My Letter to His Other Woman

Lindsay,

We have never met, yet you were a part of my marriage for 18 months. I know my husband invited you into our marriage, but let me be clear – you were not welcome.

Who do you think you are? What gave you the right to think that you could get involved with my husband? Yes, I know he contacted you after your initial meeting. But a 20 something gal with her shit together would have told him to fuck off. Seriously. But you aren’t that girl are you? You have to a special kind of train wreck to allow yourself to be treated as second rate. Which you were. Are you proud of yourself?

I’m not going to pretend that my husband isn’t at fault. He is. He acted like a massive piece of shit while he was involved with you. He is responsible for his own behavior. He is responsible for the pain he has caused me. He is the one who made marriage vows to me and then broke them. But you could have prevented yourself from being the other woman. You could have had a shred of self worth and human decency and told him, “You may cheat on your wife, but it won’t be with me”. Its actually not that difficult, I’ve told a few men those words. But I’m a woman with morals, dignity and self worth.

What was so attractive about a man that was actively betraying his wife? A man that was abandoning his toddler? Did the fact that he had a wife and child yet wanted to talk to you make you feel special? Did having to keep you hidden make you feel special? Did you think that while he was lying his ass off to me that he was being honest with you? Were you really that naive?

Do you even know why you? I definitely wrestled with it. I figured you HAD to have something I didn’t. You know what it was? You talked to him. That simple. He was so low he jumped at the first desperate girl that made herself available. Still feel special?

Our marriage was definitely at a very low point before he met you. He was also depressed and had given up. Its true I wasn’t fulfilling his needs. I made him feel rejected. This is what he used as fuel to justify his affair. He now understands that these are his issues and his affair with you was completely wrong nor my fault in any way. My point here is that had he either addressed these issues for himself or our marriage was better, you wouldn’t have been in his life at all.

I feel sorry for you. Its pathetic that you fell in love with a married man. That you thought destiny brought you together. That you thought you had this amazing connection. Its really sad that you thought you had some kind of future with him. Its sad that you finally chased David away because of this. I feel sorry for you that you emotionally invested in a man that didn’t want you. You were simply a means to an end. He felt like shit about himself so he used you to feel better. You were a filler. A boost to his ego.

I don’t feel sorry for any pain you are in. You brought that upon yourself.

I wanted to destroy your life and make you pay once upon a time. But that’s not me. I am better than that. I am better than you. I hope you get your life together before you play a role in destroying another marriage.

The affair you had with my husband has caused me immeasurable pain. I am still haunted by it every day. Being on the receiving end of betrayal creates deep wounds. I was cheated on by a man I gave half my life to. Hell, you are still the last woman he had sex with in San Francisco. So congrats to you. Hope it was worth it.  Yes, I was lied to. Duped. Taken advantage of. I sat at home and remained a loyal and faithful wife while he turned to you. I remained the consistent parent for our daughter. I tucked her in to bed, alone, the night you fucked my husband. I upheld my vows even though he broke them with you. And it hurts like hell.

But, even in this emotional hell I am fighting to get out of, I’d still rather be the betrayed wife. I’d still rather be me than you. I am the only one of the three of us that did the right thing when nobody was looking. I’m the one that wasn’t hurting another human being with my selfishness and ego. I am the one that wasn’t so broken that I devastated an innocent person that I’ve never met. That is your burden to carry.

M

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Holding On

 

Someone recently asked if we could draw a line. Just say – what happened has happened. It can’t be changed. Just take the lessons learned and move forward. Can we let “it” go? Or more to the point, can I let his affair go? Can I let go of the pain and allow us to move forward?

I want to let the past be. I’m tired of living this way. Its hard to stay on the right side of the drawn line when I’m triggered. Or when he acts like a jerk, is insensitive, selfish or just otherwise an asshole.

But hanging on to the pain is only hurting me. I have felt that if I just let it go, he won’t realize how serious it was. Or how close he was and still is to losing me. That he won’t learn the lessons. Or that my pain doesn’t matter. That my experience is somehow minimized and unimportant. In reality, I can’t make him see or feel anything. If I feel that he doesn’t care about me or the pain he’s caused me then I really have to decide if I can live with it or not. If I can, then I have to let it be. If I can’t, its time to leave. Taking emotions out, it really is that simple.

I guess that’s where I am and the decision I have to make. Do I hold on to my marriage or do I hold on to my pain?

Is This Love?

We’ve had some setbacks lately. Most times, what initially looks like the end or a major roadblock, ends up opening communication and better understanding of one another. We did have a good conversation. I was able to address my concerns without him getting defensive. He listened. He tried to understand. Which is good. There was a time he was so damn defensive. I’m glad to see that growth in him.

However, lately I’m feeling like this marriage is SO MUCH WORK. I don’t feel like it should be this hard. I know we are in the aftermath of the affair shit storm. It just seems like every time I start to get firm footing, the foundation crumbles under me. I feel like I’m losing the energy and desire to keep fighting. We’ve addressed with our therapist how this feels like a ton of work, and did before his affair. She said she sees a solid foundation that she doesn’t see very often. That even while nibbling on our shit sandwich, we still show each other compassion. We still have good times. We still make great partners and friends. I don’t disagree, but I wonder if its enough.

In my personal therapy I’ve talked about how I don’t know if there is still love in this marriage. I mean, there’s love. I love him as the father of my children. I love him as a man I’ve spent more then half my life with. I’m talking romantic love. The kind of love a husband and wife should share. I read many blogs, articles, books, etc on the topic of infidelity. The women (and men) that stay talk about how much they still love their spouse. Love is the main reason they stayed. I don’t recall a time when I said I’m staying because I love him. I’m not comparing my reasons for staying as I know my journey is unique to me, but rather just wondering if that’s why this feels like so much work.

I think about events during our relationship. There are many great, heart warming moments. He’s done some amazing things to show his love for me. Many years ago he sent me on a “treasure” hunt. He got my friend involved and gave me clues of spots that were meaningful to us (I still have the clues he gave me). The last stop was my friend’s house where he had a new outfit waiting for me. He had a limo pick me up and took me to dinner. We live on one of the Great Lakes and thus beaches. He once had a friend set up a candlelight picnic for us. I remember walking up the beach and seeing a picnic table all set up. I commented on how romantic it was. We kept walking closer and closer to the table. I didn’t realize it was for us and he had to tell me. He has planned trips and kept the destination a surprise. He did so as recently as December. He has done some incredibly romantic things for me, which our therapist has said she doesn’t see very often. On the flip side, he’s done some incredibly hurtful things to me. For a time, he was a different man. That different man was a self centered prick. That man did many shitty, disrespectful things that portray anything but love. That man was a liar. That man was a cheater. That man was a coward. That man was an asshole. That man lived his life without regard to anyone around him. That man didn’t care who he hurt. That man acted entitled. I hate that man.

Maybe I don’t know which man I have now?

Is there love here but so much resentment, anger and fallout from years of dysfunction that I’m having difficulty seeing it? Am I so afraid of him hurting me again that I won’t allow the love in?

Or is it just not here anymore? Has there been too much damage to recover?

I’m not sure. I wish I knew the answer. It would certainly make my life a little easier.