I’m still working on changing my mindset to a more positive one. Looking at the good. Its not about ignoring the bad or accepting poor treatment. Just about seeing the positives.
My husband and I went away for the weekend. We went to his brother’s wedding in Texas and visited with his cousin. Our daughter stayed home with my parents.
The weekend wasn’t perfect. Wasn’t without drama. Wasn’t without some irritations. Wasn’t without triggers or thoughts of his affair and the pain I live in every day.
There were times that I started to feel sucked in. Times when I wanted to cry. Scream.
But I redirected my focus on what was good in the moment. When I allow myself to see it and feel it – there is alot of good.
I was in warm weather. I got to spend time in the sun. It snowed where I live just a week ago, so this was a welcome change. I get along great with his cousin, so spending time with her was nice. She’s a warm, genuine person. I needed a breathe of that. I didn’t have to work for four days. That’s always a bonus. I had longer stretches than usual of not thinking about his affair. That alone is an amazing feeling. My husband and I were able to connect with our niece who is going through a difficult time.
But more importantly, I saw some positive changes within my husband and our relationship. I noticed some “little” things. Him making my plate for me a few times at dinner. He saw me asleep on the airplane and gave me the blanket that he was using as a pillow and went without. We held hands more. We had sex, which has been lacking as of late. He paid me some very nice compliments. He told me I have this glow about me while pregnant. He likes the way I flaunt my curves when pregnant and expressed that he wishes I’d do it all the time.
The biggest of all, is that he didn’t work while on vacation. He was planning on taking his laptop with him. He felt he had to work. Our therapist challenged him not to. He did not take his laptop, he disabled the sync on his phone so he didn’t see the emails coming in. He limited his phone calls and texts. I know he had anxiety about it. He is just not wired to shut off from work. He’s self employed. His business partner is an ass. But, that ass actually stepped up and took care of things while we were away. His employees are great and handled things so he could actually get a break. I hope he sees that the whole business didn’t crumble from his absence for a few days. And that by him not working, it helped our relationship – at least on my end. Him not working meant he was spending time with me. It meant he was present with me.
The reason this means so much to me is because for the majority of our relationship, I’ve felt like work was always a priority and I wasn’t. I’ve felt that I was put on the back burner. That he didn’t make time for me. Work was always an excuse to not put the effort into us. I’ve been vocal that if he had time to have an affair, he certainly has time for our marriage. That all the time and energy he put into getting to know her – he can put into getting to know me again. And I need to see him making that time. I need to see him making our marriage a priority. Because I won’t tolerate being on the back burner anymore. That’s one of many changes in me. I’m standing up for myself now. I’m not settling for less than I deserve. It sucks that it took all of this chaos and pain for us to make changes. But I guess it is what it is.
He made sure to give me a hug and a kiss this morning before work. He brought me lunch today. We are telling each other “I love you” again. We haven’t said that to each other for months, probably closer to a year.
Yes, I have moments where I think “would he do this for her?” and “why now”. I have moments where I wonder if we’ll make it. I have moments where I wonder if he and this marriage are worth all this pain and work. These moments are becoming less frequent and they don’t last quite as long as they used to.
I’m learning that in order to truly let go of the pain and the past, I have to accept it for what it is. I have to accept him for who he is. I have to accept our story and our path for what it is. But I have to be careful to not let it define who and where we are today.