I’m a walking contradiction of emotions lately. I have felt absolutely every emotion possible. They change constantly. Like a pendulum. I swing from hope to despair. Love to anger. Content to devastated. Wanting to keep fighting to accepting its over, learning to let go and walk away.
With the baby due exactly one month from today, we’re in a holding pattern. So, we’re still living with the plan to divorce yet aren’t doing anything to implement the plan. I suppose this limbo I’m living in would be easier if he was being an asshole. But he’s not. He’s been quite supportive. We still show some affection, though not alot. He’s done some very sweet things for me. Shown me he cares. He still talks and plans as if we’re going to be together. Maybe its just talk. Maybe I’m reading into it. Either way, its killing me.
The part of me that feels that divorce is inevitable wants to move out tomorrow. Rip the band aid off. Why wait? Why keep prolonging this? Its only hurting me more. Staying in the house, us living like we’re not about to get divorced – gives me false hope. I find that I’m still investing in our marriage. I’m still investing when I should be focused on finding somewhere to live, making sure I have the finances to support myself and two kids. I should be starting the next chapter of my life.
But yet, I find myself wanting my marriage to work still. When I am not so overwhelmed by everything, I find myself really enjoying his company. I find myself looking forward to our future. I feel stupid and weak for feeling this way. Why don’t I just walk away? I get pissed at myself for fighting so hard for a man that broke me. I get pissed at myself because while he’s doing some great things, he’s not fighting for me. So why am I hanging on? I feel like I have a fundamental flaw. Like I don’t know when to let go and move on.
I have so many confusing thoughts. Its hell living this way. In limbo. Making no real decisions. The only thing I know for certain is I will not beg him nor will I allow myself to be disrespected. I suppose that’s a start.