My husband and I have decided to divorce. It was once again him that uttered the words. Deep down I believe its what is best. For us. For me. For my kids. I am struggling to accept it. I have fought so damn hard for so long. To have it fail sucks. And I’m forever an optimist that things can work out.
I do take comfort in knowing that there is nothing else I could have done. I’ve worked on my own shit. Worked on repairing a marriage after an affair. While I feel there is more he could have done – he probably did everything he was capable of. And really, this isn’t just about his affair. Its about a lot of ways that we just didn’t love each other. Or respect and honor each other. We didn’t do the small proactive things that keep a marriage thriving.
We met with our therapist to start a mediation and co-parenting plan. The thought of telling my kids KILLS me. I have wanted this to work. I have hoped. Prayed. But it just hasn’t quite gotten there. We’ve been so damn close. Yet we can’t get “there”. We are unable to sustain vulnerability with each other. For whatever reason. Years of ignored and thus unhealed pain most likely.
I’ve been wondering how much fear has kept me in place. I’m afraid. Afraid I’m going to ruin my kids’ lives. Afraid I’m going to live in poverty and not be able to enjoy life. Afraid he will become a “better” man for another woman. Afraid that I won’t be able to find another man with the qualities I love most in him. I know these are common and valid fears. I also know that most of these fears aren’t going to come to reality. I know its going to worse before it gets better. I know I need to grieve this loss. I need to grieve what I thought my future looked like, with him in it. I also know I have people I can count on for support and guidance. And I need to continue to heal. I need to learn why I stayed unhappy for so long. Why I continued to come back to him after so many threats of divorce and an affair. I have work to do on myself. And I’m worth it. My kids are worth it.
I know that in the end, I will be good. My kids will be good.
Divorce isn’t what I wanted for my life. Still isn’t. But it may be exactly what I need. As scary as it is.