How do I let go of this pain? How do I let the past stay in the past? How do I live in today, which is all I really have anyway? How do I stop the past from taking what today has to offer? There really is only one way. Choice.
There is no timeline. There is no, “once this happens” I’ll feel better. You have to make the choice to let go and THEN you start to feel better. After betrayal, there are steps that help in healing. Absolutely. You need time. You need to grieve. If you are staying with the person who betrayed you, they have work to do. You must experience the pain. But there comes a point where you have to take stock in where things are. Is he doing what I need him to do? If the answer is yes, then what good am I doing myself by hanging on to the pain? If the answer is no, then why am I staying and allowing myself to be further disrespected? There comes a point where you have to make the conscious choice to let go. I don’t believe it happens without the choice. And I don’t believe you heal until you let go.
I’ve been reading alot about letting go and this article stuck out. There are some thought provoking ideas in it, particularly on how we keep ourselves stuck.
“Finally, fearsomely, there is that thing we do behind our own backs because we know we shouldn’t do it: We continue contact—with the very person, the very situation, that was destructive in the first place. We often don’t get better until we stop going there. You know that; you just don’t want to face it.” At first this sounded harsh. But when I stopped to think, it makes sense. Its the old saying that a wound can’t heal if you keep picking at it.
I’ve kept a notebook of quotes and advice and general things that “speak” to me (both positive and negative). I read articles and books. I blog. Lately, I have started to wonder if doing all of these things is me picking at the scab. How do I expect to let anything go when I continue to put myself in it every day. Now, doing these things served a critical role and have helped me immensely. Blogging has been a huge help to me. To be able to just get it all out is amazing. But to connect with other women who feel what I’m feeling and to know I’m not alone – that can’t even be put into words. The support of strangers is amazing and at times lifesaving. And I wouldn’t change any of these activities, because its what I needed at the time. But the time has come for me to do something else. Something different.
“It’s hard to let go of the past in the absence of a positive view of tomorrow. You need a vision of the future. An investment in, a distraction through, or an excitement about something ahead will supply the energy and the will to push you beyond the past. Creating it requires deliberate mental focus.” The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I want to be free of the past. I don’t want to think about his affair. I don’t want to feel the pain of his affair. I want to enjoy my husband and kids. I want to build a healthier marriage. But I can’t do that when I’m living in yesterday. I can’t have the positive future I so desperately want if I’m still carrying the past with me. I can only carry so much. And its time to unload. Its time to discard. Its time to clean out the negative images and thoughts in my head. Its time to clean out the notebook I’ve kept. I no longer need these things as I no longer live at this place. I’m moving and can’t take it all with me. I don’t need or WANT to take it with me. I also believe this is the end of this blog. I hope to continue to blog, but not about affairs.
“You wronged me. I didn’t deserve it. I’ve been angry long enough. I am laying down my anger because I don’t need to carry it anymore.” It all starts with choice. I’ve made mine.