Need Your Help, Please

Tags

adultery, affair, betrayed spouse, cheating, d-day, divorce, healing after affair, infidelity

I am seriously considering either writing a book or at least compiling some advice for couples affected by infidelity. I am not a writer, but find writing to be cathartic. If I can use writing to help myself heal and in turn help someone else, then maybe all of this pain can count for something.

I need some help. If you read this, could you please answer the following?

*What is the best advice you were given? Did you follow it?

*What is the worst advice you were given? Did you follow it?

*Did you work with a therapist? How did it help? Not help?

*What is something you wish you didn’t do after D-Day? Could be something destructive that caused more damage or could be that you didn’t stand up for yourself enough, etc.

*How long were you together before the affair occurred? Are you still together now? How long has it been since D-Day?

*What do your spouse do right after the affair to help the healing process?

*What did your spouse do wrong after the affair to help the healing process?

*What 3 pieces of advice would you give someone else who just found out or is still struggling to work through the pain?

 

Real or Fake?

Tags

adultery, affair, betrayed spouse, d-day, healing after affair, infidelity

My husband and I went to Detroit for the weekend. We went to see the Raiders play. Although disappointed with their loss, we had a great time.

We stayed at a casino and arrived on Saturday. We gambled a bit but were losing so didn’t play long. We had an amazing dinner at the casino that we got dressed up for. We went to a bar before the game and met a guy from Brazil, which was a fun experience. We taught him how to tail-gate and play flip cup. We also had some of the greatest sex we’ve ever had. He took a 4 hour nap in the middle of the day. He NEVER naps! He’s still talking about how tired he is. He commented that the sex we had this weekend is what he’s always imagined it would be like. We’ve had some great sex in our time, especially last year during hysterical bonding. So I asked what was different. He said he felt that we were both uninhibited and vulnerable.

During the weekend I had triggers. I felt pain. But I stayed in the moment. I enjoyed what was happening right then and there. Its hard to balance the pain of what he did vs. what he’s doing today. I hate him of 2012-2014. I happen to find him of today very sexy. Appealing. Thoughtful. Caring. A more involved husband and father. Its hard not to compare him to his past self. To not think, why didn’t you do this before? But, in fairness, he could do the same to me. And that won’t get us anywhere. We are both in this marriage because we love each other. Because we both have said there is just something neither of us can walk away from. Because we believe we have what it takes to make it. We have learned SO much in this past year. I hate that he had an affair. I hate that she exists in my life and existed in his. I hate it with every fiber of my being. BUT I love myself more.

On the drive home, we stopped about half way and watched The Hunger Games. In the movie, Peeta struggles with the trauma of the abuse he suffered from Snow. He states he doesn’t know what’s real anymore. He starts to ask what’s real and what’s fake. In many ways, I’ve felt the same. Betrayal makes you question everything. You don’t know what to believe. Perhaps that’s the biggest tragedy of infidelity. The lasting feeling of not knowing what’s real. What to trust. Who to trust. The person you trusted most and vowed to never hurt you did. And they did it knowingly. The entered it voluntarily. They continued to hurt you and deceive you on a daily basis for however long their affair lasted. In most cases the only reason you know is because they got caught. They didn’t confess. This shit could still be going on if you didn’t stumble upon it. And now you’re supposed to take their word that they’ve told you the truth about their affair. Even when the details don’t add up? What do you believe? Who do you trust?

Its like my head, my heart and my gut are in conflict. My head sees the logic. My head understands how my husband got so low that he could make such horrible choices. My head can comprehend how she was nothing but a filler. Had they both not been so damaged, his affair wouldn’t have happened. Or at least not with her. It would have been with some other sad, pathetic girl that has no self worth. No sense of respect for herself or others. A girl that is ok with being a married man’s ego boost. But as much as he used her, she used him. They both got some need filled. My head gets it. I do believe if he was happy in our marriage -and more importantly with himself – his affair would not have happened. My  head knows that while she filled a need temporarily, he ultimately wants me. And always has.

My heart is shattered. It physically aches. My hearts says he destroyed everything. Its afraid to love again. Its afraid that we can’t be repaired. My  heart is sad. My heart is struggling to get over this pain. The betrayal. The lies. The choice to hurt me. The fact he cared so little about me that he could cheat on me. He was the one person who was supposed to protect me. Keep me safe. He promised on 9/2/00 to love, honor and cherish me. To forsake all others til death do us part.

My gut told me he was cheating. I confronted him and he denied it. So my heart, not wanting to break, allowed my head to believe it. When I found out about her, initially he told me they spoke on the phone and never saw each other again. So my heart, not wanting to break, tried to convince my head to accept this. I was not so willing to just believe him this time. After finding the email and confronting him, he “confessed” to seeing her in SFO and having sex. My heart wants my head to believe. To accept and move on. My gut says, hold on. My gut says, I was right before. You didn’t listen to me and what happened? My gut says there are so many other details that don’t add up. Don’t ignore those. There’s “evidence” of more betrayal and lies. My gut says he’s still lying about how involved he became with her. That he saw her more than just two times. That their relationship was more meaningful to him than what he’s said. Or is that my heart being afraid and sending a warning? Or my head seeing details and facts? Or truly my instinct kicking in?

The truly tragic part is that I don’t know what to listen to. I suppose peace and healing is finding a place that I can listen to all three. Find balance and harmony. All three are correct in many ways.

I know that’s its possible that he is still lying about the details of his affair. I know that he could be doing so because he wants our marriage to move forward. He wants us to heal. And if he tells me more, it will stall our healing. Or I may leave. I also know its possible that he’s been honest. I know that my hesitation to not trust him and his account of his affair is a proper response to betrayal. What’s real and what’s fake?

So I take it one day at a time. Sometimes, one breath at a time. What I know for sure to be real is healing is a conscious choice. One that I make repeatedly. Its not easy. Its painful. Its unfair. But its necessary. Its necessary because I love myself more than I hate his affair. And that is definitely real.

 

 

A Few Good Reminders

Tags

adultery, affair, betrayed spouse, cheating, d-day, divorce, healing after affair, infidelity

My last post was about the end of my marriage. Shortly after I wrote that, my husband came home from work feeling sick. He opened up. Cried. He says he’s done when he feels like we are never going to heal. He says he’s done when he feels drained. I get it. I know he says it out of desperation and the pain we’re causing each other. I know he truly doesn’t want to not be with me. I’ve felt like saying I was done on many occasions. I guess the main difference is that I don’t say it in the heat of the moment.

It still hurts. To have been told many times that he’s done. We had a long talk on Friday. I left to visit a friend in Philadelphia for the weekend. We had good communication while I was gone. We’ve come to the conclusion that us  both being vulnerable is what will save us. If we can’t do that, we will not work.

The experience reminded me of a few things. It reminded me that I am worth fighting for. It reminded me that I am stronger than I think. It reminded me that I am capable and prepared to live without him.

It also reminded me that while I feel that my pain is more severe, he has pain too. It reminded me that he does love me and want to be with me. It reminded me that we both have to continue to work hard and be vulnerable to make this work. It reminded me that I do want this to work. And that in wanting that, I also have to do the work. It sucks. Its unfair. But its reality. I lost sight of that for awhile. I became consumed with my pain. It reminded me of this roller coaster. It also caused a change. We were both acting stubborn. I was at a point of not really giving a shit. I mean, deep down I did. But I didn’t want to show that I cared. Its why I allowed those guys in my hotel room. I knew what I was doing, I just didn’t care. I didn’t care about any consequences at that point. In the same respect, its why he talked to her in the first place. I had the sense to stop before anything happened. He, unfortunately, did not. It reminded me that he isn’t a bad person. He’s a good person that made some disgusting choices. It reminded me that he is trying to the best of his ability. It reminded me that sometimes we have to fall apart before we can put ourselves back together.

We had a nice talk this evening. I talked about all of my insecurities. How I still struggle to trust him completely. Believe him sometimes. Wonder if he’s lying. How for a long time I felt that he wanted her. He reassured me. Reminded me that he’s where he wants to be. That the premise of their relationship was her giving him advice on how to be a better husband (she probably should have given advice that him and her talking and having a secret relationship and sex is a bad idea but whatever). I know that he had a real chance with her. I know she wanted to be with him. That she loved him (or at least thought she did). He could have left me and pursued a relationship with her. But she isn’t what he wanted. She only had a spot in his life because of where our marriage was (I am in no way accepting responsibility for his affair, only that I know our marriage wasn’t great for some time before he made the choice). It doesn’t dull the pain or make any of it ok. Just reminds me that he may actually be telling me the truth when he says he loves me. That he’s loved me all along and just couldn’t get through to me. And at that point he gave up. That he needed to love himself too. He went about it ALL wrong. But I understand the necessity of loving yourself.

So, this roller coaster continues. I know the ups and downs are not over. I just hope that with a commitment to vulnerability on both of our parts, we can get to where we want. A healthy marriage where we both feel loved, supported and accepted for who we are.

 

Is The Fight Over Or Has It Just Begun?

Tags

adultery, affair, betrayed spouse, cheating, d-day, divorce, healing after affair, infidelity

During an argument last night my husband once again told me he’s done. I wish I would have listened the first time. It reminds me of a quote that says when people show you who they are, believe them the first time. When I saw the email of him telling her they couldn’t be together for several years because it would be too suspicious, my first thought was to email them both and tell them no need to wait, they can be together now. But I didn’t act in the moment. I didn’t do anything that would make the situation worse. And for what? In the end, none of it really mattered.

I’m not going to lie. This hurts. Really bad. My heart aches for the loss. For what my kids are going to endure. It hurts having your spouse cheat on you and then not be able to see the healing process through. I know he has his own source of pain from before the affair and it gets in his way, but it still hurts.

I made myself vulnerable and opened myself up to him in ways I haven’t in a really long time, maybe ever. I put myself out there. I came out of my comfort zone. In the past I’d shut down alot. I didn’t do that anymore. I could be mad at him and still have sex. I could put the anger, disappointment, etc in check and go have a good time with him. In some ways I regret that. Because I felt that I was only going to get hurt and I did. I feel like I should have known better. That if I’d kept my wall up, this wouldn’t hurt so bad. That if I didn’t let myself have hope, this wouldn’t hurt so bad.

Last night during our conversation he said there is some type of pull he feels toward me. That no matter how mad he is, one look and he is drawn back in. It sucks because I feel the same way. As he was talking to me all I wanted to do was kiss him. This morning he left for work and all I hoped for was for him to come back home and kiss me. Hold me. Tell me he loves me. Fight for me. But, that didn’t happen. Just about a week ago I told him I’m pretty low. Drained. I asked him to fight for us. I told him I don’t want him to save me. I want him to stand by me as I save myself. I don’t like admitting weakness. I don’t like admitting I need help. And I did that. Only to be pushed away. Only to have it not matter.

I’m looking for lessons in this whole thing. I think the biggest lesson I’ve learned is to love and value myself. To stand up for myself and what I believe in. To know that I am a strong, capable woman. And though this physically hurts right now, someday I will be ok. I am worth fighting for. So I will fight for myself. 

Its Time To Heal

Tags

adultery, affair, betrayed spouse, cheating, d-day, divorce, healing after affair, infidelity

I ended up going to Nashville. A good friend talked me into it. I went with the mindset that its a free trip to a place I’ve never been before. May as well go.

I went on Tuesday. At this time, I was still very angry with him. He was still being pretty shitty to me. The girl I drove down with and I arrived around 8pm. We cleaned up and went out. We got pretty drunk. Not being cocky, but I had alot of guys hit on me. I had some drinks bought for me. At the end of the night two guys came back to our hotel room. I thought she invited them, so I didn’t stop it. The one who was talking to me was married. I told him he needs to stop cheating on his wife. I told him he was going to devastate her and that I knew from experience. I told him that he still wears his wedding ring, so he must still be committed to her on some level. That I’m sure he’s in his own kind of pain, but cheating on her isn’t going to fix it. Whatever problems they have will be amplified and he’s going to possibly to lose her forever. That if he truly doesn’t want to be with her, then grow a set and leave her. Be a man and leave before betraying her. Quit being a selfish, asshole coward and do the right thing.  He left the room (I’m hoping his guilty conscious got the best of him) and his friend followed.

I told my husband about this. He sent me flowers to my hotel room with a card saying “I am sorry. Please forgive me. Let’s have fun. I love you” He wasn’t planning on getting into Nashville until late Wednesday night or even Thursday morning. He got there on Wednesday around dinner time. He hustled to get there. When he got there he was all over me. Now, he is usually quick to compliment me and isn’t afraid of PDA. But they way he was kissing me and touching me. They way he made sure I knew he was aroused to be next to me. It kind of felt like hysterical bonding a little. He did say he felt   anxious about the thought of another guy touching me. He asked me in many different ways if I’d done anything. I didn’t do a damn thing. I so easily could have, with these guys and plenty of others. I know they were only after sex. But I could have gotten their phone numbers and started a relationship with them. I could have lied to him about it. I could have had an affair. And I didn’t. Because its not who I am. Because I did the right thing. And in this instance, I was a better person than my husband. The experience kind of pissed me off. Thinking that how I behaved is how he should have. But he didn’t. And the shoulda, coulda, woulda’s are killing me. I know I have to find a way to let it go. Let it all go, for ME.

It sucks that feeling like letting go is letting him off the hook. Condoning what he did. Making his affair ok. I guess I need to love myself more than hating his affair. To borrow the words of marriagerecovery:  The scars of the adultery remain but they don’t have to disfigure your life.

Life’s Not Fair, Is It?

Tags

adultery, affair, betrayed spouse, cheating, d-day, divorce, healing after affair, infidelity

In my last post I said feelings are just visitors. And they are. I have some visitors right now called anger, resentment, disappointment and hurt. Its fair to say even hate has joined the mix. I know I won’t feel like this forever, but it doesn’t change how I’m feeling right now. I have learned that in order to send them packing I have to invite them in. I need to feel their presence. Process them. And then make the conscious choice that they aren’t staying. They cannot take permanent residence in my mind, heart and soul. I have to decide to make them leave. Easier said than done.

My husband is on his trip. We had a huge text fight on his first day. It boiled down to him buying a wine. One that has Lodi on the label. Lodi, CA is where the grapes are from. Lodi, CA is also where she is from. Very early on in our post affair existence I told him that the wine with Lodi on it was a trigger. I was met with defensiveness and really just a shitty attitude. He said he found the wine before meeting her. He doesn’t drink it because it has any tie to her. He didn’t even notice Lodi on the label. May all be true. But the fact is that him ignoring the fact that its a trigger and continuing to drink it causes me pain. Apparently, until yesterday he didn’t grasp this fact. That he was knowingly and willingly doing something that caused me pain. I’m truly shocked because we’ve had the conversation several times, even in therapy. He does a grand gesture like buying me a car yet can’t do something as simple as not buying a fucking wine that is a trigger for me. Blows my mind.

He told me he thought I was trying to change him and that’s unfair. Want to know what’s unfair? Unfair is your spouse sneaking around behind your back for a year and a half. Unfair is your spouse lying to you every single day while they are having an affair. Unfair is how shitty they treated you while they were behaving in the most despicable way. Unfair is your spouse making plans to see their “friend” on a special trip. Unfair is staying at home with your child while your spouse is off having a great time, living life as a single person. Unfair is when your spouse is breaking their wedding vows and you are sitting at home, again with your child, honoring yours. Unfair is having your spouse make time for someone else. Unfair is your spouse abandoning you and your child. Unfair is your spouse inviting an unknown and unwelcome third party into your marriage. Unfair is having the sacredness and sanctity of your marriage invaded. Unfair is your spouse thinking your marriage is over so they go and find someone else without having the decency to tell you. Unfair is having your secrets told to someone that you didn’t give permission to be told, or are even aware this person is in the picture. Unfair is your spouse having sex with another person. Unprotected sex at that. Unfair is your spouse doing all this and not having any regrets, remorse or empathy until after you find out. Unfair is you fighting to keep your marriage together after they betray you. Unfair is having to suck up your pride. Unfair is having to work so fucking hard to keep a marriage together with someone who cheated on you. Unfair is having to live with the consequences of their actions. Unfair is living with triggers every single day. Triggers that are caused by their choices. Unfair is no longer being able to hear or think about Las Vegas, San Francisco, New Orleans and Nashville without thinking about your spouse’s affair. Unfair is not being able to hear Lodi, the state of CA, the name Lindsay, the name Jones, see a late 20’s blond without thinking about his affair. Unfair is when my husband touches me, wondering if he touched her the same way. Unfair is having my life permanently altered by his weak choices. That’s unfair.

I’m left thinking, at least right now in this moment, that I should just end this marriage. I can not be with someone who is willing to hurt me intentionally or at least knowingly. Which isn’t that the same thing? He knew his affair would hurt me. Yet did it anyways. I told him getting the wine hurts me. Yet he did it anyways. That’s not the actions of a man that loves and honors his wife. Its the actions of a selfish man, only concerned with himself. Feeling like he’s being “controlled”. He has done some great, positive things. I will give him that. At the moment though, the good isn’t outweighing the bad. I deserved better when he was cheating on me. And I deserve better now.

When he initially had the reaction about the wine I was too weak and afraid to leave. I’m no longer that girl. I was on my own for a year and a half while he “acted out” and was just fine. I was an emotional wreck, but I managed and did what needed to be done for my daughter. I’m stronger now emotionally. I know I can be on my own. During his affair he taught me how to live without him. He was a good teacher. Maybe too good. I was reminded last night of this as we trick or treated without him.

I am supposed to meet him and his sister in Nashville on Tuesday. As it stands now I am not going. I don’t think I can be around him and act like nothing is wrong. I also think some time apart may be good. I’m looking at taking my own trip next week. I can’t think and quiet my mind when I’m taking care of two kids and pretending my marriage isn’t in shambles while my mom is here.

I’m too tired to keep fighting. I’m exhausted and just don’t have much more to give. This is starting to cost me too much.  I can feel myself starting to withdraw. Starting to just put my walls back up. Because this is too painful.

I feel like so much damage has been done, I don’t see a way through it. I don’t see me healing with him. I just don’t know how that’s possible. At least not right now. His affair caused so much hurt. Loss of trust. Loss of respect. Loss of love. Then he added to that with his behavior after I found out. Things he’s said, done and refused to do have twisted the knife and dug it deeper. And I don’t know if there’s any coming back from that. At least not while the knife is continuing to be stabbed into me.

These feelings are here. Visiting. I won’t allow them to stay long. But they’re here for a reason. I need to invite them in, listen to them. Then, when I’m ready, make them leave.