I ended up going to Nashville. A good friend talked me into it. I went with the mindset that its a free trip to a place I’ve never been before. May as well go.
I went on Tuesday. At this time, I was still very angry with him. He was still being pretty shitty to me. The girl I drove down with and I arrived around 8pm. We cleaned up and went out. We got pretty drunk. Not being cocky, but I had alot of guys hit on me. I had some drinks bought for me. At the end of the night two guys came back to our hotel room. I thought she invited them, so I didn’t stop it. The one who was talking to me was married. I told him he needs to stop cheating on his wife. I told him he was going to devastate her and that I knew from experience. I told him that he still wears his wedding ring, so he must still be committed to her on some level. That I’m sure he’s in his own kind of pain, but cheating on her isn’t going to fix it. Whatever problems they have will be amplified and he’s going to possibly to lose her forever. That if he truly doesn’t want to be with her, then grow a set and leave her. Be a man and leave before betraying her. Quit being a selfish, asshole coward and do the right thing. He left the room (I’m hoping his guilty conscious got the best of him) and his friend followed.
I told my husband about this. He sent me flowers to my hotel room with a card saying “I am sorry. Please forgive me. Let’s have fun. I love you” He wasn’t planning on getting into Nashville until late Wednesday night or even Thursday morning. He got there on Wednesday around dinner time. He hustled to get there. When he got there he was all over me. Now, he is usually quick to compliment me and isn’t afraid of PDA. But they way he was kissing me and touching me. They way he made sure I knew he was aroused to be next to me. It kind of felt like hysterical bonding a little. He did say he felt anxious about the thought of another guy touching me. He asked me in many different ways if I’d done anything. I didn’t do a damn thing. I so easily could have, with these guys and plenty of others. I know they were only after sex. But I could have gotten their phone numbers and started a relationship with them. I could have lied to him about it. I could have had an affair. And I didn’t. Because its not who I am. Because I did the right thing. And in this instance, I was a better person than my husband. The experience kind of pissed me off. Thinking that how I behaved is how he should have. But he didn’t. And the shoulda, coulda, woulda’s are killing me. I know I have to find a way to let it go. Let it all go, for ME.
It sucks that feeling like letting go is letting him off the hook. Condoning what he did. Making his affair ok. I guess I need to love myself more than hating his affair. To borrow the words of marriagerecovery: The scars of the adultery remain but they don’t have to disfigure your life.