Every Limbo Boy and Girl

The initial paperwork is completed and turned in to the mediator. Now we wait for our next appointment.

For the most part, our lives are continuing status quo. We’ve gone to functions together. We have dinner plans with another couple in a few weeks. My parents and his parents have been over for dinner. We are trying to keep things normal for the kids. It can be awkward at times, but I’d rather have it this way than not being able to be in the same room as him. My friend refers to her ex as “fuckface”, my sister refers to her ex as “db”, short for douchebag.

I don’t want to be in that place. I have pain that I still need to heal. I still have moments when the thoughts of what he did piss me off, but they are becoming fewer and farer (is that a word?) between. I hate what he did, but I don’t hate him. I guess I’m mostly indifferent where he is concerned. I’m disappointed that my marriage didn’t work. I feel a sense of loss, but I don’t know that its because I’m losing him. I wonder how much of my fight and determination to keep my marriage was really about him and how much was just because I didn’t want to admit to myself that my marriage isn’t working and we just can’t fix it.

I read an article recently that talked about how divorcing is a state of limbo. I can relate. I‘m trying to not get ahead of myself. I want to be prepared and plan for the future, but realize I can’t predict it or control it. I can only have the best plan I create with the information I have now and be flexible. 

There is fear. Fear of how my kids will adjust and cope. Fear that I won’t make ends meet. Fear that I will live paycheck to paycheck and never get beyond that.

There is also a feeling of relief. I’ve been living in limbo in my marriage for damn near a decade. I’ve endured threats of divorce, an affair, lack of love and just general disrespect. I’ve also not been all -in myself. I never decided to leave, but I also was never willing or able to jump in. As disappointing as divorce is, the way I was living is actually the tragedy.  My marriage ending isn’t what I wanted for my life, but at least now there is a direction.

Through all this fear, I also see opportunity. I see the opportunity to create my OWN life. I’ve never lived on my own. I’ve never made all the decisions. It can be a bit scary, but I believe it will be good for me in so many ways. I see opportunity to focus on my dreams and aspirations. I bought a franchise last year and have done nothing with it. I’ve spent so much time and energy on this marriage that I’ve let a lot of things important to me go. I look forward to getting back to the gym on days I don’t have my kids. My sister and I are also working on creating passive income for ourselves by partnering up on some investments.

 

Its Getting Deep

We met with the mediator Wednesday. We had a bit of a blow up Tuesday night (probably caused by nerves & emotions) so I was a little on edge going into the appointment. It went well. We have some paperwork to complete and then go back to start making decisions. We have talked a few times about division of assets and support and I believe are pretty close to an agreement. We will start a co-parenting plan with our therapist soon. I will most likely not move out until after the new year for various reasons. Finances being a big one, followed by lack of affordable housing in the areas I want to live. Houses are selling very quickly right now and rentals are very expensive. As of now, we are cohabiting relatively nicely. There are moments its really hard, others where it feels like nothing has changed and other moments that feel easier without the weight of trying to “fix” us.

While I believe divorce is the best option for me at this point, I HATE thinking about how it is going to affect my kids. I think they are the reason I’ve held on. Them and fear. And a wacked sense of loyalty.

For a long time I had hope that things would improve between he and I. At times they did. I have some very loving, fond memories of our entire relationship, including some great times post affair. I also have some very ugly, hurtful memories. And it seems the bad outweighs the good. It seems neither of us are really able to let go of the hurt from the past and sustain vulnerability with each other. He says he has let it all go, yet his actions and words don’t support that.

I have let go of the pain pre-affair. I’m actually in a good spot with the pain of his affair. Its post-affair that I’m struggling with. It really boils down to his attitude about the affair and things he did not do to make amends. I mean, you can’t make it right. Can’t take it back. Can’t make it go away. But there are things a “cheater” can do to reflect their remorse and empathy. And that is what lacked. He had moments, chunks of time, that he was able to show it. I believe he tried to show it, but in his love language instead of mine, so the message wasn’t received. An example is buying me a car. That does not equal remorse and empathy in my book. Sitting with me, holding me and reassuring me while I fell apart is what I needed. And he did that…sometimes. I needed to let out my pain without hearing about the pain I caused him. I needed him to just listen to understand.  I needed him to come out of his comfort zone emotionally. I needed him to sit in the uncomfortable shit his affair created. I need him to stand up and tell me that he knows he was a complete piece of shit for what he did, that I didn’t deserve it and he will do what needs to be done for as long as it needs to be done. And he did that…once or twice and thought that should be enough.

In the midst of the occasional show of support, care and concern were threats of divorce. Continued flirting with other females. Other lies. Those behaviors coupled with the fact that the limited remorse and empathy were sporadic – were just not enough for me.

I have moments of anger, which is really just masked pain. I’m hurt. Hurt that he couldn’t step up the way I needed him to after he cheated on me. But if I dig deeper, I’m hurt because of how I treated myself. I didn’t stand up for myself. I didn’t value and love myself. I didn’t treat myself with respect. I didn’t treat myself how I deserve to be treated. So why am I so shocked and hurt that he treated me the same? I’m upset with myself for not demanding more of him right after his affair. For not standing up for myself early on. For not speaking my mind. For holding back what I really thought and felt at times. I wasn’t living authentically and honoring myself. And perhaps that is where the greatest source of my pain lies.

I know I have some rough times ahead.  I also know that some wonderful opportunities will show themselves when the time is right. I’m focusing on what I need to heal and be my best self. I’m educating myself on finances and ways I can invest and make passive income so I’m less reliant on him for support – and so I can live the future I dreamed of (being self employed or semi-retired making passive income so I can travel and live how I want).

My future may not be with him, but that doesn’t mean it won’t be great.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Emotions

All these emotions are exhausting. It doesn’t help that my period is around the corner and I’m not sleeping well. I completely and utterly fell apart yesterday. I only had to work 2 hours as I had a long week. My stbx (soon to be ex – not sure how else to refer to him now) spent the day with our daughter. I spent the day with our son. Today we switch. We’ve done “date days” with the kids since our daughter was young.  Anyway, my song and I were on our way to mini golf and he fell asleep. He was so cranky before he passed out that I did not wake him up. He slept through the transfer out of the car. I put him on the couch and he slept for about 3 hours. While he slept, I cried so uncontrollably I could hardly breath and felt nauseous. My eyes are still swollen and sore. And I have a wicked headache. Doesn’t help that I only slept a few hours.

I’m sad. Disappointed. Afraid. Angry. Hurt. Defeated. Exhausted. With him. And myself.

I feel loss. We have a long history and I thought we’d have a future. I think he sees the negative and I tend to gloss over the negative to try and focus on the positive. When I think about our past its mainly the happy memories and good times that stand out. But when I take a deeper look (like going through photos and reliving the events) I am reminded of a shitty comment he made, how I was ignored or just treated with disregard and disrespect. Not all the time, but enough. And I’m sure he can say the same. I certainly carry responsibility for the state of our marriage as well.

Its really difficult. I feel like we’ve had some really great times and I’ve felt so cared for and loved but not on a consistent basis. He is capable of amazing romance, deep love and at the same time can be the coldest person I’ve met. I suppose the same could be said for me. The times when we’ve been vulnerable with each other were incredible. The greatest feeling. The connection. The sex. The intimacy. The love. All amazing. But when one of us pulls back and we get distance between us – its the coldest, darkest, most isolating feeling to me.

I’m mostly wondering what is wrong with me that I stayed with a man that has been bringing up divorce for at least a decade. A man that then cheated on me for at least a year and a half and continued to threaten divorce. A man that blamed his actions and behaviors on me at first. A man that has had issues with honesty and transparency our entire relationship. A man that doesn’t treat me as a priority or a partner. A man that has looked at me in such a negative light for so long he is blind to see all the ways I’ve given to him and this marriage. All of his behavior and actions and words are on him. I don’t carry that weight. What I need to explore is why I allowed it to happen. Why I kept staying. Time after time. What hurts me the most right now is that I stayed with a man that cheated on me and fought like hell. Only for him to decide he still doesn’t want me. I know he doesn’t decide my worth. But it still fucking hurts like hell. That I kept coming back to be punched in the gut again and again. Why did I never walk away?

I can’t go back and change anything. I can only learn from all of this and become stronger. And I will. In some ways I already am. This is the first time he has said divorce that I haven’t tried to save us. Every single time before I kept us talking. I kept the fight alive. I can’t and won’t do it anymore. Its not fair to me. Apparently I found some self respect. As much as I don’t want my marriage to end, the marriage I’m in (and have been for some time) isn’t healthy for me. Its not serving me in a good way. And as much as I can focus on the good in him and the good in us – its not enough. I wish we could have sustained the good marriage we’ve had at times.

I feel more centered today. I guess I just needed to let all that pain out. I know there will be many more days like yesterday. I know it will get worse before it gets better. I’m just trying to take each day as it comes. Its too overwhelming to have this all figured out today. So I’m trying my best not to try.