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So, I definitely thought my life was at all time complicated, shit storm high. Can’t get worse than my husband having an affair, right? Wrong.

I’m pregnant. And I definitely don’t want to be. I was done. Like, sold all my baby shit done. Got on the pill done.

We had unprotected sex for 10 years. The only pregnancy in that time was one, my daughter, from an IUI. We had 3 more IUI’s – no pregnancies. In those 10 years, I tracked ovulation, timed sex. Had every test available done to see why we weren’t getting pregnant. Unexplained infertility. I thought I didn’t need to worry about birth control. But, I still went on the pill after learning of his affair. I definitely didn’t want an oops baby, especially now!

Yet here I am. 38 years old. My marriage struggling in the after shock of an affair. Unsure of what tomorrow will bring for me and my daughter, let alone another child.

I couldn’t get pregnant while using no protection. I get pregnant while on the pill.

This feels like a cruel joke!

I’ve been happy with my one child. I’ve been at peace with it.

I don’t want sleepless nights. I don’t want bottles and diapers. I don’t want any of it.

Its not only about where my marriage is. I just simply don’t want another child. And I took the proper measures to prevent it.

I’m really struggling trying to figure out what to do. I have lots of reasons for not having the baby. My reason for keeping the baby is simply that I don’t know how I would handle an abortion. Will I regret it? Will I feel shame and guilt? Would the experience destroy me like it did when I was 15. I’m trying to find a solution that I can live with the most. The fact that I had an abortion at 15 weighs heavily on me. I don’t take the option lightly. At 15, I wasn’t given a choice. I didn’t get the help I needed for both the abortion and the damage from being in an abusive relationship. And I paid a high price for it. Now, I’m an adult. Its 100% my choice. I have to live with the fact that it would have been my choice to abort. My choice to terminate the life of my baby. I know that now I could and would get the help and support I would need. But I could still live to regret the decision.

Could I love this baby? Yes. Could it bring me joy? Yes. Could I resent the hell out of this baby or my husband if I have it? Yes. Could my marriage fall apart under the stress of another child? Yes. Babies don’t solve problems, but could this be a fresh start for us? Yes. Could we do better “this time around” than we did with our daughter? Yes. Could I have an abortion and be at peace with that decision? Yes. Could I have an abortion and be devastated and regret it? Yes. Could I give this baby to a family that so desperately wants one? Yes. Could I regret it? Yes.

There is no clear cut easy answer. No crystal ball to consult. I can only make a decision based on what I feel is best for me and my family. Trouble is, what is best for me today may not always be what’s best for me. I’m in a very emotional and vulnerable stage in my life. Still recovering from the revelation that my husband had an affair. I’m still trying to piece myself back together and heal from that devastating pain. I question my capacity to work on my own healing while caring for a newborn. I question how I will cope with an abortion on top of the pain of his affair.

I’m feeling even more isolated and alone right now.

I sometimes seriously wonder why I was born. Surely not to suffer. Surely not to be placed in impossible situations. Surely not to make such difficult and life altering decisions.