In this moment, right now, I feel frustrated. Disappointed. Exhausted. Defeated.
Its been a rough week. Lots of ups and downs. Baby boy is just over two months old and has had a cold for almost a week. He’s doing pretty good but its stressful. He wants to be held almost constantly. I can’t get anything done and have very little down time. And no me time.
My husband leaves for his week long trip tomorrow early in the morning. When this trip was planned I asked him to step up more with the kids for a few days before he left. To my disappointment he has not done this. Some things with his business partner have occurred and he is working to dissolve their partnership and this has taken over his time and energy. I get this. I recognize it. I am supportive of it to the best of my ability. This occurred on Tuesday. He came home from work steaming. I learned what happened. He wanted a little time alone to gain control of himself. I obliged. His nephew came over for a school project and they then went for a drive in my new car. I do need to pause and give him some credit here. I am not a car girl but the Dodge Challenger really catches my eye. I’ve said that I really like them. My husband found one in Michigan. He took care of all the details and basically said its ready for you to pick up. He couldn’t go with me so my mom and I drove to get it. Its fucking sexy. I really do love this car. More than the car and more than what it cost, I appreciate the time he put into making this happen. That means so much more to me than anything. He paid for the windows to be tinted because I mentioned I was considering doing it in the spring. He found a place and made an appointment. He got a car cover and battery tender for when it goes into storage (not driving it in winter, too much snow where I live).
Wednesday he had to work late to help one of his employees. They went for a beer after and met up with another friend/business contact. He then invited the business contact over to have a cigar. He knew I was sick. He knew I was counting on him to help out more in the days leading up to being gone for a week. Now, he did offer to stay up wit the baby for the night. After he had his cigar and visited with his friend of course. So he offered to help, but not really. His friend left around midnight. We ended up talking about this and were up most of the night. I ended up getting up and feeding our son anyways. During our conversation he explained what he was going through. His side of things. He says “you have to understand” to me a lot. And really, I don’t have to understand. I try to understand but I don’t have to. I can’t explain why I don’t like that statement, but I don’t. Maybe because it sounds and feels like “suck it up” and I’m done sucking it up. I’m choking on everything I’ve sucked up.
So we have that conversation, which was calm and rational and positive. We cuddled. Had sex. I’ve been telling him a lot lately that I need him to talk to me about his emotions. I don’t feel his remorse or empathy and I need that. In an effort to open up, he catalogued his day. What he did and what thoughts and emotions it evoked in him. He did this on his own, which meant a lot to me. That he heard what I said and did something to let me in. Its a step in the right direction.
Last night he had a card game (he plays every month). He did leave work early and come home and carve pumpkins with our daughter. Things got a little disrupted when his sister came over, but he did feed our son before leaving. He is taking this trip with his sister. I am meeting up with them on Tuesday though. They are going to a Raiders game this Sunday. His sister surprised him with tickets to go on the field and meet the players. I was working on the same surprise for him for when we go in December. I got upset and disappointed. I have some residual feelings of being abandoned and cast aside and easily replaced from his affair. This brought those feelings up for me. I reacted poorly. I got angry. I made it about me. I fully admit that. He said he doesn’t feel supported. But in reverse, why can’t I say “You have to understand that I was emotional? That my surprise for was ruined?” Its a two way street and will not live in a house of double standards.
He has already said he needs to pack and go to bed early tonight. I have to take our son to the doctor and our daughter to a party.
I think he feels because he’s done these other things (car, detailing his emotions, etc) that I shouldn’t be upset that he didn’t step up. Me being upset doesn’t negate any of the good he’s done. I don’t appreciate it any less. I haven’t forgotten about it. But it doesn’t mean that I don’t have a right to my feelings and emotions. The end result is that I asked for extra help before he leaves and didn’t get it. He fed our son once this week. He does get our daughter off to school. Mind you I try to have everything ready. I don’t always, but I do the majority of the time. I am understanding that things came up with work and in life in general. So why not back off of something else? Why not skip cards? He’s leaving for a week. Is it too much to ask for him to make a small sacrifice? What bothers me the most is that I specifically asked for the extra help. In the past I would have expected it without telling him and then be pissed when he didn’t help out. I’ve learned he doesn’t just know or think to do things like that. It still blows my mind, but he doesn’t just know. So I put it out there. Only to be let down. Only to hear all the reasons (excuses) he couldn’t help. Its disheartening and really makes me feel like me and our kids are not a priority for him. I am understanding that work comes up. But something always comes up. There is always some drama or crisis that I “have to understand” and be supportive of.
At the moment, it feels like supporting him comes at a price to me. A price that I’m not willing to pay long term. If I have my own emotions about something then I’m not supporting him. The biggest kicker is, that I don’t feel supported in return. That’s probably where the biggest issue lies. I said hey you let me down and got excuses in return and told he doesn’t feel supported. Well, guess what? Him only feeding our son once in a week, having changed a handful of diapers in two months, not giving any baths and getting up with him maybe 4 times makes me not feel supported. It makes me feel taken advantage of. Taken for granted. He told me that he appreciates everything I do and he couldn’t do it with out me. Which I do appreciate him saying. The sad thing is, I know I could do this alone. I did it alone for too long with our daughter and I told him I refuse to do it alone moving forward. I’m utterly confused about a lot things in my life right now. One thing I’m not confused about is that if I feel like a single parent – I may as well be a single parent.
I just wonder when does MY experience get consideration? When do MY feelings count and matter? When does he “have to understand” my side? When am I going to be supported?
The good news is I know these are just feelings. Feelings are just visitors. They come and go. I’ve learned I need to greet them but I don’t have to invite them to stay. I will not feel like this forever. Just from writing this I’m starting to feel better already.