In my last post I said feelings are just visitors. And they are. I have some visitors right now called anger, resentment, disappointment and hurt. Its fair to say even hate has joined the mix. I know I won’t feel like this forever, but it doesn’t change how I’m feeling right now. I have learned that in order to send them packing I have to invite them in. I need to feel their presence. Process them. And then make the conscious choice that they aren’t staying. They cannot take permanent residence in my mind, heart and soul. I have to decide to make them leave. Easier said than done.
My husband is on his trip. We had a huge text fight on his first day. It boiled down to him buying a wine. One that has Lodi on the label. Lodi, CA is where the grapes are from. Lodi, CA is also where she is from. Very early on in our post affair existence I told him that the wine with Lodi on it was a trigger. I was met with defensiveness and really just a shitty attitude. He said he found the wine before meeting her. He doesn’t drink it because it has any tie to her. He didn’t even notice Lodi on the label. May all be true. But the fact is that him ignoring the fact that its a trigger and continuing to drink it causes me pain. Apparently, until yesterday he didn’t grasp this fact. That he was knowingly and willingly doing something that caused me pain. I’m truly shocked because we’ve had the conversation several times, even in therapy. He does a grand gesture like buying me a car yet can’t do something as simple as not buying a fucking wine that is a trigger for me. Blows my mind.
He told me he thought I was trying to change him and that’s unfair. Want to know what’s unfair? Unfair is your spouse sneaking around behind your back for a year and a half. Unfair is your spouse lying to you every single day while they are having an affair. Unfair is how shitty they treated you while they were behaving in the most despicable way. Unfair is your spouse making plans to see their “friend” on a special trip. Unfair is staying at home with your child while your spouse is off having a great time, living life as a single person. Unfair is when your spouse is breaking their wedding vows and you are sitting at home, again with your child, honoring yours. Unfair is having your spouse make time for someone else. Unfair is your spouse abandoning you and your child. Unfair is your spouse inviting an unknown and unwelcome third party into your marriage. Unfair is having the sacredness and sanctity of your marriage invaded. Unfair is your spouse thinking your marriage is over so they go and find someone else without having the decency to tell you. Unfair is having your secrets told to someone that you didn’t give permission to be told, or are even aware this person is in the picture. Unfair is your spouse having sex with another person. Unprotected sex at that. Unfair is your spouse doing all this and not having any regrets, remorse or empathy until after you find out. Unfair is you fighting to keep your marriage together after they betray you. Unfair is having to suck up your pride. Unfair is having to work so fucking hard to keep a marriage together with someone who cheated on you. Unfair is having to live with the consequences of their actions. Unfair is living with triggers every single day. Triggers that are caused by their choices. Unfair is no longer being able to hear or think about Las Vegas, San Francisco, New Orleans and Nashville without thinking about your spouse’s affair. Unfair is not being able to hear Lodi, the state of CA, the name Lindsay, the name Jones, see a late 20’s blond without thinking about his affair. Unfair is when my husband touches me, wondering if he touched her the same way. Unfair is having my life permanently altered by his weak choices. That’s unfair.
I’m left thinking, at least right now in this moment, that I should just end this marriage. I can not be with someone who is willing to hurt me intentionally or at least knowingly. Which isn’t that the same thing? He knew his affair would hurt me. Yet did it anyways. I told him getting the wine hurts me. Yet he did it anyways. That’s not the actions of a man that loves and honors his wife. Its the actions of a selfish man, only concerned with himself. Feeling like he’s being “controlled”. He has done some great, positive things. I will give him that. At the moment though, the good isn’t outweighing the bad. I deserved better when he was cheating on me. And I deserve better now.
When he initially had the reaction about the wine I was too weak and afraid to leave. I’m no longer that girl. I was on my own for a year and a half while he “acted out” and was just fine. I was an emotional wreck, but I managed and did what needed to be done for my daughter. I’m stronger now emotionally. I know I can be on my own. During his affair he taught me how to live without him. He was a good teacher. Maybe too good. I was reminded last night of this as we trick or treated without him.
I am supposed to meet him and his sister in Nashville on Tuesday. As it stands now I am not going. I don’t think I can be around him and act like nothing is wrong. I also think some time apart may be good. I’m looking at taking my own trip next week. I can’t think and quiet my mind when I’m taking care of two kids and pretending my marriage isn’t in shambles while my mom is here.
I’m too tired to keep fighting. I’m exhausted and just don’t have much more to give. This is starting to cost me too much. I can feel myself starting to withdraw. Starting to just put my walls back up. Because this is too painful.
I feel like so much damage has been done, I don’t see a way through it. I don’t see me healing with him. I just don’t know how that’s possible. At least not right now. His affair caused so much hurt. Loss of trust. Loss of respect. Loss of love. Then he added to that with his behavior after I found out. Things he’s said, done and refused to do have twisted the knife and dug it deeper. And I don’t know if there’s any coming back from that. At least not while the knife is continuing to be stabbed into me.
These feelings are here. Visiting. I won’t allow them to stay long. But they’re here for a reason. I need to invite them in, listen to them. Then, when I’m ready, make them leave.
healingafterhisaffair 
Ugh… This post rings so true. It’s so fucking unfair all that they did. I’m sorry that you are feeling there is no hope for your marriage but I’m glad you are stronger and know you deserve better. Hang in there.
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I think you’re on the right path! Feelings are feelings – they’re natural part of who we are and respond to our situations. But they’re only one voice out of many (emotions, reason, ethics, values….) that help us make decisions, but at the end of the day, we make our decisions.
Life is totally unfair. And sometimes, it’s good, and sometimes it’s bad. This whole situation is unfair to you, but now both you and him have to get through this. You can’t change what cards were dealt, but you can decide how you’ll play.
Him saying you trying to change him … is he right? In some ways, him cheating – is that “who he is”? Isn’t it a good thing that he should be changing for the better? I think we all need to change as we grow, and we should strive to become “better” people. You’re changing as well. So for him, instead of taking it as a negative, he should really be thinking – what exactly is he changing into? And is this a good thing if it means being a better husband, and a better man? He should also realize that changing certain behaviours is different than changing as a person. Him doing things that should respect you (eg. not drinking a certain wine), doesn’t change ‘who he is’, but simply to avoid certain behaviours that hurt you. If he’s unwilling to do that, then that shows what kind of person he is more than sticking to drinking the same label of wine.
He will feel controlled, just as you will feel abandoned sometimes. But if you guys can communicate honestly and listen to each other, and respond honestly without fear, then it might help with these feelings of control, as you’re both working together rather than apart.
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Thank you. You had some very insightful comments. I think his overall point of making his comment about change is simply about the wine. I will give him credit for some very positive changes that he’s made. When it comes to the wine, I don’t think he truly gets it. To him its just a wine. He doesn’t (or least didn’t until yesterday) understand the pain it brought me and why and how we was continuing to contribute to my pain. So to him, it was just me trying to tell him what to do.
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It is very unfair. I’ve told H there’s no question that he WILL have to change if this is going to work. If he doesn’t change, then he’s still a man who will cheat, and if that’s who he’s going to be, then we can’t be together. It’s not me changing him, it’s him wanting to change and grow to be a better man. But, I know I have to change and grow as well – and I’ve told H that I hope he ends up loving the “new me”. There’s no guarantee that he will.
As far as the wine, I totally get it, and surely he can find something he likes that doesn’t trigger these feelings for you. There’s lots of wine out there! H is still learning about triggers, but he’s slowly beginning to see the we get along better on days when I’m not reminded of his selfish behavior,which is a win- win.
Hang in there…
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All of those things on your list are unfair. SO fucking unfair. I’m sure there are a hundred other wines your husband could buy. Is it really such a huge inconvenience when he’s helping you to heal? Sending you strength. I hope your visitors leave in good time. SWxo
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You mean to tell me you really begrudge your husband drinking wine from the town that his whore hails from??? Really??
Of course you fucking do!! Anything that has anything to do with the affair, is gonna be a big no no for you and the sooner your husband realizes this the better. I fucking hate every city they fucked in, Lexus cars, her home town, her kids names, her name, the London fucking Eye, anything that reminds me that my husband fucked her when he should have kept his dick in his pants and his tongue in his mouth!!!
If your husband wants to keep you and keep his marriage intact, despite his stupidity, he needs to get with the program as soon as possible. You are not being unreasonable to expect him to be a little more thoughtful.
Hope he figures it out soon xx
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I loved your post about feelings the other day and then reading your post today……it is what happens to us on this shit journey . There are days when things are just floating positively along and we are able to cope with most circumstances and then bang…..we get something like the wine. We all have them just in different forms. I am beginning to see a pattern here. When we get to this point where you are right now with him drinking this wine you are letting him know exactly how you feel about it and now it is up to him to realise this and do something. Of course their first defence is his reaction to you wanting him to change but it is not that. It is the fact you are hurting and he is hurting you even more. He has to get it. If he doesn’t then he is not doing the work. Simple.
My H and I go through the this same scenario just different issues. He is now learning not to be so fucking defensive and to just accept my feeling and thoughts and only then are we able to move on.
Stand your ground. Be strong. Let him do the work that he needs to do. The real work, not buying you gifts ( which is lovely) but the hard work to show you he gets it. Xxxx
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Thank you. I feel the same about the gifts. It now feels like an easy out. One that doesn’t require him to do the hard work required to be supportive of me. He put me in this hell and isn’t do everything he can to help, which makes the whole thing even worse. Its not that he hasn’t done anything or made or changes for the better. Its just something so simple as avoiding a wine for awhile. That’s it.
I’m just so very tired of this whole thing. I didn’t have the damn affair but I feel like I’m the one doing the majority of the work and fighting for this marriage. I don’t have the strength any more.
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I could have written this, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this — that so many of us have a similar story.
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It’s striking that it is easier for him to buy you a car than it is for him to give up one simple, tiny thing like a brand of wine. I guess the big picture question I would be asking at this point is….if he can’t give on the little requests, how will he bend on the big ones? And really nothing is little when it comes to affair recovery. It is very unfair for him to say YOU are trying to change HIM. Nope. HE changed HIMSELF. He changed himself into a cheater, even if it was temporary, and that has far-reaching consequences. My husband struggles with this concept as well. We are over three years out, and I think it baffles him as to why certain things still trigger me. How certain emotions can flood back in and bring me to my knees. Certainly, as you say, these emotions are just visitors. I no longer allow them to unpack and make a cozy bed on my couch. I bounce back quicker. But we did have to have a long and serious discussion along the the lines of…..you did this, it will always have an impact and if you aren’t ok with that? There’s the door. You want to stay in the marriage? Then do your part. My part is wrestling with recovery. Fighting off bad thoughts and emotions. Not acting on them, not bringing up the hurt deliberately. It just takes time. They want it to be over, gone and forgotten so MUCH.
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I’ve had similar thoughts. I’m not asking for grand gestures. Just simple things. Until I really spelled it out that by him getting that wine he was willingly and knowingly hurting me, he didn’t get it. He was too wrapped up in his own shit to bother to look at me and the pain he’s caused and continues to cause. I should note that I don’t believe this wine has made it into my home. He’s back and I haven’t seen the wine.
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