me right now. I own them. I accept them. Most importantly I don’t apologize for them.