Say Something

Tags

adultery, affair, betrayed spouse, cheating, d-day, healing after affair, infidelity

My head is all over the place lately. Looking her up over the weekend brought about some renewed anxiety and questions. At the same time, I’ve got this new perspective. Some new light shining on the darkness.

The two hardest things for me right now are wondering if what he’s told me is the truth and getting over the fact that he had sex with her.

I do alot of “if, then” statements. If he was with her in Nashville, then I’m done. If his affair lasted longer than he said, I’m done. If he had sex with her more than once, I’m done. If he, then I. Lots of them. They all center around me finding out he hasn’t been completely honest with me, which is my biggest fear. Initially after his affair I found out details in chunks. Each time, I’d discover a little more of the story. And each time it was because I kept digging. He didn’t come to me with full disclosure. I went to him with irrefutable evidence. So it makes me wonder. If I don’t have proof that he did something, would he confess? History says no. That makes me VERY uncomfortable. That makes me have doubts. That makes me hesitant to go “all in”.

I actually fear that he hasn’t been honest about the details of his affair more than I fear that he’ll have another affair. His behavior during the time of his affair was out of character for him. Not the talking to a girl part. Not even getting her number. But calling her. Developing a relationship with her. Inviting her to meet him in SFO. Going to her room and fucking her. And keeping it all a secret. He led a double life. Recently Life.After.Affair talked about her fear. She fears that her husband is truly the cheater she recently met and not the man she’s known. Not the man she loves. I doubt he’s the cheater but I understand her fear. I actually don’t have that fear. I never did, even after finding out. I’ve known my husband since we were 15. We’ve been together for almost 22 years. He’s not a cheater at his core. I know serial cheaters. My husband isn’t one. Unfortunately, he chose to spend most of his time with a serial cheater during 2013 and half of 2014. Which I believe contributed to his affair. Our relationship was in the shitter and he was hanging out with someone that didn’t honor the sanctity of marriage. This serial cheater is my husband’s business partner. They spent their work day together. Traveled a ton together. Then hung out and did personal travel together too. That doesn’t absolve my husband from his sins in any way. I just know that when you spend a lot of time with someone, you can take on their behavior – good or bad. I have a friend that is very sarcastic and puts herself down alot. I spent almost every day with her (she lived across the street). I found myself doing the same thing as her. Since we’ve both moved and don’t see each other as much (and the work I’m doing on my confidence) I see how destructive that behavior is.

The sex. I’m not as hung up on the details as I once was. It boils down to the fact that my husband had sex with another woman. While married to me. And that just wasn’t supposed to happen. And it hurts like hell.

So. My husband lost himself for awhile. He became someone that neither of us recognized. Respected. Or even liked.  In many ways, I feel like pre-affair husband is returning. I can see changes in him. I’m watching his actions. He is doing things to help build trust. When we were at that party over the weekend he spent much more time with me than he would have in the past. Usually he’d take me to a party only to barely talk with me the whole night. But this time, he recognized that I really didn’t know anyone. He recognized it was all females and I may be uncomfortable with him putting all his attention on them. He recognized that I told him that I go with him to functions for us to spend time together, not to be ignored. So he stayed close. He heard me and changed his behavior. When I’m upset he doesn’t get defensive anymore. He may be thinking this is never gonna end, but he just hugs me and lets me cry and vent. We’re starting to crack the surface of getting to his vulnerability. When deciding what to do about this pregnancy his attitude was that he just wanted what was best for me. Our therapist was able to dig deeper. She was able to get him to open up. His fear about this pregnancy is that either way (abort or have), this will be the end of our marriage.

He did the wrong thing every day for a year and a half. He did the selfish thing. The dishonest thing. But we have a 22 year history. And there are countless days that he did the right thing. For a chunk of our history, I didn’t see the things he was doing. Mind you, his delivery and methods didn’t speak to me so I wasn’t able to recognize them. But he’s done a lot of great things for me. His true self isn’t the cheater. His true self is a man that tried to get through my wall for so long. And I wouldn’t let him. And he broke. It doesn’t make his affair acceptable. Or justified. Just life I suppose.

When the song “Say Something” came out, he told me its how he felt about me. It was on the radio yesterday. I’ve heard the song hundreds of times. But yesterday, I really focused on the words. Something new clicked for me. For the first time I really felt the pain in this song. I am the one he loves. And he couldn’t get to me.

Setbacks, Gains and Realizations

Tags

adultery, affair, betrayed spouse, cheating, d-day, healing after affair, infidelity

Kinda reminds me of Planes, Trains and Automobiles. Such a funny and classic movie.

Not sure if it was the pregnancy hormones. The stress of this unplanned pregnancy. Especially so soon after learning of his affair. Could be that we went to a party over the weekend. It was for my husband’s trainer that is leaving. My husband does a class at the gym that is all females and him, led by a trainer. I think what set me off, was that one of the girls reminded me of her. I can’t quite place what it was, but she looks just enough like her that it became a trigger for me.

Who knows – but I had a “setback” over the weekend. I looked her up online. I haven’t done that in a long time. Surprisingly, I found some new stuff. Nothing earth shattering. I found a few Instagram posts that fueled my doubts.

Nothing I found is “proof” of anything. It just adds more doubt that he’s not been honest with me about his affair. Its more circumstantial evidence. It also hurts to see her face and know that he touched her. Kissed her. Was naked with her. Fucked her. I think that’s really at the root of it all.

There is nothing he can really say to prove to me that he’s been truthful about the details of his affair. I’ve contemplated asking to go through his phone records, credit card bills, etc. Early on, he offered those things to me. I haven’t done it because I know it won’t satisfy my doubt. Its not really about proving he’s lying or being honest. Its the fact that I simply don’t trust him. I simply don’t believe him. I’ve realized that I need time and he needs to do the work to earn my trust again. Which, he has been doing. He’s told me things that I wouldn’t have known about had he not told me. Nothing big or life changing. But things that in the past he would have just done and not told me about.

I see this scenario playing out one of three ways:

1. I will, at some point, believe him. I will get  the information I need that proves he’s telling the truth. It will finally click.

2. I will, at some point, come to a place that I probably don’t believe him, but the details aren’t important anymore. That I can move forward without caring so much if he’s been honest about the details. I will focus on today. Here and now. What he’s doing and how he’s acting in the present will be what I care most about.

3. I will, at some point, not believe him and not be able to move forward. In this case, it will be time for me to leave the marriage.

My gut feeling is that number 2 will happen. I just don’t see me ever really getting to a place of believing his story as fully true. Not after all the lies and deceit. I do see where it becomes less important. Or perhaps, I hope that I will get there. From therapy and blogs I’ve read, I do know that the more I work on myself – the less I will care about his affair and if he’s told me the truth.

My hesitation to believe him is normal considering the circumstances. He lied. To my face. Repeatedly. He sat and looked me in the eyes and told me he never saw her more than when he met her in Vegas. He sat and looked me in the eyes and told me he didn’t have sex with her. He told me all contact ended in November 2013. None of which was true, nor a complete list of the lies he told. Of course I’m hesitant to believe that he’s told me everything. The only times he confessed was when I had undeniable evidence.

I did gain something positive from this setback (so is it truly a setback?). One thing that haunts me is the email I saw. She told him she loves him and called him “boo”. Based on what she’s put on Instagram, she apparently calls all her friends boo and tells them she loves them. She had a post a few weeks ago with a guy, arm and arm, with a caption that he was her “new bff” (she referred to my husband as her bff in a tweet once).  I realized that she throws words out to people that I reserve for very few. I don’t tell many people I love them. She tells just about everyone. My husband and I used to have pet names for each other. Again, I reserve that for very few. She calls just about everyone boo. It put me a little at ease. I was gauging my personality and behavior and placing my perceptions on her actions. If she called him boo and said she loves him – then she was madly in love with him. And he must have acted in a way to make her feel that way. I’m realizing that my perception may not be reality (my therapist will be so proud!).

I laugh a little because I sometimes think about what his life would be like if he chose to pursue a future with her (which he said was never something he wanted or thought about – he wanted a friend and only thought of her that way). I sometimes think about it though. I don’t think he realizes what a bullet he dodged. Now, I don’t know her but based on what she puts out on social media I have some assumptions of who she really is. She is obsessed with taking selfies. She is immature. She is the annoying girl that you see out that does the “EEEEEEEE” when she sees someone she knows. She actually types that shit out on social media. I also think she has some serious issues. Obviously, if she is willing to be the other woman, she does. But even more than that. I think she is so starved for attention, or a connection, or validation, or something – that she latches on to whoever pays her any attention. She immediately clings to people. She only knew my husband a very short time before referring to him as her bff. The reason my husband “chose” her is because she paid attention to him. She talked to him. That’s it. Perhaps, she allowed herself to be used by my husband because he was the only one paying attention to her. I stalked her when I first found out about his affair I found her pinterest page. She had alot of quotes, etc on there. She also had a pillow in the shape of our home state pinned and a necklace in the shape of the lake we live near pinned. In two of the Instagram photos I found over the weekend, she’s wearing a Raiders sweatshirt. My husband is a Raiders fan. He told me she likes football, but not the Raiders. I know. I stalked her. I know she’s a college football fan and likes Oregon. So why the Raiders sweatshirt? I do question (and asked him) if they went to a Raiders game together. After all, she lives close enough to SFO and Oakland (she met him there before). He’s been to SFO and Raiders games without me since meeting her and had opportunity. I wonder if she bought it while at a game together. He says no, they didn’t go to a game together. To his credit, he validates my fear but doesn’t put alot of energy into her or trying to figure her out. Easier for him than me of course. She seems like the kind of person that morphs into the personality of whoever she’s with or spending time with. I don’t think she has a genuine personality. I think she’s the type of girl that just goes along with the crowd. She strikes me as having “daddy issues”. Attention seeker. Needs validation from all external sources (hence the selfies on social media so people will pay attention to her). Low self esteem. Low self confidence but fakes it by acting like an outgoing party girl. She definitely drowns her sorrows in alcohol. She is lonely, which contributes to why she clings so tightly to anyone that pays attention to her. She never would have caught his attention if he wasn’t at such a low point in his life.

The good part of this – is that I made some realizations. I’ve used some new tools I’ve learned to look at things from a different perspective. I’m not comparing myself to her – and haven’t for some time. I’ve simply seen things from a different light. She’s a damaged person. In some ways I feel sorry for her. She allowed herself to be used. She thought she had a real connection with my husband. Perhaps they did have one, at least for a little while. But in the end – she wasn’t what he wants. Even if he and I aren’t together. He hid her and his relationship with her. Like the dirty secret it was. Yes, he lied to me. He broke my heart. He hurt me so deeply that I am forever changed. But at the end of the day, I’m the only one in this scenario that can go to sleep with a clear conscious. I’m the only one that didn’t cheat. I’m the one that kept my promise to forsake all others. I’m the only one that did the right thing when nobody was looking. My therapist told me once that I’m a better person than her. And I am. I never took advantage of another person’s pain and used it for my own gain. I never engaged in an inappropriate relationship with a man that was taken. In fact, I never engaged in an inappropriate relationship with anyone.

I definitely have my faults and my issues. And for many years, I was not emotionally available to my husband. He didn’t know my past and therefore, didn’t really know me completely. I never let him all the way in. I caused him an intense amount of pain, for many years. It caused him emotional damage. That’s my cross to bear. My regret that I live with.

I worry sometimes that they shared something special. Something that I will never be a part of. If hiding and lying and hurting others that you say you care about is special, then I don’t want any part of it. If a relationship based on pain and deceit and betrayal is special, I’ll pass. I’d rather be alone.

Another positive, is that I’m getting to a place that if he did want a future with her (or anyone else) I know I’ll be ok. Yes, it will be painful and I will hurt. But if that’s what he wants – go for it. If you think the grass is greener then go. Go check that out. Go see what that grass is really all about. There was a time where I would have begged him to stay. I would have done anything he asked. I’m in a healthier place now. I have more self confidence and know my worth more. I know that I am beautiful, inside and out. I know that I am smart, funny, loving and loyal. If he doesn’t want me that doesn’t mean I’m any less valuable. It just means he’s blind and stupid and can’t see a valuable asset when its right in front of him. And that’s his loss.

So, what started out feeling like a setback – is now feeling more like a gain. I’ve gained new insight. A new way of thinking. I’ve gained more self confidence. And realized how brave I am.

A woman who opens her heart to love you, when its already broken, is braver than any person you’ll meet.  Steven Benson

A Decision

Tags

adultery, affair, betrayed spouse, cheating, d-day, healing after affair, infidelity

So, we’ve made a decision about the baby. After talking with my personal therapist and our couples therapist and each other at length, we’ve decided to have the baby. I’m still not excited about it. Still isn’t what I want. I still have fears.

My fears are that I will learn that his affair was more than he’s admitted. That he saw her more than he said. Had sex more than once. That he had feelings for her that went beyond friendship. That it didn’t end when he said it did. That we will go back into old patterns of behavior. That I will resent him. That we’ll get too busy and not make time for our marriage.

My fears are the same with either choice. So, I can’t really use my fears as a guide in decision making. I read a quote that said “Don’t make permanent decision based on temporary fears.” It resonated with me.

So, not ideal. Not perfect, but what is? I’m having a baby at 38. Five months after learning of his affair. Oh, and my due date is two years almost to the day of when he had sex with her. That hurts. A little salt in the wound. But, I can choose how I view this. This date can be about pain and sorrow and the past. Or this date can be about re-birth and new life (literally and figuratively). A better future. A future with love and compassion. A future with forgiveness and acceptance. A future with honesty and communication.

A New Reality

Tags

adultery, affair, betrayed spouse, cheating, d-day, healing after affair, infidelity

This week, my therapist told me you never really “get over” an affair. She equated an affair to a death. In many ways, it is. Its the death of your marriage as you knew it. Its the death of the illusions you had about your spouse. Its the death of the hopes and dreams you had. Its the death of the future you planned. Its the death of your naivety that you would never be betrayed in such a way.

Its a death. That’s why it hurts so bad. That’s why its so hard to move on.  You don’t really ever get over losing your loved one. You just learn how to live without them. You learn to live in a new reality. After an affair, its the same. You don’t get over the fact that your spouse betrayed you and turned to another person. You simply learn to live with that knowledge. You can choose what that life looks like. You can make changes. You can have a stronger, more connected marriage. Or you can move on without your spouse. You can love again. You can even trust again. But it will always be with your new knowledge. Your new reality.

This new reality sucks. My new reality is that my husband hurt me more than anyone else on this earth ever has – including the boyfriend that beat me. My new reality is that my husband isn’t the man I made him out to be. I thought he was the man that would protect me from danger, not lead me to it. I thought he was the man that would never cheat. That he would walk away and divorce me before turning to another woman. I basically told him that our entire relationship. “Don’t cheat on me. Leave me first”. I said it a million times. I thought he was more honest. I thought he was less selfish. My new reality shows me my husband is imperfect. Flawed. Human. My new reality shows me that I never really had the security I thought I did. That it was an illusion. If I never had it, did I really lose anything?

My new reality shows me I’m stronger than I’ve ever given myself credit for. That I’m capable of more than I’ve ever given myself credit for. That I’m worth more than I’ve given myself credit for.

Even before my therapist told me I’ll never get over his affair, I knew it. I bought a book a few weeks back titled “How To Get Past What You’ll Never Get Over”. I’m not a religious person, but I do believe in God. There are alot of references to God and Jesus. Take them or leave them, there is still alot of good tips in the book. I’ve highlighted a few that stick out to me.

Recognize the reality of your brokenness. Accept the reality that your life will never be the same as it was before your painful experience happened. Rather than worrying about trying to become finished and perfect in this life, working through you to help you grow.

Be authentic and transparent. Don’t waste time or energy trying to hide, pretend, or cover up your suffering, in the face of pressure from other people to present a certain type of appearance.

Stop trying to change the past. Accept the reality that what’s done is done, so you can’t change the past or undo the damage from it. However, you can decide to live as well as possible despite your losses and pain, and you also can move forward into a new and better reality.

Take baby steps toward a new reality. Start where you are to move forward into a more abundant life – one in which you do your best to live every day to the fullest. Enlist the support and encouragement of people who love you and want to help you live a better life from here on.

Overcome your fear. If you wait to start living a fuller life until after your fear is gone, you’ll never take the risks to take to enjoy that better life. So face your fear, and in the process of doing whatever you’re afraid of, you’ll learn how to get past it. In the future, you may still feel afraid, but the fear you feel will no longer limit your life. You can live an adventurous life filled with exciting growth and change, despite fear.

Express your anger so it doesn’t control you. The suffering you endure from the injustices in our fallen world can rightly make you feel angry. But you need to be careful how you respond to the anger you feel. If you respond in destructive ways, your anger can break relationships, damage your health, distort your perspective of reality, and hold you back from living in freedom. However, if you respond to your anger by confessing it (honestly acknowledging your situation and the emotion of anger that you feel), you understand what made you feel angry and explore your options for resolving the underlying issues.

Forgive those who have hurt you so bitterness won’t poison your soul. If you refuse to forgive the people who have hurt you, bitterness will take root in soul and poison it, distorting your thinking and blocking your ability to give and receive love.

Share healing stories with others. Talk with people about what has helped you move beyond the struggles to healing, listen to their stories, and encourage each other to keep changing and growing as you move forward.

Just when you think it can’t get worse…

Tags

adultery, affair, betrayed spouse, cheating, d-day, healing after affair, infidelity

So, I definitely thought my life was at all time complicated, shit storm high. Can’t get worse than my husband having an affair, right? Wrong.

I’m pregnant. And I definitely don’t want to be. I was done. Like, sold all my baby shit done. Got on the pill done.

We had unprotected sex for 10 years. The only pregnancy in that time was one, my daughter, from an IUI. We had 3 more IUI’s – no pregnancies. In those 10 years, I tracked ovulation, timed sex. Had every test available done to see why we weren’t getting pregnant. Unexplained infertility. I thought I didn’t need to worry about birth control. But, I still went on the pill after learning of his affair. I definitely didn’t want an oops baby, especially now!

Yet here I am. 38 years old. My marriage struggling in the after shock of an affair. Unsure of what tomorrow will bring for me and my daughter, let alone another child.

I couldn’t get pregnant while using no protection. I get pregnant while on the pill.

This feels like a cruel joke!

I’ve been happy with my one child. I’ve been at peace with it.

I don’t want sleepless nights. I don’t want bottles and diapers. I don’t want any of it.

Its not only about where my marriage is. I just simply don’t want another child. And I took the proper measures to prevent it.

I’m really struggling trying to figure out what to do. I have lots of reasons for not having the baby. My reason for keeping the baby is simply that I don’t know how I would handle an abortion. Will I regret it? Will I feel shame and guilt? Would the experience destroy me like it did when I was 15. I’m trying to find a solution that I can live with the most. The fact that I had an abortion at 15 weighs heavily on me. I don’t take the option lightly. At 15, I wasn’t given a choice. I didn’t get the help I needed for both the abortion and the damage from being in an abusive relationship. And I paid a high price for it. Now, I’m an adult. Its 100% my choice. I have to live with the fact that it would have been my choice to abort. My choice to terminate the life of my baby. I know that now I could and would get the help and support I would need. But I could still live to regret the decision.

Could I love this baby? Yes. Could it bring me joy? Yes. Could I resent the hell out of this baby or my husband if I have it? Yes. Could my marriage fall apart under the stress of another child? Yes. Babies don’t solve problems, but could this be a fresh start for us? Yes. Could we do better “this time around” than we did with our daughter? Yes. Could I have an abortion and be at peace with that decision? Yes. Could I have an abortion and be devastated and regret it? Yes. Could I give this baby to a family that so desperately wants one? Yes. Could I regret it? Yes.

There is no clear cut easy answer. No crystal ball to consult. I can only make a decision based on what I feel is best for me and my family. Trouble is, what is best for me today may not always be what’s best for me. I’m in a very emotional and vulnerable stage in my life. Still recovering from the revelation that my husband had an affair. I’m still trying to piece myself back together and heal from that devastating pain. I question my capacity to work on my own healing while caring for a newborn. I question how I will cope with an abortion on top of the pain of his affair.

I’m feeling even more isolated and alone right now.

I sometimes seriously wonder why I was born. Surely not to suffer. Surely not to be placed in impossible situations. Surely not to make such difficult and life altering decisions.

Mindset and Control

Tags

adultery, affair, betrayed spouse, cheating, d-day, healing after affair, infidelity

Most of my recovery work has been centered on me. At first it seemed foreign to me. Shouldn’t I be focused on him? His nasty deeds? His lies? His betrayal? If we aren’t focusing on him and how he fucked up doesn’t that mean he gets away with having an affair? Where is his accountability?

I still have moments of doubt about this process, but I try to trust it. I try to trust my therapist. She’s promised she has my best interest at heart. She wants to see me thrive again. She’s said she won’t ask me to do anything that isn’t going to help me heal. I know my husband wants to see me thrive again. He said he’s watched me live in pain for 20 years and wants to see me happy. Most importantly, I want to thrive again. I want to be at peace. Happy. It sucks that it took over 20 years to get here. It sucks that because my husband didn’t know the source of my pain he internalized it. It sucks that he gave up on us and had an affair. It all sucks. Its all unfair.

My self esteem has sucked since I was 15. Being in an abusive relationship will do that to a girl. The best parts of me died in that relationship. Before that experience I was very confident. I played sports. Was captain of my cheerleading squad. Was very social. My friends were jealous of me – and told me as much all the time. They said every guy liked me. Wanted to date me. I didn’t feel that I was the prettiest girl in my class but I was confident. Outgoing. Up for a good time. I was hit on alot. Asked out alot. I had alot of things going for me. I was also cheated on alot because I wouldn’t have sex. It never really bothered me though. I just moved on to the next guy without much thought. Their loss. It didn’t shake my confidence. I also wasn’t very invested in them. I was young. I wasn’t in love. So I rolled with the punches. I knew I’d be ok.

I want to be that girl again. Carefree. Confident. Fun. She’s starting to shine through. A little more of her steps out of the shadows each day. She grows as I do. As I gain confidence. She’s changed a little. Grown up. She’s more aware. Less naive. Not such bad things.

Its very difficult to break down a wall that was constructed over 20 years ago. Especially now, after my husband’s affair could easily add more bricks and mortar if I let it. I think that’s the biggest lesson here. It can only destroy me if I let it. I create my own life. I have the power to make it whatever I want. And I want spectacular. I want fun. Adventure. Romance. Passion. Respect. Love. Acceptance.

I’ve been working on changing my mindset. Thinking more positively. This is the key to my healing.

One small negative thought can turn into a huge speeding ball of ugliness. You get sucked down. The longer you stay there, the harder it is to get out. The longer you are in the dark, the more sensitive you are to light.

Some great tips I’ve learned about changing mindset:

*Meditate and/or practice Yoga – I’ve found Yoga to be relaxing and calming. Good things!

*Smile – it takes fewer muscles to smile than it does to frown. Plus you feel good smiling.

*Surround yourself with positive people – I started to weed negative people from my life. They really can bring you down with them. Both negativity and positivity are contagious. put the right people in your life.

*Don’t be a victim – Whew. I was a victim for 20 years. It sucks. You feel like you have no control over your life. Stop being a victim. Realize you own your life. You own your thoughts and your decisions. Take responsibility for yourself. Make it what you want!

*Remember that no one is perfect – Not you. Not your spouse. Not your parents. Not your kids. Forgive yourself for your own mistakes. Forgive others for theirs when you are ready. Then let yourself move forward.

*Practice Gratitude – I’ve said before that starting a gratitude journal was a life saver for me. In the early, very dark days after discovery finding one thing each day was hard. But I did it. I realized that I still had alot of good in my life. My husband’s affair didn’t take everything from me.

*Read positive quotes – I do this all the time. I have several hundred saved on my phone. I read them frequently for inspiration and reminders. I like http://www.livelifehappy.com.

*Sing/Dance – I love music. My daughter and I dance and sing alot. It really does take your mind off of things, even if for a few minutes. Choose songs that are uplifting.

*Embrace change –  Change happens. At work. With your family. Everywhere. Usually without our consent. Things change. The people that fight the change are usually the ones left behind. Embrace it. Accept it for what it is. Move with change instead of against it.

*Believe in the possibility of a bright future – Life may suck today. But it won’t always be that way. If your car gets a flat tire – do you think your car will never move again? We need some work. Some repairs. But we will move again. Perhaps better than before.

*Re-Wire your brain – with practice and consistency you can actually rewire your brain to think more positively. When you find yourself in a cycle of worry and/or compulsive thinking (ruminating) find a way to stop yourself. I’ve done all the tips you can find online. I’ve imagined a stop sign. I’ve worn a rubber band and snapped it when I think negatively. I’ve talked to myself (out loud and in my head). The first step is to stop the negative thought. Then you need to focus on something more positive. Think of something good about you. Think of a more positive way to see your negative thought. Re-think it. Then take action. Do something uplifting. Get up and walk around. Look out the window and enjoy nature. Call a friend just to connect with someone.

Here is an example: Today, my husband hasn’t contacted me much. I know he’s got a lot on his plate and is busy. I did have the thought that I bet he made time for her when he was busy. I bet she didn’t have to wait for him to return a text or email. I bet he answered every time she called him. I bet he contacted her when he was busy even if she hadn’t reached out to him that day. Then I stopped myself. Rather than get sucked into the negativity of my pain – I spent some time learning tips to change my mindset. I took the focus off of him and her and put it on me. I researched tips on changing mindset. I looked up positive quotes. I took a lunch break and talked with my co-workers. Putting positive attention on me is much more constructive. It doesn’t make what he did acceptable. It just means that my mental health is more important than what he has done and may do. After all, I have no control over his actions. I do, however, have control over mine.