My last post was about the end of my marriage. Shortly after I wrote that, my husband came home from work feeling sick. He opened up. Cried. He says he’s done when he feels like we are never going to heal. He says he’s done when he feels drained. I get it. I know he says it out of desperation and the pain we’re causing each other. I know he truly doesn’t want to not be with me. I’ve felt like saying I was done on many occasions. I guess the main difference is that I don’t say it in the heat of the moment.
It still hurts. To have been told many times that he’s done. We had a long talk on Friday. I left to visit a friend in Philadelphia for the weekend. We had good communication while I was gone. We’ve come to the conclusion that us both being vulnerable is what will save us. If we can’t do that, we will not work.
The experience reminded me of a few things. It reminded me that I am worth fighting for. It reminded me that I am stronger than I think. It reminded me that I am capable and prepared to live without him.
It also reminded me that while I feel that my pain is more severe, he has pain too. It reminded me that he does love me and want to be with me. It reminded me that we both have to continue to work hard and be vulnerable to make this work. It reminded me that I do want this to work. And that in wanting that, I also have to do the work. It sucks. Its unfair. But its reality. I lost sight of that for awhile. I became consumed with my pain. It reminded me of this roller coaster. It also caused a change. We were both acting stubborn. I was at a point of not really giving a shit. I mean, deep down I did. But I didn’t want to show that I cared. Its why I allowed those guys in my hotel room. I knew what I was doing, I just didn’t care. I didn’t care about any consequences at that point. In the same respect, its why he talked to her in the first place. I had the sense to stop before anything happened. He, unfortunately, did not. It reminded me that he isn’t a bad person. He’s a good person that made some disgusting choices. It reminded me that he is trying to the best of his ability. It reminded me that sometimes we have to fall apart before we can put ourselves back together.
We had a nice talk this evening. I talked about all of my insecurities. How I still struggle to trust him completely. Believe him sometimes. Wonder if he’s lying. How for a long time I felt that he wanted her. He reassured me. Reminded me that he’s where he wants to be. That the premise of their relationship was her giving him advice on how to be a better husband (she probably should have given advice that him and her talking and having a secret relationship and sex is a bad idea but whatever). I know that he had a real chance with her. I know she wanted to be with him. That she loved him (or at least thought she did). He could have left me and pursued a relationship with her. But she isn’t what he wanted. She only had a spot in his life because of where our marriage was (I am in no way accepting responsibility for his affair, only that I know our marriage wasn’t great for some time before he made the choice). It doesn’t dull the pain or make any of it ok. Just reminds me that he may actually be telling me the truth when he says he loves me. That he’s loved me all along and just couldn’t get through to me. And at that point he gave up. That he needed to love himself too. He went about it ALL wrong. But I understand the necessity of loving yourself.
So, this roller coaster continues. I know the ups and downs are not over. I just hope that with a commitment to vulnerability on both of our parts, we can get to where we want. A healthy marriage where we both feel loved, supported and accepted for who we are.