Tags

, , , , , ,

My husband was out of town last night.  So it was my daughter and I. Whenever he’s out of town I let my daughter sleep with me. I just feel better having her close. Not sure if its to comfort me or her. Either way its what we do. Out of the blue last night while we’re laying in bed she tells me “Mommy, thank you for having me. I really wanted to be alive. I appreciate that you did that for me” then kisses me. What FIVE year old thinks this deep and verbalizes it? She AMAZES me. Of course I cried and told her how lucky I am to have her as my little girl. There have been days where the only reason I have gotten out of bed – and continued to live – is because of her. We struggled to get pregnant with her. Took years and fertility treatments. She was SO worth all of it. Every tear I shed each month when I wasn’t pregnant. When I felt like I was never going to get pregnant. Never be a mom. It felt like hell at the time. But she was worth every single tear, every day my heart ached. Every procedure. The scary as hell emergency c-section and rough recovery. The sleepless nights. She was worth it all.

While we haven’t been good with each other, my husband and I are really good at showing her unconditional love. We’re really good at communicating with her. I tell her every single day how much I love her. How I will love her no matter what. That she is special to me. That even when we argue or I lose my patience with her – I still love her. We’ve made a safe environment for her to express herself. She’s allowed to tell us when she’s mad at us and why. We acknowledge her fears. We validate her feelings. We listen to her. We make time for her and prove to her that she is important through words and actions. Her confidence is off the charts. She could probably use a little humility! She told me about a boy at daycare that commented on how hairy she is. She is hairy, has been since the day she was born. Her reply to him was that yes she is hairy, but she’s still beautiful. And she means it. She believes it. She knows it. God, I hope nobody can ever take that confidence away from her.

If my daughter cheats on her husband or is the other woman, I’ll be disappointed. But I’ll still love her. She is going to do things that will hurt me. But I’ll still love her. I can’t imagine any scenario where I am not in a full loving relationship with her.

Why is it so easy to love our children – or am I delusional b/c she’s only 5 and I need to wait until she’s a teenager? Why does it seem so difficult to love our spouses the same way?Why can we be so good with her when we’ve fucked up “us” so badly?