I was to return to work on Tuesday 10/13 from maternity leave. I was told on 10/7 that I no longer have a job. I actually had a gut feeling this was going to happen. It sucks, but it is what it is. I’m looking at this as an opportunity to reinvent myself. I had a quick pity party for myself but am proud of myself for how I’m handling it. My former employer is trying to screw me over, but I’m standing firm. I know my worth and will not back down. Its actually satisfying to know I’m holding my own and knowing my former employer realizes they underestimated me.
My son is almost two months old. He’s doing great. He has been sleeping about 6 hours a night for awhile now, which I’m SO grateful for. He’s starting to smile and getting so close to cooing. He’s a handsome little guy. He was put in my life for a reason.
My daughter has been amazing. She’s loving kindergarten and being a big sister. I’m so proud of her and impressed with how easy this life change has been for her.
My dad went back home about a week ago. My mom is staying until the second week of November. She’s been an amazing help. I think I’d have lost my sanity by now if she wasn’t here.
Things have been up and down with my husband, but right now I’d say we’re in a pretty decent place. I know it could change in an instant but I’m enjoying where we are today. We’ve made some progress in our communication and problem solving skills. When I live in the moment, I’m happy. I have fun.
The next stage of healing for me is learning to let go of the pain. It’s not my burden to carry and quite honestly, I’m exhausted from carrying it. I gain more from letting go than from hanging onto it. I saw a quote once that basically said that pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. I’ve been suffering. My husband’s affair was traumatic. Devastating. Paralyzing. Unfair. It caused so much pain. But it doesn’t have to cause suffering. I’ve always felt there is alot of power in choice. He chose poorly to say the least. But I have the power of how I choose to spend my life. There comes a time when if I chose to stay in this marriage, I have to let go. For me. For my children. For my marriage. Its difficult for sure. It feels like having a better marriage after an affair is a reward for him. But not moving on is a punishment to both of us.
I’m in no way saying that I didn’t need or deserve this time to process my pain, or even that I no longer feel pain. I’m not saying that he didn’t deserve some harsh words or to face the consequences of his actions. He needed to prove he’s worthy of me. Where the real change is occurring is both of us working hard. GROWING as individuals. Getting over our egos. Listening to each other. Showing compassion and care. Being brutally honest, even when it hurt. Letting go of our stubbornness. Letting go of our need to be right. Letting go of our need for control. And most importantly, allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. Its sad that it took an affair to bring this type of change. I will always hate the fact that my husband betrayed me that way. I will probably always have some sort of triggers, though I expect that they will lessen (they have already). We are going to San Francisco for a second time since I’ve learned of his affair. It still feels like the scene of the crime to me. But I will not allow her or what they did there to have that much power over me. Its a city. And I won’t avoid it or not live my life to the fullest because of his affair. This is my life. I only get one. Nothing, not even his affair, is important enough to ruin me and the very little precious time I have here. Life is too short to be unhappy. I deserve to be happy, fulfilled and whole. My children deserve a mother who is healthy and a good role model. My husband deserves a wife that accepts him, flaws and all. If I can’t do that, then why stay married?
We all experience trauma. Its what we do with the pain that defines us. We can either let it make us bitter, or we can use it to grow and flourish.