We are home from our weekend trip. A trip to celebrate 18 years of marriage. There was a time I didn’t know if we would make it another year married. There was a time I wasn’t sure I wanted to. There was a time when people would ask me how long I’ve been married and I would think, “too long” or didn’t care to talk about it. We had one person comment that 18 years is a pretty big achievement, especially in today’s world. I used to think “yeah but you don’t know what this marriage is really like, you don’t know what he did”. I noticed that I didn’t have that mantra over the weekend. I took the compliments and the celebratory free drinks 🙂 and realized it is an accomplishment. And it is something to be proud of.
He has been buying wine from Napa Valley for a few years. While I don’t believe its tied to his affair, the wine was a trigger for me (grapes come from her home town not far from Napa Valley). Awhile ago we talked about finding a wine that is about us. That we find together. So when we were thinking of what to do for our anniversary, he suggested Niagara on the Lake (NOTL) or the Finger Lakes, both of which are less than 3 hours drive and both have wineries. We’ve been to both before. We decided on Canada assuming it would be less crowded. We were right. We stayed in a nice B&B, built in 1892. It was a beautiful old house. Updated without ruining the history.
It was a nice weekend. Weather was beautiful. We walked around town. Had great food. Had some drinks and listened to a band in an Irish Pub (always my favorite). We went to wineries. We had good conversation. Had good sex. We were both present – neither of us were preoccupied with other things. We talked about our wedding. How we did things for everyone else and should have taken more time for us. He said he wants to see me in my wedding dress again. And that we should get re-married, with nobody present but us. I made a dig about his affair. He didn’t get defensive. Just took it. He said several times that he is where he wants to be. When I’m able to stay in the present, its pretty good. I like where things are and where they seem to be headed. I still take it a day at a time. I know that tomorrow could suck. I’ve learned that when I anticipate it sucking – it surely will. I’ve also learned, that if it does suck – I will be ok. I will make it through the day and a better day will come.
It is still incredibly painful to think about his affair. Not as bad as it once was, but it still hurts. If I allowed myself to simmer in the shit stew, I could drown there. So I don’t allow myself to unpack. I visit. I feel what I need to. I say what I need to. And then I have to leave it for awhile. I have to choose to get out of the pot. I have to choose to think about something else. I have to choose to live in the moment. Its all we really have anyway.