It is New Years Eve. As it sit and write this, there are 10 hours left in 2018.

I’m not big on new year resolutions, though I am reflecting on what I learned in 2018 and how I can grow in 2019.

Sure I want to lose weight and live a healthier lifestyle. But more than that I want peace. Mental peace. Emotional peace. Physical peace.

I’ve long struggled with wondering if I know all the details. I recognize the fact that I may have the whole truth, even though I doubt it. I recognize I may have the details to the best of his ability to tell me, even though I doubt it.

Can I just accept that my husband had an affair and I will never know everything? Do I need to know everything? So far, I have not been able to just simply accept it. Its not even about the details. I’ve actually accepted my version of what I think happened. I wouldn’t be surprised or shocked by discovering more. I wouldn’t be hurt by the details if I learned more. I’d be hurt by the continued deception, especially since I’ve begged for the truth. I have begged for the truth, explaining its the only way through this for me. The truth is what will get US through this. I just don’t know that I’ve been given the truth. There are several timelines and things that just don’t line up for me. Does that mean that my thoughts are reality? Does my discomfort equal truth? Or is it fear? Is it both? Is my belief that I’m still being deceived affecting my ability to see things without bias?

Ultimately, my husband made decisions to betray me and share his life with another woman for a year and a half. He chose to keep secrets. He chose to spend his energy on her instead of us and our daughter. He chose to lie and treat me like shit. I know all the whys. I’ve worked through and accepted them. Sure, they still hurt and most likely always will to some degree.

What haunts me now, is this near constant feeling/fear that he hasn’t been honest with me. And I just don’t know what to do about it. I know I need to come to terms with it somehow. For my own peace. For me.

Happy New Year!