I recently watched a talk show that focused on infidelity. One of the couples had some great insight and advice. The husband cheated. She seemed genuinely happy and at peace with her choice to stay. It took time and hard work to get there.
This woman’s advice to the betrayed is to opt out of anger. You have to replace the thoughts of who he was with who he is. Tell him who you see now, not who you saw. Focus on the positive. Stay in the present. Don’t be around miserable, bitter people. Surround yourself with people who strengthen you and tell you the truth. Most of what needs to happen to heal comes down to choice. Your husband needs to prove himself again, yes. He’s got alot of work to do. But ultimately you have to make the choice to move forward. To let go of the anger and resentment. To let love back in.Because without that choice, he can do absolutely everything and it won’t make a difference.
Her husband’s advice to the one who cheated is to look at yourself. Take responsibility. You can find a way to justify your affair but its really a shortcoming in yourself. Its YOUR insecurity. Its your insecurity that you turned into your spouse’s issue. Disloyal spouses have triggers. You use the trigger to justify your affair even though you know its wrong. You have to identify the trigger in yourself and face it. You went looking for a missing piece of your life. But you looked in the wrong place. You needed to look inside yourself. Inside your home. You can’t fix what’s wrong inside your home by going outside it. You have betrayed and devastated someone you claim to love. Someone you were supposed to protect. You have work to do to make things right. You need to reaffirm her. Regularly. You need to consistently show her you are a new man. Create an atmosphere for both of you to thrive.
On this show it was also stated that if everyone was held to their past and their mistakes we’d all be in trouble. I agree. I certainly would be. I have grown into who I am today. My successes and failures are a part of that. I’ve learned just as much from mistakes as I have what I got right. To judge me based on how I used to act or something I did once, is unfair. I want him to focus on who I am today, not the mistakes I made years ago. So I must also do the same. However, I’ve first had to prove that I changed. He didn’t believe it or just take me at my word up front. I had to show through actions that I was different. He must also prove his growth and change to me.
As humans, we are capable of both good and bad things. It hurts like hell to be on the receiving end of the bad things. I do believe that, sometimes, normally good people simply fuck up. I also believe in redemption. Redemption is possible if they do their part to make amends and change.
While there is no definitive rule-book on healing from an affair (just don’t have one and you won’t need to do the work to repair the damage), there are steps that can be taken that facilitate healing. There are also actions -or lack of action- that further the damage, increase resentment and make healing more difficult and take longer. I found this article that highlights some great steps to take after an affair. I also found this article regarding rebuilding trust. They are like a road map to redemption and thus, healing.
healingafterhisaffair 
Reblogged this on Needingtobeheard and commented:
This post was just what I needed to read today. The linked articles are so good. I will be emailing them to husband!
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This post is just so helpful. Thank you for linking both articles. I hope you don’t mind me reblogging it x
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Not at all. I’m glad it is helpful 🙂
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Great post. I wrote on a similar topic recently – how no matter what has happened in your relationship you need to be able to let go of the past and accept where you are today in order to move forward in a positive way.
It’s not easy, but holding on to hurts poisons both the present and the future.
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I read both the articles and I honestly hated the first one. To me it basically reads….sure your marriage was likely to blame for your cheating but shhhhhh! Don’t say that now! Reel her back in a bit and then hit her with her fault in the affair later. Because it starts off listing marital reasons to cheat! That’s like asking a man who just beat the crap out of his wife if he did it because dinner wasn’t to his liking or his laundry was not pressed properly. Then telling him….well don’t beat your wife, but the little missus is going to have to own up to her part in you losing your temper later on!
Affairs are fixed by the cheater looking inside himself or herself. Period. Anything else is just excuses and justification. ALL marriages have issues because we as individuals are not perfect. We always have room for improvement. Most of us achieve this without cheating. Yes, my husband trotted out the typical excuses. Thankfully we had highly skilled therapists who told him that focusing on only marital issues is the classic avoidance technique. It sounds pretty to jump quickly to rebuilding or “fixing” the marriage. It is attractive to the betrayed because it is something they can control. The result would be more selfish, entitled behavior on my husbands part. He had to do some heavy work to figure out his failure. He is the one who checked out of the relationship. In my experience, his willingness to work on himself is what has kept us going strong. Once he realized what was broken in himself? He worked on it. I responded very positively to the changes he made, the effort I saw, etc. It helped me see how genuine his remorse was and that rebuilt a great deal.
HE needed to rebuild the foundation. Then together we have built upon that. Great thoughts my friend! Always appreciate reading your posts!
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Interesting take on the article. Its not how I read it, but just goes to show how we all take in everything different. I agree completely on them having to do the work on themselves. Our therapist said that affairs are acting out. Its wrong no matter what. Nothing justifies an affair. She’s been very clear about it from day one. He had to look within himself at what his insecurities and shortcomings are that led him to take that step.He’s done very well with doing that. I’m glad to hear your husband has done the same. I think what most articles are trying to get at is that most times there are issues in the marriage that could -and should – be addressed. That while nothing makes an affair acceptable, there are usually underlying issues. My husband justified by feeling rejected by me. And I can honestly see where he felt that. He still made the wrong choice to cheat. But are we doing our marriage any justice by ignoring his feeling rejected? That’s not to say I need to coddle him and throw myself at him. Ultimately its his issue. But – me understanding that its a trigger for him is helpful in navigating a new, healthier marriage. Just the same as him learning my triggers and insecurities. I have a fear of vulnerability, even before his affair. That’s not really his issue its mine. But there are things he can do to ease my fear.
Sorry – went off on a tangent. I’m glad your husband did the work on himself. I’m sure that has been a large factor in your healing as a couple.
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You had a very good therapist. We are both fortunate in that. I agree it would be a grave error to ignore marital issues. I guess my thoughts are… first, the timing of it is crucial. Once the affair is revealed, the focus should be (for some time) almost solely on healing and supporting the betrayed spouse. A truly remorseful cheater is willing to do this as they see the enormous pain their actions have caused. They are also willing to explore why they made the choices they did. This is the equivalent of two people in a canoe and one starts rowing the opposite direction. If that person just starts rowing in the same direction again, it solves a LOT. Once the betrayed spouse is feeling safer, stronger and more supported in the healing process, they will be more ready to talk about ways to safe-guard the marriage. An example from us? With four kids and two under two, life was hectic. With finances tight, we hadn’t done anything as a couple in longer than I care to admit. Now we are more in tune with keeping some couple time, and also knowing it doesn’t have to be an expensive date. Netflix and chill as the younger crowd says, I think? LOL! But this work came much later in our healing process. I NEEDED him to OWN the fact he is an adult. Whatever he was feeling or needing, he was perfectly capable of expressing (or should have been).
Second issue for me is, when one spouse feels lonely or rejected in a marriage, it is highly likely the other spouse does too. I wrote my husband a letter, and I told him the story of our life in the year or so leading up to his affair. I told him how I saw certain events….how I CHOSE to see them….and how I COULD HAVE CHOSEN to see them. One example: he owns his own business and he works crazy hours. I chose to see that as him working hard to support his family, and I chose to feel appreciation for his effort. I could have chosen to pity myself for having to care for four kids alone, housework, errands, laundry, cooking, cleaning, paying bills, etc etc ALONE. I could have focused on how tired and overwhelmed I felt because I never asked for or received a break. I could have given in and indulged in an affair myself when our daughter’s teammate’s father started making it clear he was interested in me. Nope. I ran from it. GREAT blogging! Love reading your stuff!
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Completely agree, exerciseisgrace. I view it as trauma. The affair is the bleeding wound. You bandage that and get that stable, then move on to the other injuries.
My husband is self employed and I will say that your attitude is better than mine was. I had the attitude that I was home alone with my daughter taking care of everything and working full time so he could fulfill his dream. I was resentful. I justified by using other issues in our marriage, but ultimately I felt that way and acted accordingly because of my own stuff.
We do have a great therapist. She doesn’t pull any punches and calls us both out on our crap. My individual therapist is awesome too. She’s a softer approach but still gets me to see life from a view that isn’t just my own. He seems to like his personal therapist and I’ve seen growth from him, which is good.
Thank you for the compliment. I find writing to be cathartic. And if it helps just one person get through the day a little better than maybe the pain can count for something.
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