Living in the Moment

We are home from our weekend trip. A trip to celebrate 18 years of marriage. There was a time I didn’t know if we would make it another year married. There was a time I wasn’t sure I wanted to. There was a time when people would ask me how long I’ve been married and I would think, “too long” or didn’t care to talk about it. We had one person comment that 18 years is a pretty big achievement, especially in today’s world. I used to think “yeah but you don’t know what this marriage is really like, you don’t know what he did”. I noticed that I didn’t have that mantra over the weekend. I took the compliments and the celebratory free drinks 🙂 and realized it is an accomplishment. And it is something to be proud of.

He has been buying wine from Napa Valley for a few years. While I don’t believe its tied to his affair, the wine was a trigger for me (grapes come from her home town not far from Napa Valley). Awhile ago we talked about finding a wine that is about us. That we find together. So when we were thinking of what to do for our anniversary, he suggested Niagara on the Lake (NOTL) or the Finger Lakes, both of which are less than 3 hours drive and both have wineries. We’ve been to both before. We decided on Canada assuming it would be less crowded. We were right. We stayed in a nice B&B, built in 1892. It was a beautiful old house. Updated without ruining the history.

It was a nice weekend. Weather was beautiful. We walked around town. Had great food. Had some drinks and listened to a band in an Irish Pub (always my favorite). We went to wineries. We had good conversation. Had good sex. We were both present – neither of us were preoccupied with other things. We talked about our wedding. How we did things for everyone else and should have taken more time for us. He said he wants to see me in my wedding dress again. And that we should get re-married, with nobody present but us. I made a dig about his affair. He didn’t get defensive. Just took it. He said several times that he is where he wants to be. When I’m able to stay in the present, its pretty good. I like where things are and where they seem to be headed. I still take it a day at a time.  I know that tomorrow could suck. I’ve learned that when I anticipate it sucking – it surely will. I’ve also learned, that if it does suck – I will be ok. I will make it through the day and a better day will come.

It is still incredibly painful to think about his affair. Not as bad as it once was, but it still hurts. If I allowed myself to simmer in the shit stew, I could drown there. So I don’t allow myself to unpack. I visit. I feel what I need to. I say what I need to. And then I have to leave it for awhile. I have to choose to get out of the pot. I have to choose to think about something else. I have to choose to live in the moment. Its all we really have anyway.

One Anniversary and Two Antiversaries…

I’m approaching my 18 year wedding anniversary. And 4 year DDay antiversary. And the 5 year antiversary of when my husband had sex with his OW was about a week ago.

The realization of these dates approaching hit me about two weeks ago. I broke down and felt the grief and pain again. He woke up every single day for a year and a half and chose to pursue and continue a relationship with another woman. He chose to lie, cheat, disrespect me, put his energy and time into that relationship and just be a shitty husband, father and human being. For a year and a half. The reality of it just sucks.

I still struggle with wondering if I’ve been told the whole truth. Not as bad as I once did. But its there. Lurking behind the shadows. Its there when he seems distant or distracted. Its there when things are really good. Its there when I’m triggered by certain locations that I wonder if they went together. I’ve talked to my therapist about this ALOT. And it sucks because there is no real way of knowing. In the beginning, I dug. As deep as I could. I questioned. And then questioned more, in different ways. I tried to trip him up. But his story didn’t change. And it hasn’t. I sway between wondering if this is my intuition or if its fear.  Or is it just realistic to assume that since he was capable of carrying on an affair for 1.5 years that he is also capable of hiding details he doesn’t want me to know? Its not even about the details anymore. Its about me not wanting to be with a man that will continue to betray me by not being honest with me. I have asked (begged) countless time for him to tell me if there is more to know. Every time he has said no, I know everything.

So what do I do with this? I’ve chosen to stay. I think for a really long time I had just chosen not to leave. But recently it feels more like I’m choosing to stay. So how do I come to terms with this fear? My therapist and I talked about whether or not this fear could be lurking about to prevent me from being vulnerable with him. Things have been pretty good between us lately. And this fear is kicking up. Its like a warning bell screaming to not get too close. Its my protective shell. My life preserver.

Our wedding anniversary is 9/2. We will be married 18 years. The last time we did anything for our anniversary was when he was involved with her (2013). It was no secret to either of us that our marriage was on the rocks at that point (of course I didn’t know just how rocky it was and that he just saw her about a week before). But we went to an amusement park. It was actually a fun time. I had him stop at a sex toy store on the way. I got a toy for us. After I found out about his affair, I recalled this memory. When I looked back in a different lens, I remembered him being weird. He was usually really excited about sex toys – and sex in general. But he wasn’t this time. He seemed disinterested (I guess sex with another woman does that?).  Anyway, we got to our destination. I drank too much (perhaps I was more aware of his attitude than I thought), but we laughed and had fun and had sex. Since DDay, I haven’t cared to acknowledge our anniversary. It hasn’t meant anything to me. We also no longer wear wedding bands (I took a hammer to them one night). The symbolism that once stood for something hasn’t mattered post affair.

We are leaving in the morning for two nights, for our anniversary. I’m not giddy about it. But I’m looking forward to it. I’ve even thought about what it would be like if he were to re-propose to me. Then I quickly tell myself those things don’t matter. A ring doesn’t make a person faithful. Then I wonder what I would say. Would I say yes? No? Do I question it because deep down I don’t believe he would? And “hoping” for something that doesn’t happen will just hurt? Or, do I really even want that? Do I just want it as a way for him to prove his love for me?

Its all so confusing. And its midnight. So I think I’ll just go, have fun in the moment and enjoy each day for what it has to offer. Oh, and the wine the region has to offer!