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My head is all over the place lately. Looking her up over the weekend brought about some renewed anxiety and questions. At the same time, I’ve got this new perspective. Some new light shining on the darkness.

The two hardest things for me right now are wondering if what he’s told me is the truth and getting over the fact that he had sex with her.

I do alot of “if, then” statements. If he was with her in Nashville, then I’m done. If his affair lasted longer than he said, I’m done. If he had sex with her more than once, I’m done. If he, then I. Lots of them. They all center around me finding out he hasn’t been completely honest with me, which is my biggest fear. Initially after his affair I found out details in chunks. Each time, I’d discover a little more of the story. And each time it was because I kept digging. He didn’t come to me with full disclosure. I went to him with irrefutable evidence. So it makes me wonder. If I don’t have proof that he did something, would he confess? History says no. That makes me VERY uncomfortable. That makes me have doubts. That makes me hesitant to go “all in”.

I actually fear that he hasn’t been honest about the details of his affair more than I fear that he’ll have another affair. His behavior during the time of his affair was out of character for him. Not the talking to a girl part. Not even getting her number. But calling her. Developing a relationship with her. Inviting her to meet him in SFO. Going to her room and fucking her. And keeping it all a secret. He led a double life. Recently Life.After.Affair talked about her fear. She fears that her husband is truly the cheater she recently met and not the man she’s known. Not the man she loves. I doubt he’s the cheater but I understand her fear. I actually don’t have that fear. I never did, even after finding out. I’ve known my husband since we were 15. We’ve been together for almost 22 years. He’s not a cheater at his core. I know serial cheaters. My husband isn’t one. Unfortunately, he chose to spend most of his time with a serial cheater during 2013 and half of 2014. Which I believe contributed to his affair. Our relationship was in the shitter and he was hanging out with someone that didn’t honor the sanctity of marriage. This serial cheater is my husband’s business partner. They spent their work day together. Traveled a ton together. Then hung out and did personal travel together too. That doesn’t absolve my husband from his sins in any way. I just know that when you spend a lot of time with someone, you can take on their behavior – good or bad. I have a friend that is very sarcastic and puts herself down alot. I spent almost every day with her (she lived across the street). I found myself doing the same thing as her. Since we’ve both moved and don’t see each other as much (and the work I’m doing on my confidence) I see how destructive that behavior is.

The sex. I’m not as hung up on the details as I once was. It boils down to the fact that my husband had sex with another woman. While married to me. And that just wasn’t supposed to happen. And it hurts like hell.

So. My husband lost himself for awhile. He became someone that neither of us recognized. Respected. Or even liked.  In many ways, I feel like pre-affair husband is returning. I can see changes in him. I’m watching his actions. He is doing things to help build trust. When we were at that party over the weekend he spent much more time with me than he would have in the past. Usually he’d take me to a party only to barely talk with me the whole night. But this time, he recognized that I really didn’t know anyone. He recognized it was all females and I may be uncomfortable with him putting all his attention on them. He recognized that I told him that I go with him to functions for us to spend time together, not to be ignored. So he stayed close. He heard me and changed his behavior. When I’m upset he doesn’t get defensive anymore. He may be thinking this is never gonna end, but he just hugs me and lets me cry and vent. We’re starting to crack the surface of getting to his vulnerability. When deciding what to do about this pregnancy his attitude was that he just wanted what was best for me. Our therapist was able to dig deeper. She was able to get him to open up. His fear about this pregnancy is that either way (abort or have), this will be the end of our marriage.

He did the wrong thing every day for a year and a half. He did the selfish thing. The dishonest thing. But we have a 22 year history. And there are countless days that he did the right thing. For a chunk of our history, I didn’t see the things he was doing. Mind you, his delivery and methods didn’t speak to me so I wasn’t able to recognize them. But he’s done a lot of great things for me. His true self isn’t the cheater. His true self is a man that tried to get through my wall for so long. And I wouldn’t let him. And he broke. It doesn’t make his affair acceptable. Or justified. Just life I suppose.

When the song “Say Something” came out, he told me its how he felt about me. It was on the radio yesterday. I’ve heard the song hundreds of times. But yesterday, I really focused on the words. Something new clicked for me. For the first time I really felt the pain in this song. I am the one he loves. And he couldn’t get to me.