Wounds and Lessons

Tags

adultery, affair, betrayed spouse, cheating, d-day, healing after affair, infidelity

I have learned ALOT about relationships. Marriage. Trust. Affairs. Betrayal. Pain. Devastation. Hopelessness. I’ve learned more than I’ve ever wanted to know. I’ve learned in a way I never wanted to. However, everything I’ve learned has allowed me to grow. I’ve changed. I’ve taken this disgusting experience and am doing my best to learn the lessons. And there are plenty. I needed to learn these lessons. Something in my marriage – and life- needed to change. I wish the lessons came another way. But they didn’t.

I’ve learned alot about myself. About my strengths. My worth. My value. I’ve learned to accept myself. Love myself.

I’m a believer that everything happens for a reason. Even if the reason never makes sense. Or it hurts. I try and take my pain and have it count for something.

Anyone who has read my blog for awhile knows I had an abortion when I was 15. Now, I still can’t figure out the lesson from having an abusive boyfriend at all, let alone so young. I do believe that me getting pregnant was the only way out. I had to involve my parents at that point. I hid the bruises and emotional abuse well. But I couldn’t hide a pregnancy. I truly believe that he would have sucked me down with him had I not gotten pregnant. He would have continued to beat me. Who knows what kind of injuries he would have caused. My experience with him was traumatic. Painful. Life altering. I was young and didn’t get the help I needed. I paid for it for a LONG time. He broke me down and made me feel worthless. I felt like a disgusting person. A monster. Who kills their own baby? That person surely doesn’t deserve love. After that, I expected anyone who loved me to hurt me and let me down. After all, he said he loved me. He attempted suicide more than once when I tried to break up with him. As I young, damaged girl I mistook that for love. My parents love me (and I know they do) but they let me down. They didn’t fight for me. They had suspicions that he was abusive but never confronted me about it. It was too uncomfortable for them so they just ignored it. I would have denied it, but at least I’d see that they did something. I  know that the abortion was for the best, but I wasn’t really given a choice. Most of all, I wasn’t given the help I so desperately needed. Both for the abuse and the abortion. I am not angry or resentful towards him or my parents. I don’t even really think about it much at all anymore. Its a piece of my history. I wish it didn’t happen. I wish things would have played out differently. But I can’t change one bit of it. All I can do is learn, grow and move on.

After that, I vowed I’d never be a victim again. So I didn’t let anyone in. I put up a wall that nobody could get through. I loved from a distance. I was so afraid of being hurt. I was afraid of intimacy. I avoided it. I tried to control every aspect of my life. I kept my emotions in check. I didn’t let them out. So much so that my husband (who I’ve been with for 22 years) had no idea I felt SO much. He truly thought I didn’t give a shit about anything, including him. I didn’t share the information about my abortion with him until two years ago. He asked me many times why I hold back. Why I don’t let him in. I will give him credit. He tried. He tried hard. For many years. Then he couldn’t do it anymore and gave up. And while it hurts me, I can’t say I blame him. We all have a breaking point. And he reached his. He did everything he could think of. Despite my vow to never be a victim again, I was. By allowing the past to dictate my present, I was a victim.

I’ve learned that his affair was about life long rejection on his part. I’ve learned that him feeling accepted isn’t my responsibility. Any more than my happiness or self worth is his responsibility. Yes, we can both take action and make each other feel those things. But ultimately we are responsible for our own mental health. We aren’t here to validate each other. How I feel about myself isn’t dictated by how he or anyone treats me.

My husband’s affair hurts like HELL. The image of his AP flashes across my mind and I think about her touching him. Kissing him. Fucking him. Did he kiss her the way he kisses me? Run his fingers through her hair like he does mine? Its torture. I think about him going to her with his problems. Telling her about me. Our marriage. Shit she had NO BUSINESS knowing. I think about the support he gave her. The compliments he gave her. The lies he told. The secret life he led. How he was involved with someone else while married to me. How he would shift between being nice to me and including me in his life to being an asshole and abandoning me and our daughter. I’ve re-lived every moment of the time he was involved with her and wondered if he was being an asshole because they had a disagreement. Or was she not fulfilling his need of being accepted at that time? Was he nice to me because things with her were going really well? Its a living hell. A hell that will NEVER make sense to me. I will never be able to fully grasp it. Because I didn’t chose to have an affair. Thankfully, these thoughts are less and less invasive. They are less frequent than they used to be. I don’t get stuck in them as much anymore. But they are there. They rear their ugly heads from time to time.

I know now what NOT being a victim looks like. Feels like. Its not saying there is no pain. Its saying, there is a shit ton of pain. But I’m still living. I’m not going to allow this pain to shut me down. Being a victim only hurts me. It keeps love out. It keeps the possibility of happiness out. I told myself early on, I would not be resentful. Angry. Bitter. That his actions would not define me or confine me. I know several women that were cheated on that have never recovered. They have never found happiness again. I make no judgement on anyone else and how they deal with their pain. However, I want more for myself. For my family. I want happiness. And while I have decided to stay with my husband – he isn’t where I’m going to find happiness. Its within me. If I’m not happy – he will never be able to make me happy. Yes, he can do things that make me happy in the relationship and make me want to stay. If he continues to cheat or just be an asshole, I have the choice to leave. But whether or not we are together – I’m in charge of my happiness. I’m in control of how I let his actions (and others) affect me. My therapist and I talk alot about choices. Just as his choice was to have an affair (wrong choice for sure), how I react and live my life from here on out is my choice. We’ve talked about people that never move past the pain (whether its affair, broken trust, childhood issues with parents, abuse, etc). I’m not minimizing anyone’s pain here (because believe me I know pain) but it really does come down to a choice. Every day. Sometimes more than once. Its a choice that you will not allow pain, or another person’s actions control you. It takes time. Practice. Patience.

We’ve all heard the saying “time heals all wounds”. Its a farse. Time alone doesn’t heal wounds. Its what you do with that time that heals the wounds.

Love With a Ten-Foot Pole

Common sense, yet very profound. A good reminder today. I’ve let fear control me. I’ve tried to control so much in my life. I thought control would give me the outcome I wanted. I thought control would prevent my worst fears from becoming my reality. I thought control would keep my husband faithful. I’ve learned that I can’t control life. I definitely can’t control anyone else on this planet besides myself. In my effort to avoid pain, I didn’t give myself completely to my husband. Even before his affair. I carried pain from a previous relationship into my marriage. I held a secret for 20 years. I never allowed myself to be vulnerable, as I vowed I wouldn’t be a victim again. I thought he couldn’t hurt me if I never let him all the way in. What I’ve learned now is that I’m not a victim if I give love to someone. I’m not a victim if I allow them to love me. I’m not a victim if I make myself vulnerable. Yes, I may get hurt but I’m not a victim. The reality is that anyone we love has the potential to hurt us – and most likely will (spouses, parents, kids, etc). But I’m not a victim. But keeping loved ones at a distance also keeps the love at a distance. You miss out on a true, deep, intimate connection. And that, is a very sad way to live.
I have learned that my marriage definitely doesn’t have a chance if I love at a distance. I have learned that to truly reconcile I need to forgive and learn to let the past go. I need to learn to live in the moment. Not giving the past any more power, nor worrying about the future. Just take each day as it comes. Damn, that’s hard for me. I’m a classic worrier and over thinker, much to my own demise. Worrying doesn’t stop bad things from happening, it just robs you from enjoying the good.
Here’s to adopting a new attitude about fear and control. Here’s to looking at life in a new way. I know this won’t happen over night. I know this will take alot of effort and thought. I know it will be challenging and scary. I know I will want to revert to old ways that feel safer in the moment. I also know that I can do this. I’ve got this! Without great risk, there is no great reward, right?

Lessons From the End of a Marriage

When catching up with my mom’s neighbor (and member of the virtual Lisa cheering squad over the last 6 years) last month, he jokingly asked me how I managed to fall in love again.

“I assumed you would have those boys held back with a ten-foot pole. After what you’ve been through, I sure wouldn’t blame you!”

“It doesn’t work that way,” I responded. “Love from ten feet away is no love at all. Gotta go for it or decide you it’s not for you.”

Love is all or none.

If you try to hold it at a distance, you end up pushing it away.

If you attempt to control it, you will inevitably strangle it.

If you build walls and hang back out of a fear of being hurt, you are avoiding the very intimacy that is the foundation of a relationship.

If you punish your new partner for…

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Do you want to build a snowman?

We had therapy today. We’ve got a long road ahead of us to fully healing and reconciling. But we’ve come a long way. We look for these huge changes and gestures to gauge our healing and progress. We neglect to see the small, daily changes that are being made. We want to get from pain to healed in an instant. We just want the pain to end. We just want to feel better. So when we aren’t there, we think we haven’t made any progress. We feel that we are never going to get there. We feel hopeless. We feel like giving up.

This is all about baby steps. Taking small, manageable and consistent actions. These small steps start to add up. They build momentum. That momentum starts to build. Once that momentum is rolling, it catches speed and starts to move faster, like a train.

It makes me think of when you build a snowman. You start with one small snowball in your hand. Its nothing close to the finished product. Looks nothing like a snowman. You could just toss it aside and throw it away. Or you can continue to add to it. You can build something from it. You can take that small snowball roll it in the snow on the ground. The snow on the ground starts to attach to the snowball. It starts to build. Pretty soon you’ve got a huge ball for the base. Still doesn’t look like a snowman. Just a huge snowball on the ground. Now you’ve got to build the body. So you start again. From scratch. With a new snowball. Then rolling it on the ground. You’re feeling pretty good. You see progress. Its starting to look like something. But its not done. Yet again, you have to start a new snowball for the head. Once again you make a snowball in your hand. Once again you have to roll it on the ground. Finally, you add it to the two other mounds you’ve made. It now looks mostly like a snowman. The hard work is done. You’ve put in the hard work of rolling snow into huge balls. Stacked them one on top of each other. Now you just have to put the finishing touches on – the eyes, nose, mouth and arms.

Building the foundation was the hardest. It needed to be the biggest and most sturdy. It required the most time and energy to build correctly. You need a good foundation for the body and head. Otherwise your snowman will collapse. The body and head are important too though! The body is the keystone. It balances the weight of the head and connects it to the foundation. The head holds the eyes, nose and mouth. Each piece serves a purpose. And they must be built in specific order. There are no short cuts in building a snowman.

There are no shortcuts in healing. There are no shortcuts in marriage and relationships. You have to build a strong, sturdy foundation first. Otherwise, it simply won’t last. It will crumble. Sure, you can build the body first, with the head and foundation stacked on top, but it can’t sustain that pressure for long. It will eventually break and fall apart. You can try to build the head first. It definitely cannot sustain the body and foundation.

There are no short cuts. You have to build the foundation first. Take the time to do it right. Make sure its solid. Make sure it can support the body and head. If you do that, your snowman will be solid. Your snowman will last – well, until winter is over, but you get the idea 🙂

Love, Me

Tags

adultery, affair, betrayed spouse, cheating, d-day, healing after affair, infidelity

Dear Me,

My greatest hope is that you find peace. Happiness. Love. Within yourself. My hope is that you never attach your self worth to another human being again. That you know how amazing you are. That, even though it feels like you failed, you didn’t. That you know and remember that your husband’s actions don’t define you; his actions weren’t even about you. That his (or anyone else’s) inability to appreciate you doesn’t depreciate your value. I hope that no matter how you are treated by others, you know how amazing you are. You are beautiful, inside and out. You have a kind, loving heart. You get hurt and yet still find strength and grace to forgive. You pick yourself up and keep moving. You keep living. You provide humor to those around you despite feeling broken. You provide support to those around you, even though you can barely stand up yourself. You find courage to love others, while your heart is in a million pieces. You have morals, integrity and character. You have not lowered your standards or become a victim. You have stood up, in the face of the most devastating pain in your life, and accepted your shortcomings. You’ve taken responsibility for how you’ve done others wrong. Rather than crucify your husband for having an affair, you’ve tried to learn from the experience. You’ve tried to understand and empathize with his pain. You’ve tried to learn the root causes of why he made such ugly choices. You’ve tried to understand how he became so broken; how he became a stranger to you. You do all this while feeling devastated and broken yourself.

Some days feel impossible to move past the pain. The betrayal. The loss. You feel numb. You may even wish you were dead. You really don’t want to die, you just want the pain to stop. You want the impossible. You want for your husband to have made better choices. You want for your husband to have loved and respected you enough to have remained faithful. You wonder when you will look at him again and only see the man you love. Not the cheater. Not the liar. Not having all the uncertainty. Not having questions swirling in your mind all the time. Not wondering what else you don’t know. Not wondering what else he’s lied about or is still lying about.

In addition to the intense pain, his affair has caused you many doubts. You question who YOU are. What you stand for. You wonder if you are weak for considering reconciliation. You wonder if you are allowing him to disrespect you by staying. You wonder if he truly understands, or even cares, how close he came to losing you. That he still could lose you.  You wonder if he realizes that you are prepared to walk away if he chooses poorly again. You know you deserved better than you got. You even sometimes wonder if he’s worthy of you and your love. You wonder if he has what it takes to see this through. If your love has what it takes to truly heal and have the marriage you both hope for.

You found out about your husband’s affair not quite 8 months ago. For 8 months, you have gotten out of bed and lived your life every day with the heartbreaking knowledge that your husband was unfaithful. That your husband lied. Led a secret life for a year and a half. That your husband turned to another woman and had sex with her. That knowledge is enough to break someone. And while you feel broken, you are not. You have not given up on life. You continue to work and care for your daughter. You continue to grow as an individual. You continue to work on your marriage. You have conducted yourself in an admirable manner. While you’ve had many fantasies of hurting him and her the way they hurt you, you haven’t. You’ve not let them destroy who you are. You remain true to yourself. You are guarded, understandably,  but not completely closed off. You’ve remained vulnerable to a certain point. You’ve put your pride aside. You’ve looked for ways to make your life and this marriage better. You work to live in the present. You look for ways to grow from this experience. You  have changed from this experience. Mostly in good ways. You are more open and communicate better. You listen to understand.

Just know, the day of peace will come. You’ve faced pain and adversity in the past. And while that took a long time to get through – you finally did. You are no longer a teenager with no help. You are a grown, strong woman with the right help and tools to not only survive but thrive. You know its your choice. Its not easy or fair. But it is up to you. You get to choose how you live the rest of your life. You’ve already chosen to not be a victim. You’ve already chosen to not be bitter and resentful. You aren’t there yet. And that’s ok. You need time. You need to grieve. You need to learn to trust again. Believe in yourself and others again. Its ok that you have good days and bad. Its ok that you cry every now and then. Its ok that you still feel pain. Its ok that you “aren’t over it yet”. You are taking steps every single day. You are trying to balance a million different emotions at once. You are trying to accept that your life hasn’t turned out how you wanted. You are trying to accept that your husband didn’t turn out to be exactly who you thought he was, or at the very least is capable of things you didn’t think he was capable of. You are trying to accept that your husband had an affair. He chose himself over your marriage. You are trying to manage that pain and grieve the loss while simultaneously working on living more in the present. You are trying to allow him in your heart, when he’s the one who broke it. You are trying to allow intimacy in your relationship when you are in pain and think about him touching her while he’s touching you. You are working through alot of questions and doubts. You are afraid to open your heart. You are afraid of losing yourself again. Its understandable that you are moving slowly, cautiously, purposefully. You will make it. Just keep taking one small step every day.  You will get there. You can do this. You are worth it. You deserve this peace. This happiness. This love.

Know that you are a survivor and so much stronger than you think. Know that you are enough. You are not tarnished. You are not lacking in any way. You are unique. You are special. You are amazing. And you don’t need anyone else’s approval to be that way. You don’t even need their recognition. Know that no matter what happens to and in your marriage, you will find peace and  happiness. You will feel whole again. You will find these in yourself. There will come a day where you look back on this time without pain. You will think, wow I can’t believe I made it through. Hopefully you will see the lessons that needed learned. Hopefully you will have changed for the better. Hopefully your life will be so rich and fulfilling that you won’t give much thought at all to his affair. That you will be so busy living in the present that your past is just that. The past. Something that happened, you learned and moved on from. Something that no longer haunts you and brings pain.

I hope you see what an incredible mother you are. Your daughter is amazing. She is loved and valued. She feels safe and secure in her home. And that is a credit to you. The love you show her makes her feel safe to be herself. You not only tell her you love her, but you also show her. You prove it to her on a consistent basis. She tells you such sweet things at such a tender, young age.  She tells you she loves you, that you are very special to her. She’s said she loves you more than her blankie. And that is alot! She is affectionate and articulate about her feelings. She’s strong and independent. She’s learned that from you and the example you set for her. She’s watching you. You are her role model. You feel that you are failing her sometimes. In those times, just look at her and see how amazing she is. Know that you are a big part of who she is and why. You are not failing her!

Remember to surround yourself with people who love you. Who want the best for you. Who bring out the best in you. Remember to make time for yourself. To nurture yourself. Remember to have the courage to live the life you dream of. Remember to make time for fun and excitement in your life. Travel. See new things. Experience new things. Remember to look for the good in life and situations. Remember to laugh. Remember to live. Above all, remember to love yourself.

Love,

Me

The Glass Half Full

Tags

adultery, affair, betrayed spouse, cheating, d-day, healing after affair, infidelity

I’m still working on changing my mindset to a more positive one. Looking at the good. Its not about ignoring the bad or accepting poor treatment. Just about seeing the positives.

My husband and I went away for the weekend. We went to his brother’s wedding in Texas and visited with his cousin. Our daughter stayed home with my parents.

The weekend wasn’t perfect. Wasn’t without drama. Wasn’t without some irritations. Wasn’t without triggers or thoughts of his affair and the pain I live in every day.

There were times that I started to feel sucked in. Times when I wanted to cry. Scream.

But I redirected my focus on what was good in the moment. When I allow myself to see it and feel it – there is alot of good.

I was in warm weather. I got to spend time in the sun. It snowed where I live just a week ago, so this was a welcome change. I get along great with his cousin, so spending time with her was nice. She’s a warm, genuine person. I needed a breathe of that. I didn’t have to work for four days. That’s always a bonus. I had longer stretches than usual of not thinking about his affair. That alone is an amazing feeling. My husband and I were able to connect with our niece who is going through a difficult time.

But more importantly, I saw some positive changes within my husband and our relationship. I noticed some “little” things. Him making my plate for me a few times at dinner. He saw me asleep on the airplane and gave me the blanket that he was using as a pillow and went without. We held hands more. We had sex, which has been lacking as of late. He paid me some very nice compliments. He told me I have this glow about me while pregnant. He likes the way I flaunt my curves when pregnant and expressed that he wishes I’d do it all the time.

The biggest of all, is that he didn’t work while on vacation. He was planning on taking his laptop with him. He felt he had to work. Our therapist challenged him not to. He did not take his laptop, he disabled the sync on his phone so he didn’t see the emails coming in. He limited his phone calls and texts. I know he had anxiety about it. He is just not wired to shut off from work. He’s self employed. His business partner is an ass. But, that ass actually stepped up and took care of things while we were away. His employees are great and handled things so he could actually get a break. I hope he sees that the whole business didn’t crumble from his absence for a few days. And that by him not working, it helped our relationship – at least on my end. Him not working meant he was spending time with me. It meant he was present with me.

The reason this means so much to me is because for the majority of our relationship, I’ve felt like work was always a priority and I wasn’t. I’ve felt that I was put on the back burner. That he didn’t make time for me. Work was always an excuse to not put the effort into us. I’ve been vocal that if he had time to have an affair, he certainly has time for our marriage. That all the time and energy he put into getting to know her – he can put into getting to know me again. And I need to see him making that time. I need to see him making our marriage a priority. Because I won’t tolerate being on the back burner anymore. That’s one of many changes in me. I’m standing up for myself now. I’m not settling for less than I deserve. It sucks that it took all of this chaos and pain for us to make changes. But I guess it is what it is.

He made sure to give me a hug and a kiss this morning before work. He brought me lunch today. We are telling each other “I love you” again. We haven’t said that to each other for months, probably closer to a year.

Yes, I have moments where I think “would he do this for her?” and “why now”. I have moments where I wonder if we’ll make it. I have moments where I wonder if he and this marriage are worth all this pain and work. These moments are becoming less frequent and they don’t last quite as long as they used to.

I’m learning that in order to truly let go of the pain and the past, I have to accept it for what it is. I have to accept him for who he is. I have to accept our story and our path for what it is. But I have to be careful to not let it define who and where we are today.