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Kinda reminds me of Planes, Trains and Automobiles. Such a funny and classic movie.

Not sure if it was the pregnancy hormones. The stress of this unplanned pregnancy. Especially so soon after learning of his affair. Could be that we went to a party over the weekend. It was for my husband’s trainer that is leaving. My husband does a class at the gym that is all females and him, led by a trainer. I think what set me off, was that one of the girls reminded me of her. I can’t quite place what it was, but she looks just enough like her that it became a trigger for me.

Who knows – but I had a “setback” over the weekend. I looked her up online. I haven’t done that in a long time. Surprisingly, I found some new stuff. Nothing earth shattering. I found a few Instagram posts that fueled my doubts.

Nothing I found is “proof” of anything. It just adds more doubt that he’s not been honest with me about his affair. Its more circumstantial evidence. It also hurts to see her face and know that he touched her. Kissed her. Was naked with her. Fucked her. I think that’s really at the root of it all.

There is nothing he can really say to prove to me that he’s been truthful about the details of his affair. I’ve contemplated asking to go through his phone records, credit card bills, etc. Early on, he offered those things to me. I haven’t done it because I know it won’t satisfy my doubt. Its not really about proving he’s lying or being honest. Its the fact that I simply don’t trust him. I simply don’t believe him. I’ve realized that I need time and he needs to do the work to earn my trust again. Which, he has been doing. He’s told me things that I wouldn’t have known about had he not told me. Nothing big or life changing. But things that in the past he would have just done and not told me about.

I see this scenario playing out one of three ways:

1. I will, at some point, believe him. I will get  the information I need that proves he’s telling the truth. It will finally click.

2. I will, at some point, come to a place that I probably don’t believe him, but the details aren’t important anymore. That I can move forward without caring so much if he’s been honest about the details. I will focus on today. Here and now. What he’s doing and how he’s acting in the present will be what I care most about.

3. I will, at some point, not believe him and not be able to move forward. In this case, it will be time for me to leave the marriage.

My gut feeling is that number 2 will happen. I just don’t see me ever really getting to a place of believing his story as fully true. Not after all the lies and deceit. I do see where it becomes less important. Or perhaps, I hope that I will get there. From therapy and blogs I’ve read, I do know that the more I work on myself – the less I will care about his affair and if he’s told me the truth.

My hesitation to believe him is normal considering the circumstances. He lied. To my face. Repeatedly. He sat and looked me in the eyes and told me he never saw her more than when he met her in Vegas. He sat and looked me in the eyes and told me he didn’t have sex with her. He told me all contact ended in November 2013. None of which was true, nor a complete list of the lies he told. Of course I’m hesitant to believe that he’s told me everything. The only times he confessed was when I had undeniable evidence.

I did gain something positive from this setback (so is it truly a setback?). One thing that haunts me is the email I saw. She told him she loves him and called him “boo”. Based on what she’s put on Instagram, she apparently calls all her friends boo and tells them she loves them. She had a post a few weeks ago with a guy, arm and arm, with a caption that he was her “new bff” (she referred to my husband as her bff in a tweet once).  I realized that she throws words out to people that I reserve for very few. I don’t tell many people I love them. She tells just about everyone. My husband and I used to have pet names for each other. Again, I reserve that for very few. She calls just about everyone boo. It put me a little at ease. I was gauging my personality and behavior and placing my perceptions on her actions. If she called him boo and said she loves him – then she was madly in love with him. And he must have acted in a way to make her feel that way. I’m realizing that my perception may not be reality (my therapist will be so proud!).

I laugh a little because I sometimes think about what his life would be like if he chose to pursue a future with her (which he said was never something he wanted or thought about – he wanted a friend and only thought of her that way). I sometimes think about it though. I don’t think he realizes what a bullet he dodged. Now, I don’t know her but based on what she puts out on social media I have some assumptions of who she really is. She is obsessed with taking selfies. She is immature. She is the annoying girl that you see out that does the “EEEEEEEE” when she sees someone she knows. She actually types that shit out on social media. I also think she has some serious issues. Obviously, if she is willing to be the other woman, she does. But even more than that. I think she is so starved for attention, or a connection, or validation, or something – that she latches on to whoever pays her any attention. She immediately clings to people. She only knew my husband a very short time before referring to him as her bff. The reason my husband “chose” her is because she paid attention to him. She talked to him. That’s it. Perhaps, she allowed herself to be used by my husband because he was the only one paying attention to her. I stalked her when I first found out about his affair I found her pinterest page. She had alot of quotes, etc on there. She also had a pillow in the shape of our home state pinned and a necklace in the shape of the lake we live near pinned. In two of the Instagram photos I found over the weekend, she’s wearing a Raiders sweatshirt. My husband is a Raiders fan. He told me she likes football, but not the Raiders. I know. I stalked her. I know she’s a college football fan and likes Oregon. So why the Raiders sweatshirt? I do question (and asked him) if they went to a Raiders game together. After all, she lives close enough to SFO and Oakland (she met him there before). He’s been to SFO and Raiders games without me since meeting her and had opportunity. I wonder if she bought it while at a game together. He says no, they didn’t go to a game together. To his credit, he validates my fear but doesn’t put alot of energy into her or trying to figure her out. Easier for him than me of course. She seems like the kind of person that morphs into the personality of whoever she’s with or spending time with. I don’t think she has a genuine personality. I think she’s the type of girl that just goes along with the crowd. She strikes me as having “daddy issues”. Attention seeker. Needs validation from all external sources (hence the selfies on social media so people will pay attention to her). Low self esteem. Low self confidence but fakes it by acting like an outgoing party girl. She definitely drowns her sorrows in alcohol. She is lonely, which contributes to why she clings so tightly to anyone that pays attention to her. She never would have caught his attention if he wasn’t at such a low point in his life.

The good part of this – is that I made some realizations. I’ve used some new tools I’ve learned to look at things from a different perspective. I’m not comparing myself to her – and haven’t for some time. I’ve simply seen things from a different light. She’s a damaged person. In some ways I feel sorry for her. She allowed herself to be used. She thought she had a real connection with my husband. Perhaps they did have one, at least for a little while. But in the end – she wasn’t what he wants. Even if he and I aren’t together. He hid her and his relationship with her. Like the dirty secret it was. Yes, he lied to me. He broke my heart. He hurt me so deeply that I am forever changed. But at the end of the day, I’m the only one in this scenario that can go to sleep with a clear conscious. I’m the only one that didn’t cheat. I’m the one that kept my promise to forsake all others. I’m the only one that did the right thing when nobody was looking. My therapist told me once that I’m a better person than her. And I am. I never took advantage of another person’s pain and used it for my own gain. I never engaged in an inappropriate relationship with a man that was taken. In fact, I never engaged in an inappropriate relationship with anyone.

I definitely have my faults and my issues. And for many years, I was not emotionally available to my husband. He didn’t know my past and therefore, didn’t really know me completely. I never let him all the way in. I caused him an intense amount of pain, for many years. It caused him emotional damage. That’s my cross to bear. My regret that I live with.

I worry sometimes that they shared something special. Something that I will never be a part of. If hiding and lying and hurting others that you say you care about is special, then I don’t want any part of it. If a relationship based on pain and deceit and betrayal is special, I’ll pass. I’d rather be alone.

Another positive, is that I’m getting to a place that if he did want a future with her (or anyone else) I know I’ll be ok. Yes, it will be painful and I will hurt. But if that’s what he wants – go for it. If you think the grass is greener then go. Go check that out. Go see what that grass is really all about. There was a time where I would have begged him to stay. I would have done anything he asked. I’m in a healthier place now. I have more self confidence and know my worth more. I know that I am beautiful, inside and out. I know that I am smart, funny, loving and loyal. If he doesn’t want me that doesn’t mean I’m any less valuable. It just means he’s blind and stupid and can’t see a valuable asset when its right in front of him. And that’s his loss.

So, what started out feeling like a setback – is now feeling more like a gain. I’ve gained new insight. A new way of thinking. I’ve gained more self confidence. And realized how brave I am.

A woman who opens her heart to love you, when its already broken, is braver than any person you’ll meet.  Steven Benson