, , , , , , ,

Last night my husband said he’s had enough. He can’t do this anymore. Today he’s said that he loves me more than anything but just can’t go on the way we’ve been. We sat in his car after meeting for lunch and he cried. I’ve been a hot mess. Our problems go beyond his affair. We have a long history together. A long history of causing each other pain. A long history of loving each other and many, many fun times and lots of love.

We love each other, yet don’t show it. We allow our pain and fear to cripple us. Its very sad, really. He told me last night that I need to figure out how to let him go. I’m not ready for that yet. I actually started a post yesterday before our conversation about letting go and didn’t post it. I may very well be on my way to getting a divorce. But it doesn’t change what I felt yesterday – and still feel today. Here were my thoughts…

I am letting go. Letting go of who I thought my husband should be instead of focusing on who he really is.  I’m letting go of the unrealistic expectations I’ve had in the past. I now know that I put unrealistic expectations on him, setting him up to fail. I’m letting go of the thought that he needs to be perfect. Rather, I accept him for who he is. Because he is actually pretty amazing. He’s an awesome father. Our daughter adores him. She gives “daddy’s girl” a whole new meaning. I enjoy watching them together. They dance and sing. Play. He takes her on dates. He is so invested in her and it shows in her confidence.  He’s a smart, savvy businessman. He started his own business about 5 years ago, which took courage. He values and treats his employees great. He is a dedicated brother and son. He recently bought his parents house so they wouldn’t lose it. He has taken over paying their bills, a burden he doesn’t really need. He has helped his siblings countless times with both money and just being there for them. He’s been the best husband he can possibly be to me. For a majority of our relationship I didn’t see how great he was. I was blinded by my own pain and trauma. My own issues. But he really has been more than I can ask for. While we may not always speak the same language and show our affection the same, he’s been there for me. He’s supported me, even if it didn’t feel like it. He’s believed in me. He’s pushed me to try new things and come out of my comfort zone. He’s brought adventure and thrill into our marriage. He has loved me the best way he knew how. He’s attractive too. Its funny that every other guy I find attractive has some similarity to my husband. A few times I’ve caught a glimpse of him from across a room in public without realizing its him and think “damn, he’s hot!”. Then realize I just checked out my own husband. The safest place I’ve ever felt is in his arms. Somewhere along the line, I allowed my own shit to get in the way of that. I’m letting go of the need to control my life and those around me. I didn’t really have control of anything anyway. I’m letting go of my perceptions without clarifying if they are correct. No more miscommunication and assumptions. I’m letting go of negative thoughts. You are what you think and you can’t have a positive life with a negative mind. I’m letting go of fear. Man, this one is hard. I’ve lived in fear for so long. Its become a way of life for me. But its not the life I want anymore. I’m letting go of my wall. I felt it was protecting me from hurt when in reality it only prevented me from loving and being loved fully. I’m letting go of the pain. I’m tired of it. Its a weight I don’t need to keep lifting. I’m letting go of resentment, and choosing forgiveness instead. I chose to forgive my husband for his affair. He hurt me more than I can ever describe but I forgive him. Forgiveness doesn’t mean his actions were acceptable. Forgiveness means I no longer allow it to control me and hold me back. I’m letting go of the need to focus on what else I may not know about his affair. Instead I will appreciate the moment I’m in. I’m letting go of allowing my past to dictate my future. I’m letting go of the edge. I have to jump in, all in, if my marriage has any chance of survival. I deserve it. He deserves it. WE deserve it.