We met with the mediator Wednesday. We had a bit of a blow up Tuesday night (probably caused by nerves & emotions) so I was a little on edge going into the appointment. It went well. We have some paperwork to complete and then go back to start making decisions. We have talked a few times about division of assets and support and I believe are pretty close to an agreement. We will start a co-parenting plan with our therapist soon. I will most likely not move out until after the new year for various reasons. Finances being a big one, followed by lack of affordable housing in the areas I want to live. Houses are selling very quickly right now and rentals are very expensive. As of now, we are cohabiting relatively nicely. There are moments its really hard, others where it feels like nothing has changed and other moments that feel easier without the weight of trying to “fix” us.
While I believe divorce is the best option for me at this point, I HATE thinking about how it is going to affect my kids. I think they are the reason I’ve held on. Them and fear. And a wacked sense of loyalty.
For a long time I had hope that things would improve between he and I. At times they did. I have some very loving, fond memories of our entire relationship, including some great times post affair. I also have some very ugly, hurtful memories. And it seems the bad outweighs the good. It seems neither of us are really able to let go of the hurt from the past and sustain vulnerability with each other. He says he has let it all go, yet his actions and words don’t support that.
I have let go of the pain pre-affair. I’m actually in a good spot with the pain of his affair. Its post-affair that I’m struggling with. It really boils down to his attitude about the affair and things he did not do to make amends. I mean, you can’t make it right. Can’t take it back. Can’t make it go away. But there are things a “cheater” can do to reflect their remorse and empathy. And that is what lacked. He had moments, chunks of time, that he was able to show it. I believe he tried to show it, but in his love language instead of mine, so the message wasn’t received. An example is buying me a car. That does not equal remorse and empathy in my book. Sitting with me, holding me and reassuring me while I fell apart is what I needed. And he did that…sometimes. I needed to let out my pain without hearing about the pain I caused him. I needed him to just listen to understand. I needed him to come out of his comfort zone emotionally. I needed him to sit in the uncomfortable shit his affair created. I need him to stand up and tell me that he knows he was a complete piece of shit for what he did, that I didn’t deserve it and he will do what needs to be done for as long as it needs to be done. And he did that…once or twice and thought that should be enough.
In the midst of the occasional show of support, care and concern were threats of divorce. Continued flirting with other females. Other lies. Those behaviors coupled with the fact that the limited remorse and empathy were sporadic – were just not enough for me.
I have moments of anger, which is really just masked pain. I’m hurt. Hurt that he couldn’t step up the way I needed him to after he cheated on me. But if I dig deeper, I’m hurt because of how I treated myself. I didn’t stand up for myself. I didn’t value and love myself. I didn’t treat myself with respect. I didn’t treat myself how I deserve to be treated. So why am I so shocked and hurt that he treated me the same? I’m upset with myself for not demanding more of him right after his affair. For not standing up for myself early on. For not speaking my mind. For holding back what I really thought and felt at times. I wasn’t living authentically and honoring myself. And perhaps that is where the greatest source of my pain lies.
I know I have some rough times ahead. I also know that some wonderful opportunities will show themselves when the time is right. I’m focusing on what I need to heal and be my best self. I’m educating myself on finances and ways I can invest and make passive income so I’m less reliant on him for support – and so I can live the future I dreamed of (being self employed or semi-retired making passive income so I can travel and live how I want).
My future may not be with him, but that doesn’t mean it won’t be great.
healingafterhisaffair 
Hug
You are showing yourself the love and respect you deserve now.
I thought hard on this and I just don’t know what a cheater can do to make amends. The pain will not disappear. The damage to the trust and commitment is permanent.
Starting again…I just don’t think you can start again with the same partner. Too much lost hope and blame. Too much heartache and grief for what was lost.
I hope your ex makes the divorce easy. Mine did, as his way of making amends. I appreciate he is not completely an ass.
Anne
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I am trying to be gentle with myself for not loving and respecting myself sooner. I think I’m just as mad at the way I treated myself and allowed him to treat me as I am at him for his actions and behavior.
I always told him if he didn’t want to be with me, just tell me and we can go our separate ways – just don’t cheat on me b/c there is no coming back from that. I guess I was right. I tried really hard to heal and keep my marriage but we just don’t work. I’d rather see us divorce now before we completely destroy each other and our children in the process.
Overall, he is making the divorce easy, at least for now. I’m trying to make this as easy as possible as well. We have a few months before I even move out. Our youngest just turned 4, so we have a long haul. For my kids sake, I want him and I to have an amicable relationship and are able to co-parent well. I figure I can spend my time and energy hating him and making myself miserable in the process or I can spend my time and energy on me (heal, grow, thrive). I’d much rather spend it on me 🙂
Thanks for the support.
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I think anyone who thought cheating was a deal breaker, then attempted reconciliation, only to realise it was not going to work, feels mad at themselves, HTH.
I feel like I lost mine, my children’s and my community’s respect.
And ten years of my life
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True. Its a violation of our own boundaries. I try to tell myself what I would tell a friend – to be gentle with myself. I tried to keep my marriage together despite his actions. I showed grace and empathy in the face of betrayal. There is no shame in that.
I get the wasted time. Its easy to sit on the regret and shoulda, coulda, woulda. But that doesn’t get us anywhere. And honestly – we weren’t ready to go for whatever reason. All we can do it learn from it. Grow. And do better by ourselves.
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I do the same, HTH. Be kind to that hurting girl. My daughter and I talk about this a lot. Stop being so mean to yourself, you’d never do it to a friend!
The feeling of having somehow compromised your values, when in fact, our partners fucked US over, is so silly. We just tried hard to cope with broken hearts, giving them the benefit of the doubt, and finding forgiveness.
Somehow that makes us feel like shit.
Weird.
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What can I say separation and divorce would be one of the most painful experience in anyone’s lives. Hopefully you can find strength and peace for all of you, your husband and your precious children. Wish these things didn’t happen❤️
Unfortunately men don’t have the capacity to think like us. We are very emotional beings and men are very direct. Women are all know if we’re upset to conform. But men think I don’t want that if I’m upset leave me alone.
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I think his affair was more painful for me than divorce will be. The affair was about secrets, betrayal, energy and resources expended to carry on a relationship with someone else while making me the bad wife. The divorce is about us just not being what the other needs in a partner and despite our best effort, can’t sustain vulnerability with each other. The divorce will hurt my kids, which in turn hurts me, and its my concern for them that is the biggest issue for me right now. We both agree that we need to put our kids needs first and do what makes this the least painful for them. So hopefully that attitude is maintained. And our actions reflect that wish. I always tell my one friend she has to love her son more than she hates her ex. I don’t hate my soon to be ex so hopefully there won’t be the issues with us that I see in others.
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The affair would have been such a shock. Betrayed Wives/husbands are always in total confusion. How did this happen to us? How can he lie and cheat and think it’s not going to obliterate you when the truth comes out.
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Pain is such a central issue in our journey. Last month when I had my emotional breakdown I just kept repeating that it’s enough, I had enough of pain. The thought of separation and moving out felt liberating. A new start. I felt empowered. Then the third day the pain hit. I started crying and I asked my husband to hug me and he said NO. He withdrawn from me to an extent never before and the pain that I experienced was very intense, it physically felt like heart ache. He said that he can’t hug me because we are divorcing, and that’s what divorce is ; you’re no longer a couple. He made it clear that he is not going to be my cheerleader and emotionally support me on my journey of becoming an empowered independent woman. That made me question if I really want to separate. We went back to our therapist who really supports us staying together. I think the role of the therapist (or friends/family whoever.supports you) is HUGE when it comes to decisions like that. He suggested that I dig deep and find out what my pain is really about (as the affair is just part of the picture).
I think in current mainstream psychology pain and suffering has a bad reputation. We naturally react to pain by trying to avoid it. But sometimes we can’t avoid it, and in those instances all we can do is to change our minset and reaction to pain…I find the writings of Viktor Frankl really helpful.
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God knows I relate to this. Unfortunately. Thx for sharing
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