All these emotions are exhausting. It doesn’t help that my period is around the corner and I’m not sleeping well. I completely and utterly fell apart yesterday. I only had to work 2 hours as I had a long week. My stbx (soon to be ex – not sure how else to refer to him now) spent the day with our daughter. I spent the day with our son. Today we switch. We’ve done “date days” with the kids since our daughter was young. Anyway, my song and I were on our way to mini golf and he fell asleep. He was so cranky before he passed out that I did not wake him up. He slept through the transfer out of the car. I put him on the couch and he slept for about 3 hours. While he slept, I cried so uncontrollably I could hardly breath and felt nauseous. My eyes are still swollen and sore. And I have a wicked headache. Doesn’t help that I only slept a few hours.
I’m sad. Disappointed. Afraid. Angry. Hurt. Defeated. Exhausted. With him. And myself.
I feel loss. We have a long history and I thought we’d have a future. I think he sees the negative and I tend to gloss over the negative to try and focus on the positive. When I think about our past its mainly the happy memories and good times that stand out. But when I take a deeper look (like going through photos and reliving the events) I am reminded of a shitty comment he made, how I was ignored or just treated with disregard and disrespect. Not all the time, but enough. And I’m sure he can say the same. I certainly carry responsibility for the state of our marriage as well.
Its really difficult. I feel like we’ve had some really great times and I’ve felt so cared for and loved but not on a consistent basis. He is capable of amazing romance, deep love and at the same time can be the coldest person I’ve met. I suppose the same could be said for me. The times when we’ve been vulnerable with each other were incredible. The greatest feeling. The connection. The sex. The intimacy. The love. All amazing. But when one of us pulls back and we get distance between us – its the coldest, darkest, most isolating feeling to me.
I’m mostly wondering what is wrong with me that I stayed with a man that has been bringing up divorce for at least a decade. A man that then cheated on me for at least a year and a half and continued to threaten divorce. A man that blamed his actions and behaviors on me at first. A man that has had issues with honesty and transparency our entire relationship. A man that doesn’t treat me as a priority or a partner. A man that has looked at me in such a negative light for so long he is blind to see all the ways I’ve given to him and this marriage. All of his behavior and actions and words are on him. I don’t carry that weight. What I need to explore is why I allowed it to happen. Why I kept staying. Time after time. What hurts me the most right now is that I stayed with a man that cheated on me and fought like hell. Only for him to decide he still doesn’t want me. I know he doesn’t decide my worth. But it still fucking hurts like hell. That I kept coming back to be punched in the gut again and again. Why did I never walk away?
I can’t go back and change anything. I can only learn from all of this and become stronger. And I will. In some ways I already am. This is the first time he has said divorce that I haven’t tried to save us. Every single time before I kept us talking. I kept the fight alive. I can’t and won’t do it anymore. Its not fair to me. Apparently I found some self respect. As much as I don’t want my marriage to end, the marriage I’m in (and have been for some time) isn’t healthy for me. Its not serving me in a good way. And as much as I can focus on the good in him and the good in us – its not enough. I wish we could have sustained the good marriage we’ve had at times.
I feel more centered today. I guess I just needed to let all that pain out. I know there will be many more days like yesterday. I know it will get worse before it gets better. I’m just trying to take each day as it comes. Its too overwhelming to have this all figured out today. So I’m trying my best not to try.