I’ve been living in this vague territory. This half in/half out, on the fence existence. I’ve been trying to dig deep and determine what it is I truly want. Well, besides the obvious. I want for my husband to have never cheated. To have never given his energy, time, emotions and body to another. To have never made the choice to deceive me, lie to me, treat me with utter disrespect and betray me. But, that is what happened. And it cannot be changed. I’ve accepted that. I’m still learning to live with it though.

I’ve made great progress and then it just kind of stalled out. I swing from wondering if its because I don’t really want to be in this marriage, if its just beyond repair, or if its me not being able to let go of the past. Or something else entirely. Is it multiple reasons?

I think what it boils down to is that I don’t believe I have the full story of his affair. I don’t want nitty gritty details. I just want to know that the questions I’ve asked (when did it end, how many times did you see each other and where are the main ones) have been answered truthfully. I don’t believe they have been. Is my hesitation to believe a consequence of being lied to? Is it my fear? Is it a way for my subconscious to protect me? Or is it intuition? This has been a problem for me since discovery.

I don’t believe I’ve been told the truth and so I don’t want to be fully vulnerable. I don’t want to fully commit. Because I don’t like how I feel about myself and what I think about myself for being with a man I don’t believe has been honest with me about his affair. How’s that for a mindfuck?

He and I spoke the other night.  I told him this thinking. Its nothing new. He’s heard this many times before. I talked about trauma and how my brain has filled in the gaps in his story. That I have a full version in my head of what happened. During the conversation, he said his affair was traumatic for him as well (he wasn’t comparing – just stating). That he doesn’t recognize who he became, doesn’t like who he became and doesn’t want to be that guy ever again.

I had a therapy appointment this week too. We talked about how I talk to myself for staying.  It appears I need to take my own advice and cut myself some slack. On the surface I do, but deep down I have some negative feelings. I have felt stupid and weak for staying. I mean, I always said I would leave. But life isn’t that black and white, is it?

I’ve thought if I don’t know the details, I’m still an outsider in my own marriage. They still share something if I am kept in the dark while they know the details. I have concern that we are building a new relationship built on a foundation of lies if I don’t have the truth. Would knowing other details change my decision? Would I leave? Am I looking for there to be more to the story so I have a reason to leave? Is it so I can simply re-piece my life together?

The one thing I know for sure is I have control of my healing. I have control of my peace. I have control of my decisions. Can I decide that I want to stay in this marriage and create the relationship I want despite wondering if I have the whole truth?