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I am not in a good place tonight. My heart is heavy. I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. I’m nauseous. I’m afraid. I cried. I’m hurt. I’m angry. I can’t sleep. And I feel utterly and desperately alone. I even took a nice, long hot bubble bath to calm me. And do something for myself since I have so much on my mind.

This roller coaster of ups and downs. This dance of two steps forward and three steps back. It continues.

Despite my best efforts to not ask any questions this week, I asked one. I asked what dates my husband attended a conference in Nashville in June 2014. I can place both my husband and his affair partner in Nashville in June 2014. I made this discovery awhile back but I couldn’t get the exact dates she was there. I decided I didn’t have proof they were there at the same time, so I needed to let it go. Its an incredible coincidence and very suspicious, but not proof. So I stopped obsessing. But it was still there. Under the surface. A blinking red warning light. I now know for certain when she was there. I think I know when my husband was there, but don’t have proof yet. Last week I decided to throw out our 2014 calendar, which had the dates on it. I thought about saving that calendar for future reference. But I decided to move forward. So I threw the calendar out. It was purposeful. Calculated. A symbol of not needing to torture myself. An act of moving forward. Anyone that has walked in my shoes will know what a big deal it was for me to throw that calendar out. I was also making plans. Plans to finally start to make my house a home after being here for over a year. I was finally starting to feel like this was my home. The doubts on whether or not I was going to be living here in a month were fading. I was feeling more secure in the future of my marriage.

I was still suspicious about Nashville. Still questioned in my mind if they were there together. I’ve asked a few times if they were. His reply is always no. That he wasn’t aware that she was in Nashville and he did not see or talk to her while there. But he also assured me of alot of other stuff that I later found out wasn’t true. He denied knowing her at first. Then denied talking to her after meeting her in Vegas. Then denied seeing her again. Then denied having sex with her. Alot of denials and lies.

I was sick for about two weeks over the holidays. Since then, I’ve felt tired and run down. I’ve needed a nap every day. In addition to being exhausted, I’ve felt bloated, my boobs are heavy, full and tender. Plus I’ve had spells of nausea and getting light headed. I did start a new birth control pill about a month and a half ago, which is the likely culprit. But I still had the panic of wondering if I could be pregnant. I told my husband this and his response was that if I was pregnant he’d want a paternity test. Not the first time he’s made that comment either. While I don’t know if he was really serious, the comment pissed me off. Really? You fucking cheated on me and you have the audacity to say that? If I was pregnant, I wouldn’t hesitate to give him a paternity test.  I have not had sex with anyone but him in our entire 21 year relationship. I’ve remained loyal despite being just as unhappy as him. And he’s gonna tell me that he’d want a paternity test? FUCK YOU! You could have one. Plus a divorce. Seriously. That’s some bullshit I have no desire to be a part of.

So that set off a myriad of emotions. Mostly being hurt, which I felt as anger. I think it was this that set off my need to know about Nashville. So I asked him what dates he was there. He doesn’t know off the top of his head. He said he’d check and let me know. Then, not too long after, he said he wasn’t going to give me the dates. My homework from our therapist was for me to not ask questions about his affair. OK, fine. He also asked when this will end? When will the questions and doubt end? How about, it will end when I’m done grieving?!?! Grieving the fact that my husband cheated on me.  I went to him. Opened up. Was vulnerable. Communicated what was bothering me. Stuff he’s always wanted. His response was to get defensive and act like a dick. It made me feel like I should just not have opened up. That I should have just kept my mouth shut. Its what I used to do. Its what he says he hated about our relationship before.  So I do exactly what he’s wanted. Except he didn’t like what I had to say. So he responded with contempt and was defensive. Which, of course, adds to the feeling that he’s being dishonest. He did a really good job of turning the situation around on me. Making it about me. How I’m not moving forward. How we should just go our separate ways if this is how I’m gonna be. That I should just assume that any time he’s not with me, he’s with her. I went to my husband with a fear of mine. A logical fear. Not one based on emotion. I have facts to back up my suspicion. Instead of offering me understanding and patience – he was an asshole. Instead of using that moment as an opportunity to show me he cares, that he’s sorry for the pain he’s caused me and either tell me he was there with her or reassure me he wasn’t he acted like a dick. Instead of working to prove his innocence and put me at ease, he chose to spin it around and make it about me. His reaction felt familiar. It felt like when I first asked about who she is, what their relationship was. He was defensive. Made it seem like I was crazy for questioning him. How could I possibly even ask such questions? Even now, after all the lies, he seems a little shocked that I don’t always believe him.

His reaction and response has made me think. Wonder what the hell I’m doing. I’ve committed to my marriage. But I will not stay in a relationship that is defective. I won’t stay if I’m the only one doing the work. I won’t stay if it hurts me. I’m working so fucking hard to recover on a personal level. Plus, while I’m still bleeding from wounds he inflicted, I’m taking actions to show him I care. I’m putting aside my hurt and grief as best I can to meet his needs too. Its like he shot me then, while I’m bleeding out, I act to save his life.

I get that the more I ask questions the more it drives him away. I get that he let go of our marriage before he even met her (although did he really because he never left?). Here’s the thing. I haven’t asked alot of questions about his affair lately. I’m not bombarding him with questions on a regular basis. Other than therapy, we’ve barely talked about his affair. I asked one question and was met with a firing squad.

He said he’d want a paternity test if I as pregnant. So, he can be suspicious when I’ve done nothing to indicate I’m not trustworthy in that department? He can act that way yet after he has an affair I am pushing him away with questions and doubts? I’m not moving forward because I still question if he’s being honest? I’m never going to be over this because I am concerned about him and the woman he cheated on me with being in the same city at the same time? These are his thoughts. This is what he expressed to me. The fact that I haven’t even known she exists for a full 5 months yet doesn’t matter I suppose. The fact that I’m in an intense amount of pain and grieving doesn’t matter I suppose. Just his comfort level. As long I don’t ask any unpleasant questions we’re good. Well, that just doesn’t work for me. I understand why asking a ton of questions is not good. I understand how it keeps me stuck. The one question I asked is not me being stuck. Its not me being unwilling to move forward. Its not me being emotional. I could see his reaction if that’s what this scenario was. If it was me still asking why her, still asking specific details about how they met, what they talked about, what the sex was like. I’m done with that. Have been for awhile.

I’m afraid that my husband was there with her and is still lying to me. If he was there with her his whole story of his affair, how long it went on, that they ended it in November 2013 – all of it will be another lie. And if that is the case, I don’t think I can ever believe another word he says to me. Because I’ve BEGGED him to tell me if there was more to the story. I’ve repeatedly told him if there is more I’d rather here it from him. That if I find out more in the future I’m not going to be so understanding as I am now. I’ve asked point blank on many occasions where else he saw her. I asked point blank more than once if he saw her in Nashville. If all of his denials are just that – denials and lies – I seriously doubt our relationship can recover. It will prove my worst nightmare to be true. That he has still been lying. And if I have to find out by doing my own investigating instead of him coming clean – it adds fuel to the fire. Because all the lies I’ve ever caught him in, he at first denied. Then, once he realized I had proof – he couldn’t deny it any longer. I’m no longer willing to accept that from my husband. I demand honesty. I deserve it.

Part of my therapy is looking at situations and not making judgments. I ask where is the evidence, could there be an explanation and could there be any exceptions. In this case, they could very well have been there on the same dates with no knowledge that the other was there. I just don’t think I could – or even should- believe that if they were there on the same dates that they weren’t there together. In light of all the other betrayals, lies and deceit – I’d need some compelling evidence to the contrary. Based on my husband’s reaction to my question,I don’t think he’s willing to provide me the assurance I need. And quite frankly, deserve.

I saw a quote that fear is false evidence appearing true. I would love nothing more than to find out I’m wrong. To be given some kind of assurance that he was there alone. To see that my fears aren’t true. To know that the man I married – and decided to recommit to after an affair – is not still lying to me. To be able to put this question to rest and move forward. I want nothing more. I started to reinvest in my marriage. I started to think of our future. We started making plans – trips, changes to the house, etc. We’re a long way from being healed, but we were on our way. I don’t want to lose that now. I just can’t ignore this one piece of information. I need answers and I need to work through it. Therapy can’t some soon enough this week!