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healingafterhisaffair

~ Finding peace and healing after an affair

healingafterhisaffair

Monthly Archives: March 2015

Beauty From Pain

26 Thursday Mar 2015

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adultery, affair, betrayed spouse, cheating, d-day, healing after affair, infidelity

I want this pain to count for something. I don’t want to live through this trauma and not learn. Not grow. Not change. I know I will never be the same person I was before. Something this traumatic comes at a price. But there can be beauty from pain. I get to choose how this affects me. I’m still grieving. I’m still healing. I still have work to do. It will take time. But I keep taking one step at a time. Day to day it doesn’t look like much progress is being made. But if I look back and see how far I’ve come – its amazing. I am very proud of myself. I’m proud of the woman I am becoming. And I’m starting to get excited for a positive future. One that I don’t have figured out yet. And that’s ok. I have learned I can’t control life anyway – so I may as well just enjoy today, since that’s all that I truly have.

I don’t have some secret for how I’ve gotten here. I don’t have something every other betrayed spouse doesn’t. I just have the desire to not let this destroy me. I deserve nothing but the best. And only I can make that happen. I’m in charge of my destiny. My happiness. Its all about choice. I make the choice, every single day (sometimes more than once), to thrive. I make the choice to find beauty from pain.

Hope. Peace. Love.

25 Wednesday Mar 2015

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adultery, affair, betrayed spouse, cheating, d-day, healing after affair, infidelity

My hope for myself and all betrayed spouses is to find peace.

Peace in knowing whatever you decide, stay or go, its the right decision for YOU and you owe no explanations to anyone for it. Peace in finally realizing your worth. Peace in knowing that you did not cause your spouse to have an affair. Yes, there was most likely something lacking in the relationship that you contributed to, but you did not cause the affair. They caused it. Their choices. Something lacking within them made it possible for them to justify their actions. They blame it on us, at least initially. But know for certain, that YOU DID NOT CAUSE IT. Peace in knowing that you are special and amazing for who you are and what you bring to the table. Peace in learning that your happiness doesn’t depend on someone else. How someone treats you says more about them than you. Peace in no longer obsessing over the other person. Realizing that they were a means to an end. By obsessing over the other person and the details of the affair, you are only hurting yourself. Find out what you need to find out, but tread lightly. Once you know a detail you can’t “unknow” it. Peace in focusing on the present. Look at what is good today. Peace in loving ourselves. Peace in taking care of ourselves. Peace in looking towards a brighter future. Just because life hasn’t turned out the way we thought, doesn’t mean it still can’t be beautiful.

Peace in healing and letting go of the past, in the sense that it doesn’t harm us anymore. Peace in knowing that our personal healing is not dependent on the marriage, or how our spouse treats us. Reconciliation depends on that, but not our individual healing.

Peace in forgiveness. Forgiving your spouse and even their affair partner doesn’t absolve them from their sins. It doesn’t mean their behavior was acceptable. It doesn’t mean you like them. It doesn’t mean you want a relationship with them. Forgiveness is for you. Forgiveness means you don’t excuse the crime, it just means you’re no longer willing to be the victim. Forgiveness frees your heart and mind from the prison of bitterness. Forgiveness does not say the pain wasn’t real but rather that the pain no longer controls your life. Forgiveness is about taking back control. No longer allowing this event to control you, your emotions or your actions. This is a daily choice. Forgiveness is also often granted in steps. You may forgive all aspects of the affair at the same time.

If you chose to stay in the marriage, I hope you truly open up and give this relationship a new beginning. Because you deserve to be cherished. Loved. Respected. I hope you find peace with your decision. I hope you find peace in knowing that your spouse doesn’t define you or your worth moving forward. I hope you find peace in not settling for less than you deserve. I hope you find peace in a new found marriage. A marriage with love, respect and honesty.

If you chose to leave the marriage, I hope you take time to become comfortable and fulfilled on your own. I hope you find peace in knowing you are all you truly need. And one day, I hope you find love again.

This is a life changing experience. Each of us has the choice on how it changes us. We can be bitter, angry, afraid and numb the rest of our lives. Or we can open up, be vulnerable; allow ourselves to be loved and love in return.

This all takes time. You can’t rush healing. Healing isn’t a one time thing. You need to practice letting go every day. Over and over again. You need to truly feel the pain before you can move on from it. So give yourself permission to take your time. Just be cautious to not get stuck there. Don’t allow this pain to be your new normal. Don’t allow it to be acceptable for too long. You were betrayed and devastated. But don’t ever let that be your excuse to stop living. Don’t let what someone else has done be your excuse to just give up on yourself. You are worth more than that. You deserve more than feeling broken the rest of your life.

Above all, I hope you find peace in learning to trust yourself enough to know that whatever happens you will survive.

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My Experiment

23 Monday Mar 2015

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adultery, affair, betrayed spouse, cheating, d-day, healing after affair, infidelity

My daughter has been conducting experiments (she calls them experience) at home lately. My last post was about a challenge to myself. An experiment. I challenged myself to focus on the positive in life. Focus on what is good instead of what is bad. Focus on the fact that my husband appears to be back to the man I fell in love with and isn’t the selfish ass that had an affair. Focus on what my daughter did on her own instead of what I had to harass her to do. The list goes on.

I did pretty good, until I didn’t. I scrapbook and need to develop some pictures. I was looking at our library on our computer and came across some photos that brought more questions. This is always what I’m afraid of. Stumbling across more details. More details that prove he’s still lying to me. I panicked. My heart started to beat out of my chest. I got shaky. My wound was ripped wide open again. A gaping hole. Bleeding out. Again. I got sucked in to the darkness. I fell down the black hole. The one good thing I did was call my therapist. She was able to squeeze in a phone call with me that day. And, man, did it help!

She asked some great thought provoking questions. She also stated (as did my other therapist) that in all likelihood, he has lied and/or is still lying about details – or at the very least omitting some. And there are more details that he doesn’t remember. For those of us not engaging in an affair, we think how could you NOT remember? You risked everything to have this relationship and you don’t remember? We feel that if they don’t even remember the details, how meaningful was this relationship that you destroyed me for? Obviously not very meaningful. Which is bittersweet. It wasn’t meaningful enough to remember the details. That brings a little bit of comfort. But then – wait – you betrayed me and destroyed me – for something that wasn’t even meaningful enough to remember! Its a no win situation.  Its a trap. And I only hurt myself by picking apart the details. I know he lied. I know he cheated. I know he had sex with another woman while married to me. So how does knowing every little detail help me heal? They don’t. I torture myself with the details. It creates more triggers. But wondering sucks too.  Again, a no win situation. I know all this. The question isn’t about his affair anymore. The question is, how do I move on? How do I let go of the pain? How do I stop the turmoil in my head?

I’ve come to accept that the little details aren’t that significant. I once read that details are simply facts. Facts are neutral. Its our personal interpretation of those facts that add meaning. For example, I found a photo that he took on the highway for the exit to Lodi, OH, she lives in Lodi, CA. My interpretation is that he saw that, took the pic, sent it to her with a note that he misses her, wished he was in Lodi, CA so he could see her, etc, etc, etc. He could have simply taken the photo and never sent it to her (although I find that highly unlikely). He could have sent it to her with no emotions attached. Could have been a “Huh, who knew there was more than one Lodi?”. Again, the details are neutral. What hurts is that he thought of her enough to take the fucking picture. That’s the real truth of why this picture bothers me. It doesn’t prove that their affair was more involved than he’s admitted. It doesn’t mean anything other than he thought of her when he saw the sign. I’m sure he sees other things that make him think of all kinds of people he knows. But that fact doesn’t stop the pain.

My husband thinks I am looking for a reason to leave. I already have a reason to leave. Him cheating is reason enough. Him lying and betraying me is reason enough. I’m looking for validation that staying was the right choice. That I’m not being played for a fool. That I’m not risking my heart again by choosing to stay with him. My therapist always reminds me that his choices aren’t my burden to carry. They are his. If I chose to forgive and reconcile, and he fucks it up – that’s on him. Not me. He knows I’m not giving another chance. I will walk away. I know what I bring to the table – and I’m not afraid to eat alone. I am not afraid of being on my own. In fact, sometimes I think walking away would be easier. But at the moment, it isn’t what I want. My choice has been and still is to stay. Commit. I have hope that we can have the marriage we’ve both always wanted. I have moments where I think we’re wasting our time. But I have more moments where I think we can do this.

I know that rough days still lie ahead. However, I can see progress. We are much more open than we’ve ever been. We’re communicating. He’s spending time at home with me, our daughter – and my dad. Yes, my dad is still with us (since January). My mom is coming on Thursday. They will both be here until the end of April. He’s not once complained about my dad being here. In fact, he’s spent a ton of time with my dad. More than I have. He’s gone out of his way to include my dad. We are doing things, small things, but they are building a new foundation. One we can continue to build on. We are voicing our appreciation for each other more. We are recognizing things more. We are being vulnerable more. We are both still scared.  Who wouldn’t? I’m scared that he is still lying. He’s scared that I’m not capable of moving on from this and we’ll revert back to old ways.

Here’s the reality. I’ve made the decision to stay. I’ve made the decision to commit. I’ve made the decision to heal. And not just stay and commit. I don’t want our old marriage back. I want something new. Something better. Something more fulfilling. In order to truly accomplish that, I have to focus on today. I have to move on from the past. I have to focus on my goals. I have to focus on what I want for my future. I have to focus on self care. I have to focus on my confidence. I have to look at what I’m doing (ruminating, allowing my fears to control me, etc) and ask myself how its helping me. I have to trust myself enough to know that if he hurts me again, I will be just fine. I have to practice living in the moment. I have to allow myself to feel the pain, express it but I can’t live there. I have to use the tools I’ve learned to stop myself from being sucked in. I have to remind myself that his actions don’t define my worth. His choices were about him. Not what I am lacking. It takes time, practice and confidence. But most of all – its takes making the choice.

From the few people that I’ve read about that have thrived after an affair, they have one commonality. They view the affair as a catalyst for change. They don’t sugar coat how difficult re-building a marriage after such a devastating betrayal is. But they do have a focus on their end goal. Begin with the end in mind. How are my actions helping me achieve my goal? Sometimes I have to suck up my pride and admit I’m wrong or make myself vulnerable. Sometimes I have to suck up the unfairness of the whole situation. But, in order to build the marriage we’ve both always wanted – and are still sticking around for – we both have work to do. We both have to put in the effort. As much as I think its more fair – I can’t put all the work on him. It just doesn’t work that way. Not for us to have the marriage we want. Not for me to heal the way I want. I have to do the work too.  Whether I’m in pain or not. Whether I’m angry or not.

So I guess my experiment of positive thinking wasn’t a bust. I was tested. I stumbled a bit. But I recovered and am trying once again to focus on the positive. The best part is, if I fail today – I can always start again tomorrow.

What If

18 Wednesday Mar 2015

Posted by hopingtoheal in Uncategorized

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adultery, affair, betrayed spouse, cheating, d-day, healing after affair, infidelity

My husband and I had couples therapy today. It was a really good session. Some new insight, some good reminders. One thing I really appreciate about our therapist is that she calls us out on our crap. Today, she reiterated to my husband that his affair was not acceptable. Not justified in any way. What he did was wrong. End of story. She urged him to work with a therapist on his own (as I do) to continue to work through his issues. She stated that his affair wasn’t just fueled by his dissatisfaction with our marriage. Its deeper than that. There is a reason that he made the choice to go there. There’s a reason he let go. There’s a reason he took her number, called her, continued a friendship with her, invited her to SFO, had sex with her and kept it all a secret. And he needs to find out what that is – and how to change so he doesn’t make more bad choices. I have believed this to be true for months . Our good friend made the same comment in September, that his affair is bigger than just us. Its validating to hear this from our therapist. Its also putting us on a better path to healing – as individuals and as a couple.

We talked about many things, in addition to him needing to dig deeper into his own “stuff”. Another topic was about “what if”. Normally the what ifs are fear based. The what if we talked about was, What if we only focused – and verbalized – the positive. So instead of telling our significant other what they did wrong, we only tell them what they did right. How amazing would that feel to be on the receiving end? How much could that change your daily outlook? How great would your kids feel if you practiced this behavior with them? What impact would that have on your family? What if your boss did that? The possibilities are endless.

Starting today, I am challenging myself to focus on -and verbalize- only the positive, for 3 days. I’m starting small, but I bet the 3 days will be life changing. Not only for those around me – but for me. Does this mean that people get to take advantage of me?  That I have to accept being disrespected or mistreated? NO! But for 3 days, I’m going to try my hardest to look at life from a positive lens. What is good? What is positive? Instead of the sky being partly cloudy – its now partly sunny. Its a slight mind shift. Instead of focusing on the dirty dishes that are left after my husband makes a meal, its focusing on the fact that he made a meal –  and then verbalizing my gratitude for what he did that pleased me and leaving out the part about the dirty dishes. Its verbalizing my appreciation for him doing laundry, even if its not folded the way I like or put away – or something shrunk in the dryer. Its how I want to be treated. So why can’t I show that to others? I need to be the change I want to see in others. I can’t be negative and expect positivity from others. Its just not how the real world works.

The end result of this mind shift is having a more positive outlook on life in general. It should help me to not get caught up in the little things. It should simply make me a happier person. A person that others want to be around. A person that I am proud of. I don’t like the negative person I became, who only saw the bad. The person that saw life through a negative lens. I’m the only one with the power to change that for myself.

You can’t live a positive life with a negative mind. 

An Irish Prayer

17 Tuesday Mar 2015

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adultery, affair, betrayed spouse, cheating, d-day, healing after affair, infidelity

I’m Irish. I usually take St. Patrick’s Day off and party. Being pregnant and having too much work to do this year, I skipped. I’m sad. I miss it. My husband is out with his mom and my dad. Strange group, I know. But they are out having fun. And I’m stuck at work wishing I was out with them. Oh well. I’m listening to St. Patrick’s Day radio on Pandora to keep my mood festive.

Him being out drinking is a slight trigger for me. He doesn’t make the best decisions when he’s been drinking. But – that’s not on me. Its on him. I refuse to live in constant anxiety and/or fear of what HE is going to do. It is not my burden. Its not my load to carry. He knows what he stands to lose if he fucks up again. And that’s his choice. If he chooses to not be 100% committed to this marriage, it doesn’t mean I’m any less valuable. It doesn’t mean I’m not worthy of love and commitment. It just means he’s a dumb ass that can’t see what an amazing woman I am. I see it. Someone else will see it too. I have no fear of being alone. I have no fear of a life without him as my husband. His actions don’t define my worth, they define his.

I want him in my life, but I don’t need him there. And that is such a powerful (and healthy) feeling. I used to feel that I needed him to survive. Now I know otherwise. I don’t need him for anything.

One attitude I’ve tried to keep during this turmoil is to use this experience as a catalyst for change. To learn from this. To make this pain count for something. I love this Irish Prayer, but one line in particular stands out to me right now. “A blessing in each trial.”  Its difficult to find the silver lining. To see any good in all this pain and bullshit. However, if you really look – there is a rainbow for every storm.

irish-quotes-about-love-autumnbennett-an-irish-prayer-24292

The blessings have been centered around ME. I’ve learned I’m stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. I’ve learned I’m worth more than I’ve ever demanded for myself. I’ve learned that I am more capable that I ever thought. I’ve learned that I am not defined by what has happened to me, what others think of me, how others treat me, the size of my clothes, what I look like, what I earn or any other superficial measure. I am defined by my character. My morals. My integrity. I have been reminded that I am a good person. I don’t lie, cheat or steal. I don’t purposefully hurt people. I do the right thing, even when nobody is watching. I can walk with my head held high and sleep sound, knowing that I have treated others in a way I’m not ashamed of.

I’ve learned I’m capable of self reflection and change. I did not open up fully to my husband. I didn’t let him in. I always had my guard up. And I regret it. I’m sorry for it. It doesn’t diminish his pain any more than him telling me he’s sorry he cheated helps me. He lived it for 20 some years. Not feeling good enough. Not feeling that I felt he was good enough. I did alot of things wrong in my marriage. It doesn’t mean I deserved to be betrayed. My ability to self-reflect has helped tremendously. While I have been wronged, I don’t play the victim. What happened sucks beyond words and comprehension. But its not an excuse to curl up in a ball and die a slow and painful death. I have a life to live. I have experiences I want to treasure. I want to feel loved and cherished. I want to watch my daughter (and this new child) grow up and flourish. I want to provide them with a good role model. A role model that says “Life sucks and is unfair at times. But its up to you how you handle it. You have the power and choice to make your life anything you want it to be. You can choose to live a positive, happy life no matter what is thrown at you. Or you can give up and become a victim. A product of your circumstances. Its all a choice.”

My blessing in this trial has been more clarity on who I am and what I want out of life. What I will and won’t tolerate moving forward. All of which, are great. All of which, will help me continue to grow. All of which, will help me find peace and acceptance. I’m becoming the best version of myself I can be. And I like who I am becoming.

Need To Follow My own Advice

13 Friday Mar 2015

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adultery, affair, betrayed spouse, cheating, d-day, healing after affair, infidelity

I think I’m pretty good at giving people sound advice that is fairly impartial. I’ve been helping two co-workers with some personal things they are going through. I feel that I give appropriate advice on here. I actually talked to my therapist yesterday about how I give good advice. And that I need to follow my own advice. Its easy when your emotions aren’t the ones tied to the situation.

I follow Lessons From The End Of A Marriage. The other day she talked about how there are no shortcuts in life. One paragraph really stood out to me. She stated: “Set your intention. What are you trying to accomplish? Before you act, ask yourself if it helps you move towards your goal. If you misstep, don’t stop. Simply back up and try a new path.”

Simple. Yet powerful. I think a great lesson and reminder for us all. Not just in healing from betrayal. But life in general. When I get tempted to look up his AP online, I ask myself “What am I hoping to accomplish? How is this act helping me heal? Is it helping me or hurting me? Is it helping me heal or keeping me stuck?” When I’m tempted to ask questions about more specific details of the sex, I ask myself, “How will knowing help me? How will it hurt me?”.

We had a date night last night. It was pretty nice. We had a good dinner and good, open conversation. I told him my continued fears about not knowing the whole truth of his affair and how the one email I saw haunts me. I talked to my therapist about it too. While I haven’t accepted it all just yet, I am getting closer. I’m just starting to grasp that I’m trying to make sense of a situation that just doesn’t – and never will. I’m trying to take the very few concrete details I have and put them neatly into the puzzle so I can solve it. I’m trying to take the words that they typed and give them meaning. I’m trying to use logic in a situation that is illogical. He didn’t use his brain, obviously. So nothing he did or said makes sense. It was great to just let it out though. To talk about my emotions and fears and how I still have questions. And be met with honesty and openness and not defensiveness. No justification. He just listened. Validated my fears and was honest that he really doesn’t know what he was doing or who he became.

He told me that all he’s ever wanted and still wants is me. He said 9 out of 10 conversations were him asking her what he could do to get me to love him. I asked him why invite her to SFO then? He very honestly said he doesn’t know. He doesn’t have any good reason for it. I didn’t even ask why he had sex with her. I already know the answer. He doesn’t know. He doesn’t have any good reason for it. He told me before he wasn’t looking for sex or a relationship. Just a friend. Just someone he could talk to. And the lines got blurry. The lines got crossed. Its of no real consolation, but I suppose its something that they realized that what they were doing was wrong and “ended” things shortly after they had sex. It does support his story that he just wanted a friend. Of course, there is still a smidgen of doubt that what’s he told me is true. I have no way of truly knowing. I know that they were still friends on Facebook even when I found out about the affair. He did admit that they had contact for months after “ending” things. However, from what I understand the relationship was different, and the contact much less frequent.

I can see that my husband was in pain for many years. All he ever wanted was for me to let him in. And I didn’t. He acted out, he was crying for help. He definitely chose the worst possible way to act out. The worst possible way to cry for attention. I will give him credit for trying before giving up. He initiated marriage counseling for us. He tried to communicate with me. I wasn’t there yet. I wasn’t ready to open up. It sucks that he chose to give up right when I was starting to gain momentum and started to allow myself to be more vulnerable. It sucks and really hurts that he slept with her shortly after me telling him about my abortion. It sucks and hurts that he chose to have an affair at all. That he didn’t just leave the marriage if he was that unhappy and felt that hopeless. I can understand empathize with him on what he felt after I told him about my abortion. I withheld information for 20 years. And while it happened before our marriage, it affected me and in turn our marriage. I’m sure he felt like our entire relationship was a lie. I’m sure he replayed our marriage and saw it differently. I know, because its what I’ve done since learning of his affair. I replay our lives from May 2013 when he met her until now. Over and over again. Words and actions took on new meaning. I look at pictures and wonder how he could be smiling with me when he was lying to me.

I saw a few quotes recently that have resonated with me. “You don’t attract what you want. You attract what you are.” I really focused on it. He didn’t attract her because he wanted her. He attracted her because he was lonely, broken and in serious need of attention. And so was she. Our therapist has said something similar. 1’s don’t attract 10’s. You have to be on a similar level in order to even notice each other in the first place. If she was a healthy person, she never would have responded to his contact. If he was in a healthy place, he never would have contacted her.

The other quote is “If I let you in, please don’t break anything.” This resonates with me because I’m so afraid to let him in. I was afraid and didn’t let him in before because of the abuse I experienced. Now I’m afraid because he’s the one who hurt me this time. More than I’ve ever been hurt before, including being beaten. I recently told him that I love him, but I’m afraid to love him. I know that we don’t have a chance at a happy future together if we aren’t vulnerable. If we don’t let each other in. If we don’t love each other and allow ourselves to be loved.

So where does this all lead? I know that in order to heal I need to move forward. I need to focus on today. Focus on what’s good right now. I need to “let go” of the past so that I can appreciate the here and now. So that I can feel loved.

It all takes time. Its a process of grief. There is no shortcut. You have to feel it. You have  to take control of it. But you can make choices that help you attain your goal.

–Sometimes you have to get knocked down lower than you have ever been to stand back up taller than you have ever been.

A Refresher Course

02 Monday Mar 2015

Posted by hopingtoheal in Uncategorized

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adultery, affair, betrayed spouse, cheating, d-day, healing after affair, infidelity

I feel like I need a refresher in what I need to be doing to heal. I’ve found my thoughts leaning towards renewed questions and doubts. I’m pretty sure its because I looked her up online. It re-opened the wounds. They were starting to heal. And I ripped them back open. Leaving me bleeding, again. The pain isn’t as intense as when the wounds were first inflicted. So I guess that’s progress. Or I’m just used to the pain. Numb.

Either way, I am focusing far too much on his affair. I’ve not compared myself to her. But I’ve compared our relationship with what I perceive their relationship to have been. That’s the trouble. Its my perception. But then, I wasn’t invited to be a part of that relationship, so my perception is all I have. All I have is broken tidbits of information and one email.

Before I get sucked down the black hole, I’m stopping myself. I’m giving myself permission to hurt. To cry. To grieve. But I’m not giving myself permission to wallow. To lose progress. To allow other people’s actions to destroy me. Take my happiness. My peace. My love.

Just another day in the process. The roller coaster ride.

The following is advice from Deepak Chopra:

After being betrayed, most of us want two things, usually at the same time. We want to wound the person who hurt us — as deeply and as excruciatingly — as we’ve been wounded, and we want to rise above the situation and offer that person forgiveness. But neither of these tactics work. Wounding words tend to boomerang and make you feel as terrible as the person you wanted to hurt. Forgiveness, especially if halfhearted, tends to come off as condescension.

There are actions, though, that you can take to can heal yourself. Every hurt has its own story, and so does every healing. But we can say this: You can heal yourself when you’ve filled the hole left behind by a betrayal, and you can heal the other person when you sincerely drop the need for revenge.

Remember, the only betrayals that inflict damage are the ones where an intimate bond has been torn. Love makes you merge with another person, able to feel their emotions as keenly as you feel your own. If you have experienced such bonding, you know that it is a kind of higher reality — and when that bond is ripped apart, it’s as if you’ve lost half of yourself

So how can you get out of torment and find yourself again?

1. Gain some detachment. Stand back and view yourself as if you were the helper, not the victim.

2. Don’t indulge in emotions you cannot afford. Don’t act as if you’re feeling worse than you really are — or better.

3. Make a plan for emotional recovery. Look at where you hurt, feel wounded or see yourself as victimized, then set out to heal these areas. Don’t rely simply on letting time do it for you.

4. Feel the hole inside and grieve over it — but promise yourself that you will fill it.

5. Seek a confidant who has survived the same betrayal and has come out on the other side.

6. Work toward a tomorrow that will be better than yesterday. Don’t fixate on the past or what might have been.

7. Counter self-pity by being of service to someone else. Counter regret by seeking out activities that build your self-esteem.

It requires a good deal of objectivity to set about following such a program. Nothing is easier, of course, than doing the opposite, for example:

1. Dwelling obsessively on how you were wronged. Feeling exultant in our self-righteous pain.

2. Turning your pain into an ongoing drama.

3. Acting erratic and scattered, with no plan for getting better.

4. Mourning your loss forever. Not looking honestly at the hole inside yourself because it is too painful or you feel too weak.

5. Talking to the wrong people about your woes. Seeking out those who keep agreeing with you and amplifying our resentment by egging you on.

6. Idealizing the past. Obsessing over the good times that are gone.

7. Letting self-pity and regret dominate your state of mind.

This kind of behavior only makes a betrayal linger.

If you find yourself in the position of being the wronged party, sit down with these two seven-step programs in front of you. With a pen and paper, write down all the ways you are following the healing program and then the ways in which you are sticking with victimization one. Be candid and objective. It is healing in itself to write down how you are really doing, because the key to psychological healing is self-awareness.

The two lists — and choices — may be in stark contrast, but real life is blurry around the edges. One day you are on the right track; the next day you are a train wreck. The key is to keep being kind to yourself. You know you are being kind when you begin to feel kind toward the one who betrayed you. I know that sounds impossible when your pain is acute, but you can’t be kind to yourself unless that feeling of ease, acceptance, tolerance and non judgment extends beyond your self-interest. Otherwise, kindness is simply a mask for egotism. The idea of “I’m getting better; I hope he rots in hell” is an unresolvable contradiction.

In the end, when you reach that state of being healed, you will see how fortunate you are. As horrible as betrayal is, forgiveness belongs to those who know how to love in the first place, and you are one of them.

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