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I’m stuck in a cycle of fears. Fears that my husband is still lying about the details of his affair. I don’t know if the details I have are coincidence or proof. Its really not so much about the details anymore. Its about trust. Can I trust him? Is he still lying straight to my face? If he can’t be honest with me, what are we doing? I go from feeling like I’m getting a grip on my fears and how they feed my insecurity and inability to be vulnerable with him to falling back down the rabbit hole. I have valid reasons to be fearful, to not trust him, to not just take him at his word. But what is fear and what is evidence of further lies and betrayal?

I will preface my fears by stating that, for the most part, he is doing his part. The immediate aftermath of D-Day wasn’t good. He was a dick. He was still justifying and blaming me. He was still lying. He was defensive and overall an asshole. Today, he is being transparent. He’s home ALOT. If he goes out he sends me pictures of who he is with (though I’ve never asked for it). He checks in more. We have lunch together almost daily. If he has to work at night or on a weekend, he invites me to hang out with him. I have made a few unannounced visits (not in an attempt to catch him at anything but its just how it worked out) and he was where and with who he said he’d be. He no longer has a lock on his phone. And before he took the lock off I knew the password. He leaves his phone around the house, where before it was always attached to him. He’s more engaged at home. He is less defensive, though he still gets that way from time to time. My biggest complaint is that he can just go on living like nothing happened. But that’s just who he is. He compartmentalizes the shit out of life. He has a conversation about something, decides what action he is going to take and then moves on.

Back to my fears, I realize that he could be telling the truth. That just because he lied about so much doesn’t mean he is lying about these details. I know that my perception of these details may not in fact be reality. There is just something in me that keeps asking the same questions. It keeps nagging at me. Why do these details keep picking at me? Is my intuition trying to tell me something? Or is it normal fear after such a tragic betrayal?

My husband has a history of lying. I caught him in many lies in our 22 year history. The significant lies center around him hanging out with other women and him either leaving those details out or straight faced lying to me. Throw in a year and half of lying while engaged in an affair to top it off. I’m definitely hesitant to take him at his word. What adds to my fears and suspicions is the fact that he never came clean on his own. I always caught him in the lie. I always gave him an opportunity to confess but he never did.  I think all he learned from these experiences is how to be a better liar. How to cover his tracks better. He learned to put a lock on his phone, keep his phone out of my reach. He started locking down everything that he could. I had no access to his emails, texts, phone call history, browsing history, etc. He hid behind his business. It was only when he was backed into a corner that he confessed. I am mature enough to admit that I didn’t make telling the truth easy. Because of my insecurity I didn’t take him talking to other women so well. I got jealous and sometimes acted irrational. So it became easier to lie. I believe he lied simply to avoid a fight. But that’s how it starts. You tell one little lie, get away with it and then the lies become bigger and bigger. I can now see the progression of his lies. I can see how they got less and less “innocent”. How they became more frequent. More damaging. How they eroded my trust in him. My respect for him. My love for him. How I shut down and put another brick in the wall with each lie.

Back to his affair:  He met her while in Vegas for a work conference. It was May 2013. He was there Friday through Wednesday.

The way I learned of his affair contributes to my suspicions. I found out from an anonymous message on Facebook. When I confronted him, he said he didn’t know her. I told him she’s your friend on Facebook and has commented on your posts. Then he admitted to meeting her but that was it. Then, as I pushed, he admitted to contact after Vegas but only via text and email. I also got a Facebook message saying she came to PA. He denied seeing her again. It wasn’t until I saw the email (his email to her shortly after D-Day where he said he told me that they only saw each other “that one time”) that he admitted to seeing her again.

I’ve brought up my fears to him and in therapy, on numerous occasions. His stance continues to be that the story he told me is what happened. They saw each other only when they met and in SFO in August 2013. They had sex once, while extremely drunk and he doesn’t remember many details. They talked alot, mostly via text and email and mostly about my marriage. He has only ever viewed her as a friend. They decided in Nov 13 to not see each other again. He says they decided that seeing each other was wrong, but thought it was ok to continue to be “friends” and text, email and have an occasional phone call. He says their last contact (until I found out) was June 2014. He contacted her when I found out about them to see if she knew who could have sent me the anonymous Facebook message that alerted me to his affair in the first place.

At one point he told me he didn’t really think about her after they decided to not see each other (Nov 13). He told me he was very up front with her about the fact that if he and I divorced, he wasn’t going to get in a relationship with her or anyone else. That he would be alone.  Yet in Sept 2014 when I found out about his affair and saw an email exchange between them, he told her he missed her. He told her he was struggling. Her response was “you know I love you” and that he needs to make a decision. His reply was that they couldn’t be together for several years as it would be too suspicious. Now, if someone is your friend and you never talked about a future together (which is what he says is the case) why would that need to be said? When I questioned him, he first made it about me. That it would hurt me too much if he had a relationship with her, or anyone else so that’s why he told her that. Then, later, he said he doesn’t know why he said it. I believe he said it because they did talk about a future together. Or at the very least he wanted to let her down easy, because he hadn’t made it clear to her that they had no future together.

Her friend, Julie, had an affair with my husband’s business partner (BP). My husband invited his AP to meet him in SFO August 2013.  Julie put some stuff about SFO on her pinterest page and specifically put 8/13 on them. My husband says it was just him, his BP and AP on that trip. Julie didn’t come. Why would Julie post these things and put 8/13 on them, unless she was there in August 2013? Why wouldn’t Julie come too? Its not like my husband and his girlfriend were keeping their relationship a secret from BP. The BP wasn’t keeping his affair a secret from my husband either. I distinctly remember my husband making comments about how he was pretty sure the BP was having an affair. No shit you were pretty sure. You were part of it and having your own. The two OW were friends, so its not like they didn’t know what the other was doing. I wonder why he would lie about her not being there is she really was. Could be because of the subsequent questions he knows would follow. Did he and his OW share a room for the weekend? This could have happened even if Julie wasn’t there. I suppose its possible that she wasn’t there. Still suspicious.

He referenced a time that he and BP went to SFO and saw a boat race. He told me it was just the two of them. When talking about it once, he specifically said “they” wanted to sit in some place. Not “him” meaning the BP. “They”. Meaning someone else was there too. He says he misspoke and meant to say “he”. Suspicious.

He went to SFO FOUR times from August 2013 to August 2014. He usually goes in August for a work conference and has been for about five years. The conference started on Monday. He left the Thursday before and came home on Wednesday. He told me they were taking some extra time to relax. He certainly relaxed and enjoyed himself. While I sat at home taking care of our daughter. While I sat at home still living in my responsibilities and honoring my vows despite my dissatisfaction with our marriage. While he got drunk for a weekend and fucked someone else, I cried myself to sleep every night. He went to a Raiders preseason game on Friday, which was the day she arrived. He first told me he didn’t go to a game. I found proof that he did. He says he doesn’t remember going to the game. This is a guy that can tell you any stat about his team. He can tell you every game he went to. What the score was. He still says she wasn’t at the game. The day she arrives she doesn’t go to the game? I also found pictures of her online wearing Raiders gear, yet he tells me she’s not a Raiders fan. So why the Raiders sweatshirt? It could very well be that she became consumed by him. Infatuated. And wanted to wear Raiders shit to feel closer. But still suspicious.

I have family in AZ. We went out for Thanksgiving in Nov 2013. There was a Raiders home game during that time. He went to the game. He did ask me to go with him, which I declined. Did he invite her to meet him there? He says no. This is also coincidentally when they decided to not see each other again. He was also a huge jerk to me on this trip. Now, we had decided we were going to divorce after the holidays. And there was a bunch of shit going on at work. But I can’t help but wonder if he was such a dick because he and his girlfriend just broke up.

He went to SFO again in Feb 2014. A few months ago I found a picture of a car from CA on his phone dated 2/1/14. The picture was clearly taken in our home town. He took this picture two weeks before he was in SFO again. He was there over Valentine’s Day and didn’t need to be. He was gone Thursday to Thursday, for a conference that was most likely Monday through Wednesday. He left the day before Valentine’s Day, when he clearly didn’t need to. Was it because she was meeting him there again? He says no, but I’m very suspicious of this one.

He was then in SFO again in August 2014 for the annual conference. We barely spoke while he was gone. He was distant. Cold. This time he was gone a Tuesday through Monday, so another long trip, unnecessarily. His BP wasn’t with him on this one. He says he was alone.

Of all his trips, he’s only brought me something back from his August 2013 trip to SFO (when he had sex with her) and his August 2014 trip to SFO (when he was cold and distant). Coincidence? Were these guilt gifts?

I have proof that they he and his AP were in Nashville in June 2014 for at least one day at the same time. He says he did not see her. He says he had no knowledge of her being there. I do know that she has a friend in Nashville and has been back since June 2014 at a time when my husband was home. This trip was not a long one like SFO. He was there Sunday through Thursday. June 2014 is also when he says they had their last contact before I discovered the affair early September 2014. Coincidences or more lies?

He traveled to New Orleans (Monday through Friday), New York City (weekend trip over his birthday) , took sailing trips with his BP and much more. The last trip he took was a sailing trip with his BP in August 2014. He and I texted almost the whole time. He made a comment that now strikes me. His BP asked him who he was texting so much. My guess is that his BP wasn’t sure if it was me or her.

A few weeks back I found a playlist on our computer. It was in a folder under my name with the year 2013 on it. I know for a fact I didn’t make one. And I know he didn’t make one for me. So I looked at it. Based on the songs, I thought he made a playlist for her. When I asked him about it he said she made it for him. Why the fuck would you save it under MY name? All the songs were about love that shouldn’t be. That what they were doing was wrong but couldn’t help themselves. Songs like Mrs Jones and Me (her last name is Jones coincidentally) and one that had her hometown Lodi, CA in the title. A Lana Del Ray song about her pussy tasting like pepsi cola and your wife won’t mind was on there. It included My Pony (if you’re horny let’s do it). That screams, “we’re just friends”. It also included Empire State of Mind, Simple Man, Sail and Creep. I know he liked Empire State of Mind and Creep before meeting her. So did she include them simply because she knows he likes them? Or do they hold special meaning for them? Did they go to NYC together and that’s why Empire State of Mind is on there? He listens to Simple Man alot. Does he like the song because of her? I can recall him playing some of the songs from the playlist (songs that I never heard of before). I remember asking where he heard the songs as they weren’t really what he would normally listen to nor were they mainstream. He cited the radio or his BP. Before I found this playlist, he and I had a conversation about a playlist he made for me a long time ago. He said he was trying to express to me how he felt. That he used the music to say what he couldn’t find the words for. I asked him to make me a new playlist and I would make him one. When I found the playlist she made him he said he forgot about it. Said he listened to it a few times. He didn’t really pay attention to the songs or their meaning. He appreciated the sentiment that she made it for him, but beyond that it was nothing. So he forgot about her making one for him? Even though he listens to some of the songs from it? Did he forget when he played the songs for me? He uses music to say what he feels to me. He gets one from her and it didn’t really mean anything to him? He didn’t listen to the lyrics and get any meaning from the songs? A “friend’ makes a playlist and puts a song that’s about fucking on it (actually more than one) and it doesn’t strike you as odd?

Also tied to the playlist is that I saw his list of songs he was choosing for the playlist he recently made for me. The songs that didn’t make the cut:  Brown Eyed Girl. I have blue eyes. She has brown eyes. California Dreaming. She’s from CA. Mrs. Robinson, which is about cheating. Hello Again by Neil Diamond. Basically a song about being apart but keeping in touch. Your love by Outfield, which is about cheating. Beast of Burden by the Rolling Stones, not sure what to make of that one. And Closer by NIN. A song about fucking someone. I could see this one not making the cut on an emotional playlist. When I asked about the list, he said that he just starting keeping a list of songs he liked and then went through them to see if they were relevant. While this could be completely true, it feels like this list was started for her at some point and then he morphed it into being for me.

Shortly after learning of his affair he offered his phone records to me. I declined, knowing that all that is available is phone call history. I figured he must be pretty confident there aren’t many calls. He has always maintained that the bulk of their contact was text and email. I sometimes regret not getting the records. It would take away some of the questions about how many times they called each other and when. But would it really help? Would it put me at east at all?

I’ve also thought many times about what his credit card receipts would show. I’ve never asked for them and probably never will. Mostly because I don’t think it will answer my questions. If the receipts don’t prove she was with him in Nashville for example, will it put me at ease? Will it prove she wasn’t there? Will I accept that she wasn’t there? I don’t know. Perhaps. Or perhaps I’ll just think she paid her own way or he hid her meals, etc in there somehow.

Either way, its a mindfuck. At the core of all of this shit is intense pain from betrayal. It seems crazy that I don’t know if I’m being naive and stupid if I choose to believe him, despite all the “evidence”.  I know that being cautious and suspicious is normal in my situation. But am I making these details more than they really are? Am I over-thinking every detail? This is one of the worst affects of being betrayed. You not only don’t trust your spouse, but you don’t trust yourself anymore either.

What would it mean if all my fears were reality? What if he was with her more than he’s admitted? Had sex more than once? Loved her? Planned a future? Truth is – I don’t know. All I know is that I deserve the truth, no matter how ugly or painful. I deserve to know everything. I deserve to decide if I want to stay and fight or leave the marriage with full knowledge of his actions. I get to make that choice for myself. And I feel like if he’s still lying he’s not only still betraying me, but taking my choice away from me.

This mindfuck plays in reverse as I think of times he did nice things for me. I was in AZ with my family for about a month in March – April 2014 with our daughter. He met me at the airport with flowers. He posted pictures of me and us on Facebook during the time of his affair. Although few and far between, there were glimpses of good times and caring for each other during this time. It wasn’t often, but he did ask me to travel with him once or twice.

I do think he’s being honest today. About where he is and what he’s doing. That he is not involved with her or anyone else. I just still question whether he’s been completely honest about the questions I’ve asked him about his affair. I realize I will not know every detail. But I do want to know that I’m getting the truth regarding the details I ask about. How do I know if I’m getting the truth?

I wonder what brought these emotions on. Could be that we started watching House of Cards over the weekend and its filled with dishonesty. Lies. Betrayal. The main characters were both involved in affairs. Could be just the natural course of the roller coaster. No matter the reason,  I have all these facts staring at me. Sometimes, like now, they are screaming at me. Screaming to pay attention to what is right in front of me. Shouting that I have evidence of more lies. Sometimes this all seems like alot of bullshit to swallow, and I’m starting to choke on it. Other times, its tucked away. When I live in the present and notice what he is doing now. Today. How he appears to be truthful and transparent. How he is putting in more of an effort. Investing in us again. I try to remember how often he’s told me that I’m the one he’s always wanted. The other day he referred to her as a temporary fix to fill a void. The details don’t haunt me quite so much during these times.

I feel that its my distrust and suspicions keeping me from fully moving forward. I’ve accepted that my husband had an affair. I’ve accepted why. I’ve accepted that he turned to her instead of me, although it hurts. I have accepted that he had sex with her, although that REALLY fucking hurts. What I haven’t accepted is his story. I haven’t accepted that he’s told me the whole truth. And I’m not sure what its going to take for me to accept it. Time? More self growth? Me making the choice to believe him and put it all behind me? Or will I gradually start to trust in him again? Will his honesty today make me believe what he’s told me about his affair? Or will it just become irrelevant?