I feel like I need a refresher in what I need to be doing to heal. I’ve found my thoughts leaning towards renewed questions and doubts. I’m pretty sure its because I looked her up online. It re-opened the wounds. They were starting to heal. And I ripped them back open. Leaving me bleeding, again. The pain isn’t as intense as when the wounds were first inflicted. So I guess that’s progress. Or I’m just used to the pain. Numb.
Either way, I am focusing far too much on his affair. I’ve not compared myself to her. But I’ve compared our relationship with what I perceive their relationship to have been. That’s the trouble. Its my perception. But then, I wasn’t invited to be a part of that relationship, so my perception is all I have. All I have is broken tidbits of information and one email.
Before I get sucked down the black hole, I’m stopping myself. I’m giving myself permission to hurt. To cry. To grieve. But I’m not giving myself permission to wallow. To lose progress. To allow other people’s actions to destroy me. Take my happiness. My peace. My love.
Just another day in the process. The roller coaster ride.
The following is advice from Deepak Chopra:
After being betrayed, most of us want two things, usually at the same time. We want to wound the person who hurt us — as deeply and as excruciatingly — as we’ve been wounded, and we want to rise above the situation and offer that person forgiveness. But neither of these tactics work. Wounding words tend to boomerang and make you feel as terrible as the person you wanted to hurt. Forgiveness, especially if halfhearted, tends to come off as condescension.
Remember, the only betrayals that inflict damage are the ones where an intimate bond has been torn. Love makes you merge with another person, able to feel their emotions as keenly as you feel your own. If you have experienced such bonding, you know that it is a kind of higher reality — and when that bond is ripped apart, it’s as if you’ve lost half of yourself
So how can you get out of torment and find yourself again?
1. Gain some detachment. Stand back and view yourself as if you were the helper, not the victim.
2. Don’t indulge in emotions you cannot afford. Don’t act as if you’re feeling worse than you really are — or better.
3. Make a plan for emotional recovery. Look at where you hurt, feel wounded or see yourself as victimized, then set out to heal these areas. Don’t rely simply on letting time do it for you.
4. Feel the hole inside and grieve over it — but promise yourself that you will fill it.
5. Seek a confidant who has survived the same betrayal and has come out on the other side.
6. Work toward a tomorrow that will be better than yesterday. Don’t fixate on the past or what might have been.
7. Counter self-pity by being of service to someone else. Counter regret by seeking out activities that build your self-esteem.
It requires a good deal of objectivity to set about following such a program. Nothing is easier, of course, than doing the opposite, for example:
1. Dwelling obsessively on how you were wronged. Feeling exultant in our self-righteous pain.
2. Turning your pain into an ongoing drama.
3. Acting erratic and scattered, with no plan for getting better.
4. Mourning your loss forever. Not looking honestly at the hole inside yourself because it is too painful or you feel too weak.
5. Talking to the wrong people about your woes. Seeking out those who keep agreeing with you and amplifying our resentment by egging you on.
6. Idealizing the past. Obsessing over the good times that are gone.
7. Letting self-pity and regret dominate your state of mind.
This kind of behavior only makes a betrayal linger.
If you find yourself in the position of being the wronged party, sit down with these two seven-step programs in front of you. With a pen and paper, write down all the ways you are following the healing program and then the ways in which you are sticking with victimization one. Be candid and objective. It is healing in itself to write down how you are really doing, because the key to psychological healing is self-awareness.
The two lists — and choices — may be in stark contrast, but real life is blurry around the edges. One day you are on the right track; the next day you are a train wreck. The key is to keep being kind to yourself. You know you are being kind when you begin to feel kind toward the one who betrayed you. I know that sounds impossible when your pain is acute, but you can’t be kind to yourself unless that feeling of ease, acceptance, tolerance and non judgment extends beyond your self-interest. Otherwise, kindness is simply a mask for egotism. The idea of “I’m getting better; I hope he rots in hell” is an unresolvable contradiction.
In the end, when you reach that state of being healed, you will see how fortunate you are. As horrible as betrayal is, forgiveness belongs to those who know how to love in the first place, and you are one of them.
Thank you for this today. I regret sending my unread Deepak Chopra book to goodwill a couple of years ago, I sure could use it now.
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Reblogged this on My Life is a Soap Opera and commented:
Just had to reblog to keep me on course – I still have no idea what I’m doing but at least after reading this, I haven’t made too many mistakes along the way.
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So needed today — thank you. I was looking up the affair partner today, too, after being good for so long. I even drove by her home just to check out the house (using the excuse, “well, she’s been to mine and her husband has been to mine, too.”). But after a good therapy session where I had to answer how many anger towards her was serving me, your post was so grounding. Did this come from a book of Chopras? Can you share where you found it? I have Perfect Health, but haven’t read it all. Regardless, I’m saving this post to come back to. I need to stop thinking about wanting to hurt her. I need to heal me. XO
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I found it online. I’m not even sure where now. Sorry!
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I can’t drive past BItchface’s house, as she is four hours away, and also…she lives with Daddy as she is a twerppy little college student…but I find myself wanting to keep tabs on her, and I want to torture her or punish her, and I agree, my anger and paranoia does not serve me at all. There is just something about knowing where your enemy is…
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I too checked out the AP yesterday, there must have been something in the air. Wish I hadn’t though – it didn’t help and now her face is fresh is my mind.
Thank you for be post, it’s a great reminder that this healing process is just that, it’s a process, and may well be a long one x
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I did a bad thing and created a fake FB profile with her (Bitchface) name and picture attached, and then proceeded to troll a bunch of websites trashing her. The only thing that gave me immense pleasure was the amount of men that commented on how UGLY she was! 😉 I might not be a supermodel by any stretch of the imagination, but it was very rewarding to know that other’s didn’t think so either! I know, I know…very immature and childish of me…but felt damn good!
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LMAO! I actually love you, that is hilarious – don’t blame you one bit teeny bit!! 🙂 x
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Reblogged this on Beautifully Betrayed.
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Reblogged this on How To Not Hate My Husband and commented:
A course I’ve been needing..
I am slowing learning to let KB go. Her memory nothing I need to be fond of and I’m getting better because sometimes I still hear her voice. Her thoughts on things. It’s also hard as we pack to find how I used to write about our marriage. I loved him so, I still do it’s all new now.
14 years in and I don’t know anything about this man and presently I still don’t care in many ways. I doubt he will ever be the focus he was. I doubt I will ever give him my heart again only for it to be stomped on.
However in the beginning of the madness I hated him, I saw nothing good about this man I married and only wished death upon him, upon me, and KB too.
But now.. after almost 11 months of this?
I am beginning to see good qualities about him as a person aside from our marriage. So maybe I’m making progress.. Rizzo and Erin say I am.. and well that’s confirmation from the Lord helping me to be kind to myself..
❤
NH
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I’m not only thankful for this post but all the comments that remind me why I need not let HER into my life anymore. I can’t see her bc she blocked me lol but I would have friends let me use their phones. I haven’t done this in awhile bc why do I want to look at her nasty ass? She lost, she’s out of the picture so why bring her back in? It does re-open wounds and I’m truly learning to stop doing that! I love this reading, can you tell me the name of the book?
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I found this online and can’t recall where. If I find it again, I’ll post it.
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Sometimes the best gems seem to come out of no where, and a gem this is. Easy to say much harder to do. But it is the ultimitely a goal to one day NEVER think of “them” again. Theres a special on Oprah soul search Sundays coming up that He will be featured on if anyones interested. Thanks for sharing your find -chely
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