It seems I blog to rant. Get out my pain and frustrations. I do have some positive thoughts here and there but I’ve used this space as a place to get out the negative. And it isn’t all negative. There is plenty of good in my life. And my husband’s affair isn’t the only bad.
Things with my husband have been in a more positive place lately. IF I could take his affair, its lasting scars and the questions I still have out of our marriage – I’d say its a pretty good marriage at this point. We’ve been able to safely and calmly communicate, which makes everything else so much easier to navigate. We are human, so it isn’t without misunderstanding, miscommunications, hurt feelings, falling back into old behaviors, etc.
He gets a lot of compliments on his technology skills. He runs a tech company and is by far the most talented in our region. He values his worth on his work. He needs to be the best and will stop at nothing to get there. His drive and success affords us a comfortable lifestyle. It also causes conflict and issues in our marriage. Its not as much of a problem these days, but it was for a long time. I’ve been hearing him tell people that compliment him on his business savvy and tech brain that he is good in that arena but isn’t a great husband. That our marriage suffered because of his need to be the best. That he put so much focus on his career and “being somebody” that he neglected me, my needs and our marriage. Its vindicating to hear that. He has told me that before, but hearing him tell others is powerful.
He stayed home with our kids for a few days last week when school was cancelled due to the polar vortex. I said I’d take a vacation day to stay home if he had work he couldn’t shuffle around. He said I did my time of working from home and carrying the “burden” of kids. That while he was building his business and our daughter was small he never had to worry about stuff like sick days and snow days because I handled it. I made it work (I had a very flexible job at the time). He said now its his turn. That this is the pay off from all his time and hard work. He now has employees that are in the office and he can work from anywhere.
He is setting better boundaries for himself and our marriage. He grew up in a codependent relationship with his parents. He began parenting them from a young age. He is navigating a healthier relationship with them. He has made changes at work to set boundaries with his employees. He has better boundaries with friends. He finally sees where boundaries are to protect himself. And where boundaries protect our marriage. He is no longer flirtatious. There was a time where he’d get phone numbers and birthdays of females he didn’t know that well. He never intended to call them so he didn’t see the harm (codependent – needs people to like him, got ego boost). He asked me to put something on his calendar a few weeks ago. I saw an entry for “Courtney’s Birthday”. He does have many of his clients b-days tracked for business relationships. So I asked him who Courtney is. He is pretty sure it was a waitress at a restaurant he was going to weekly with a group of guys several years ago, before discovery. He quickly deleted it and said that’s not something he does anymore. A friend of mine recently said that she noticed he doesn’t hug or kiss her on the cheek anymore. And that he only did that around the time of his affair. I hadn’t noticed, but she is right. He was huggy/kissy with a lot of females during his affair time.
When he was in the practice of getting phone numbers and birthdays, I expressed my displeasure with it. Because he didn’t understand or have any boundaries, he thought I was jealous and insecure. He made it all about me. He didn’t see where this was a problem. I said I don’t like my husband getting other female’s numbers. Our therapist said, nobody is comfortable with their husband doing that and told him how wrong it was. I don’t think it fully clicked with him that it wasn’t about me being jealous or controlling, but about healthy boundaries to insulate our marriage at that point but, to my knowledge, he hasn’t gotten any numbers since. He has been out and met people that could be a potential babysitter or business connection. When they are female, he connects them with me instead of keeping their contact info. I did not ask him to do that.
I wasn’t feeling well Friday and yesterday. He took our son out of the house so I could get some rest. He knew I wouldn’t be able to rest with the little one around as he is up my rear end constantly. My son takes mama’s boy to a whole new level. So my husband ran several errands for me and got my oil changed in my car. I didn’t ask him to do any of it. We went to dinner and our local philharmonic with some friends last night. They played the music to Wizard of Oz live with the movie. It was fantastic.
My one issue with him right now is a stupid white lie he told the other night. He came home late. I woke up and asked him what time it was. He said 11. It was 11:52. That rubs me the wrong way. Its a stupid lie. But its a lie. Its him taking the easy way out. I was irritated that he came home so late (he told me he wouldn’t be late), but I’ll get over it. This has been and will most likely always be an issue for us. He goes out, has fun, loses track of time or can’t say hey I’ve gotta leave to the guys. I don’t know. Reality is, my kids and I were in bed. Its not like I was waiting on him for plans. What I want is for him to be able to come home and say, I was out later than I said I’d be and I’m sorry. That is taking ownership. That is being accountable. That is being honest – even when you honesty may cause a rift. THAT is the kind of honesty I need. I’m trying to not let this feed my fears about what else I don’t know. Its difficult. If I can’t count on him to be honest about what time he got home, what can I count on him for? Why would I believe that he’s telling the truth anywhere else? I know he doesn’t really get how damaging these white lies are but they have to stop. I haven’t discussed this with him yet but its coming soon.
Life doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Its a mixture of good and bad. The good someone does doesn’t negate the bad they do and vice versa. You have to learn to take the bad with the good, for it exists in all of us.