The Cost of Hanging On

I’ve been in a mind suck lately. Deep down I just don’t believe he’s been honest with me about some details of his affair. This is not a new revelation. I’m really struggling with whether or not I can just accept things for how they are and move on.

I have a hamster on a wheel in my brain. She is just running and running and getting absolutely nowhere. Well, nowhere but exhausted. She does all this running and is in the same exact same place as when she started.

I’ve had many great talks with my sister recently. She’s going through a divorce and is close to it being final. Her and her husband had many issues. Her final breaking point was catching him texting a girl from church. She asked him – and then the girl – to stop. They didn’t. So she is done. The hardest part for her is that he still won’t admit that he did something wrong. He’s a blame shifter, gaslighter and never wrong kind of guy. He is extremely dishonest. He lacks self awareness and the ability to self reflect. You can’t really work through that and get to a better place.

We’ve grown closer over the past year, since her divorce was announced. I shared with her my marital issues as well. We grew up in a family that didn’t talk about stuff, especially emotions. We swept things under the rug and walked on them until they flattened out. Its sad that its taken her divorce and my near divorce about 6 times for us to create a deeper relationship. Before we truly needed each other, we were too busy hiding the chaos in our lives to really have a deeper connection. A silver lining in all this shit storm.

So, our conversations have been wonderful as of late. She supports me staying, even though she is leaving. She doesn’t judge. She actually says she admires my strength and my ability to look at a bigger picture. Whew. I need to hear that a lot! Most times I feel weak and stupid for staying (not feeling like I have the whole truth probably feeds those feelings, huh?).

We spoke the other day. She was upset about something with her soon to be ex. I reminded her that she has no control of him, nor does she want the responsibility of it. I reminded her to not sacrifice her peace to show others what a douche he is. I reminded her to focus on herself and what’s best for her, even if he gets some benefit from it.

This conversation reminded me that I need to do the same. Part of my problem (in addition to truth issue) is that I feel that if I truly move on, get past his affair and stop bringing it up – he won’t have any consequences. It will be like me approving of it, or saying it was ok. There is some “comfort” in hanging onto it. As painful as it is, its familiar. The alternative – staying and letting it all go – is scary. But, hanging on to this is costing me. Other than keeping me in fight/flight mode – this isn’t serving me anymore. I need to focus on what’s best for me. What I want. Even if it means he gets some benefit. I stayed with the hopes of having a better marriage. Hanging on to his affair isn’t helping me have that better marriage. If I can’t let go of his affair, then I need to let go of the relationship.

He and I had a date night and a really good conversation over the weekend. He said things he’s said before – but this time I really heard him. I was able to receive it. He has said a few more things this week that are insightful, especially of the past. For so long he saw me in such a negative way that he didn’t see my value. He’s seeing it again – and has expressed where he saw it in the past. He’s been calling me and texting me during the day to just say he’s thinking of me and I’m sexy. He used to do things like this. It feels good to see him being more and more like the man I married. If I can get off the hamster wheel, I feel pretty good with the present. The “right now” has good communication, honesty, intimacy, fun, friendship, respect, support. This is the type of marriage I want. What I hoped for when I stayed. I’m cautiously optimistic. It wasn’t long ago we were talking of divorce. I’m aware this could be a honeymoon stage. But it could also be the foundation for a better marriage.

Hanging on to the past is costing me. My peace. My energy. My present. Possibly my future. It doesn’t serve me. It just keeps hurting me. I need to find a way to put this to rest. So I can focus on the blessings in my life now.