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So, we’ve made a decision about the baby. After talking with my personal therapist and our couples therapist and each other at length, we’ve decided to have the baby. I’m still not excited about it. Still isn’t what I want. I still have fears.

My fears are that I will learn that his affair was more than he’s admitted. That he saw her more than he said. Had sex more than once. That he had feelings for her that went beyond friendship. That it didn’t end when he said it did. That we will go back into old patterns of behavior. That I will resent him. That we’ll get too busy and not make time for our marriage.

My fears are the same with either choice. So, I can’t really use my fears as a guide in decision making. I read a quote that said “Don’t make permanent decision based on temporary fears.” It resonated with me.

So, not ideal. Not perfect, but what is? I’m having a baby at 38. Five months after learning of his affair. Oh, and my due date is two years almost to the day of when he had sex with her. That hurts. A little salt in the wound. But, I can choose how I view this. This date can be about pain and sorrow and the past. Or this date can be about re-birth and new life (literally and figuratively). A better future. A future with love and compassion. A future with forgiveness and acceptance. A future with honesty and communication.