I met with a new therapist yesterday. One who is trained in EMDR. I went in with an open mind and hope, but few expectations. I had a great first session. We simply talked about what trauma I’ve experienced that put me here.
After one session, I feel more hopeful than I have in a long time. My personal therapist is great. I’ve come a long way with her. The new therapist said had I not done the work I already have I wouldn’t be ready for EMDR yet. But this therapist is the first person (aside from other betrayed spouses) to truly get it. She said things that I’ve felt and thought for awhile now. Like how my brain and heart don’t match. It felt like a weight lifted off me during our session. Just to know she gets it. She gets what I’m going through. And she isn’t telling me to get over it. To re-think it. She understood exactly how and why I’m stuck. Her focus is on healing my past, where my personal therapist and marriage counselor have been working on the present. Its what needed to be done though. Its like being in a car accident and being rushed to the ER. The doctors will assess you and focus on the most critical wounds. They stop the bleeding first, then worry about other damage. My personal and marriage therapists stopped the bleeding. This new therapist is now going to repair the internal damage.
She is confident that she can help me and that it shouldn’t take very long. That I will be able to hear Las Vegas, San Francisco and all of my other triggers and not get that sick feeling wash over me. That I’ll be able to go to these cities. That they will once again just be cities to me. I want that more than anything. I used to get that sick feeling from the name Matt (abusive ex), anything to do with domestic violence and abortion. I no longer have those feelings associated with the memories. They are simply memories. Memories I really don’t have much at all anymore. I’m hopeful that I will get to this point with my husband’s affair.
EMDR won’t erase the memories. It won’t erase the damage done. There will still be a scar. But I’m hopeful that I can stop picking at this open wound and let it heal. The scar can become a symbol of my strength. A reminder of how much I’ve grown. What I’ve survived.
I’m not working and have no health insurance at the moment, so I’m self paying. She cut me a break and is charging a little less than her regular rate and its still $115 a session. To get the best results she recommended I go weekly. My husband offered to pay for all of my sessions with her (we do our money separate) without me asking for anything. He said he’s invested in me. He wants to see me heal. Not just from what he’s done but from the abuse and abortion as well. All he’s ever wanted is to see me happy and whole. Its times like these that I am reminded that he is a good person. I do lose sight of that in all of my pain, anger, disappointment and resentment.
Here’s to turning the page and starting a new chapter….